NEW ORLEANS – Shortly after the Super Bowl Media Day festivities took place at the Superdome on Monday, coaches Jim and John Harbaugh were lured to a nearby motel, where they discovered brother/coach duo Rex and Rob Ryan awaiting their arrival in a heart-shaped hot tub.
The Harbaugh brothers were leaving the stadium together, carrying on a friendly discussion about the forthcoming game, when they were alerted to a trail of rose petals by a sign that read, “Jim and John: Paradise awaits.”
Intrigued yet suspicious, the brothers followed the rose petals off site to a Motel 6 and into an hourly suite where Whitesnake was blaring on a boom box and the Ryan brothers were gazing seductively from the hot tub.
“Greetings, Harbaughs,” cooed Rex, pausing to feed his brother a fish stick. “Preparing for the Super Bowl must be hard. Might we treat you to some…super blow?”
Rob then gestured to the bathroom counter, where large rails of cocaine had been arranged for immediate consumption.
Disturbed, the Harbaugh brothers attempted to flee the room, but somehow the door had been locked behind them. At this point, the Ryan brothers both stood up, revealing themselves to be nude, and began slowly walking towards the Harbaughs.
It is unclear what transpired next, as the Harbaughs have declined to discuss specifics, but sources close to the brothers suggest it was a tremendously traumatizing experience.
“So many Slim Jims…so much baby oil…” recounted Jim, shivering at the mere thought. “We didn’t think we’d make it out alive.”
John Harbaugh refused to make any comment at all except for a brief statement through the team signaling that, for undisclosed reasons, offensive coordinator Jim Caldwell would be taking over the Super Bowl head coaching duties for the Ravens.
Reporters have been unable to locate the Ryan brothers for comment, yet several witnesses claim to have seen the brothers hitchhiking somewhere in central Alabama, both of them reportedly wearing bikinis.