MINNEAPOLIS – After the Minnesota Vikings released outspoken punter Chris Kluwe earlier this week, two of the team’s players immediately held a press conference to announce that they were gay.
Tight end John Carlson and receiver Stephen Burton said that they’ve long been keeping their homosexuality a secret, as they were afraid that Kluwe would steal the spotlight if they were to reveal their sexual preferences.
“We’d always see Chris getting all this attention on talk shows and Deadspin, and we knew that if we came out while he was still here, people would probably praise him, thinking he coaxed us out of the closet,” explained Carlson. “But it’s our natural-born right to take credit for who we are—we don’t need some heterosexual jock asserting himself over us.”
Kluwe, who has frequently made headlines for his vocal support of gay marriage, was partially cut due to his outspokenness, or his “external distractions,” as the team phrased it.
But to Carlson and Burton, the punter was unceasingly an internal distraction, a man who they perceived was building his celebrity status on the backs of an oppressed people group.
“Straight white males have been telling us for centuries that it’s not OK to get married, but when marriage equality suddenly becomes cool, they think they can just do a 180 and capitalize on it for personal gain,” argued Burton. “But that’s not OK with us. If Chris wants to get his name in the news, he can go get a DUI like the rest of these meathead athletes.”
When reached for comment, Kluwe said that he had no idea Carlson and Burton were gay, but he admitted that if he had known he probably would’ve pressured them to come out in a highly publicized ceremony put on by himself and Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo.
“Yeah, I would’ve milked it for all it was worth,” confessed Kluwe with a sheepish grin. “Gays are pretty much my meal ticket from here on out.”