Bears sign Tim Tebow to fill overhyped white guy role left by Brian Urlacher

by manutetroll 3 days ago in Articles

CHICAGO – Bears GM Phil Emery announced Wednesday that the team had signed free agent quarterback Tim Tebow to fill the role of overhyped white guy left by Brian Urlacher. The announcement came just hours after news broke that Urlacher had retired from the NFL. With Urlacher completely out of the picture, the team seemed eager to fill some of the hole he left behind. “Don’t get me wrong, Urlacher’s a guaranteed Hall of Famer, and for many years he was the heartbeat of t[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

PGA gives Sergio Garcia $50,000 bonus for racist remark

by manutetroll 3 days ago in Articles

The Professional Golfer’s Association of America awarded Sergio Garcia a $50,000 bonus Wednesday morning in recognition of a racist remark he made towards world No. 1 Tiger Woods. Garcia made the remark Tuesday night at the European Tour awards dinner, joking that he would give Woods fried chicken at next month’s U.S. Open. While the comment undeniably played off an offensive African-American stereotype, PGA officials insist that it honored the rich traditions of professio[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Looney Tunes enslaved by aliens after Derrick Rose refuses to help them win basketball game

by manutetroll 4 days ago in Articles

TUNE LAND – Sadness spread throughout the tune-i-verse on Tuesday following news that the Looney Tunes had been taken as slaves by a gang of evil aliens. Bugs & Co. forfeited their freedom after losing a do-or-die basketball game to the aliens, who had stolen the talents of popular NBA stars to gain a competitive advantage. According to sources, the Looney Tunes had initially recruited Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to help them win the game, but Rose backed out at the[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

First-place Indians confident they can finish season in third

by jubjub 5 days ago in Articles

CLEVELAND – Coming off a four-game sweep of the Mariners, the Cleveland Indians are the hottest team in baseball, perched comfortably atop the AL Central with a 26-17 record. With such momentum moving into the thick of the season, the team is confident that they can finish 2013 at third in their division. “This is Cleveland, so we’re inevitably going to collapse at some point,” noted Indians manager Terry Francona. “But we’re putting up such good numbers right now that [...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

President Obama calls Orb to congratulate him on success

by jubjub 5 days ago in Articles

WASHINGTON – For decades, U.S. presidents have made phone calls to congratulate athletes for notable achievements in their sports, and President Obama continued this tradition Saturday by calling 2013 Kentucky Derby winner Orb. Though Orb was defeated in the Preakness, bringing his Triple Crown bid to a disappointing end, Obama chose to congratulate the three-year-old bay colt nonetheless, commending him for his efforts. Obama made the phone call shortly after Saturday’[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

David Stern reports Pacers’ plane missing, clears Knicks for next round

by jubjub 6 days ago in Articles

NEW YORK – On Sunday, less than 24 hours after the Pacers eliminated the Knicks in the conference semifinals, NBA commissioner David Stern announced that the Pacers’ team plane had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. “I guess that means the Knicks move on to play the Heat,” Stern shrugged. “At this point, we can only assume that the Pacers have disappeared forever, and it seems like the best way to mourn their loss will be to enjoy a fast paced series between two o[...] continue reading ›