Bears sign Tim Tebow to fill overhyped white guy role left by Brian Urlacher

by manutetroll 2 days ago in Articles

CHICAGO – Bears GM Phil Emery announced Wednesday that the team had signed free agent quarterback Tim Tebow to fill the role of overhyped white guy left by Brian Urlacher. The announcement came just hours after news broke that Urlacher had retired from the NFL. With Urlacher completely out of the picture, the team seemed eager to fill some of the hole he left behind. “Don’t get me wrong, Urlacher’s a guaranteed Hall of Famer, and for many years he was the heartbeat of t[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Alain Vigneault to resume work as talking wart in Dr. Scholl’s commercial

by jubjub 17 hours ago in Articles

VANCOUVER, British Columbia – The Vancouver Canucks fired coach Alain Vigneault Wednesday in response to the team’s disappointing playoff elimination. After seven years with the team, however, Vigneault told reporters that he was looking forward to time off and that he was hoping to resume work as the talking wart in Dr. Scholl’s commercials. “I love hockey, but acting is my true passion,” Vigneault explained. “So maybe getting fired is a blessing in disguise.” Vigne[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Cavs on lottery win: “We’re excited to ruin the first chapter of Nerlens Noel’s career”

by jubjub 19 hours ago in Articles

CLEVELAND – Shortly after taking home the top prize in Tuesday’s NBA Draft Lottery, the Cavaliers announced that they were very excited at the prospect of ruining the first chapter of Kentucky power forward Nerlens Noel’s career. Noel, the consensus top pick in the upcoming draft, was initially enthusiastic at the prospect of playing alongside Kyrie Irving and the rest of the emerging Cleveland roster, but owner Dan Gilbert quickly put the damper on his expectations. “I[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

PGA gives Sergio Garcia $50,000 bonus for racist remark

by manutetroll 2 days ago in Articles

The Professional Golfer’s Association of America awarded Sergio Garcia a $50,000 bonus Wednesday morning in recognition of a racist remark he made towards world No. 1 Tiger Woods. Garcia made the remark Tuesday night at the European Tour awards dinner, joking that he would give Woods fried chicken at next month’s U.S. Open. While the comment undeniably played off an offensive African-American stereotype, PGA officials insist that it honored the rich traditions of professio[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Looney Tunes enslaved by aliens after Derrick Rose refuses to help them win basketball game

by manutetroll 3 days ago in Articles

TUNE LAND – Sadness spread throughout the tune-i-verse on Tuesday following news that the Looney Tunes had been taken as slaves by a gang of evil aliens. Bugs & Co. forfeited their freedom after losing a do-or-die basketball game to the aliens, who had stolen the talents of popular NBA stars to gain a competitive advantage. According to sources, the Looney Tunes had initially recruited Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to help them win the game, but Rose backed out at the[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

First-place Indians confident they can finish season in third

by jubjub 3 days ago in Articles

CLEVELAND – Coming off a four-game sweep of the Mariners, the Cleveland Indians are the hottest team in baseball, perched comfortably atop the AL Central with a 26-17 record. With such momentum moving into the thick of the season, the team is confident that they can finish 2013 at third in their division. “This is Cleveland, so we’re inevitably going to collapse at some point,” noted Indians manager Terry Francona. “But we’re putting up such good numbers right now that [...] continue reading ›