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REPORT: Overwhelming majority of U.S. Olympic heroes already nobodies again

NEW YORK – A new study out of Columbia University has determined that nearly all of the U.S. medalists from this year’s Summer Olympics have now fully transitioned back into the inconsequential existences they led before arriving in London, despite just three months ago being nationally celebrated for their athletic heroics. The study found that though their heart-stopping accomplishments earned them a brief spell of godlike celebrity, the Olympians are now no more signifi[...] continue reading ›

Paralympics cancelled due to staircase

LONDON – The 2012 Summer Paralympic Games, originally scheduled to commence on August 29th, were abruptly cancelled Thursday morning as a result of a poorly placed staircase that would impede wheelchair-bound athletes from entering the Olympic Stadium. “It is with tremendous sadness and utter humiliation that I must announce the cancellation of these 14th Paralympic Games,” stated International Paralympic Committee president Sir Philip Craven. “We thought we’d worked out a[...] continue reading ›