Team showers with Anthony Davis not getting any less awkward

OAKLAND – Prior to the New Orleans Hornets’ Tuesday night tipoff against the Golden State Warriors, members of the team reflected on their season thus far, noting that one of the few positives has been rookie Anthony Davis’s swift acclimation to the NBA.

His 14.6 points per game have impressed his teammates, who believe his shooting percentage demonstrates a kind of poise that is rare among rookies. Off the court, however, Hornets players agree that Davis has yet to fully adapt to his surroundings.

“Dude makes it really, really uncomfortable in the showers,” admitted guard Greivis Vasquez. “Like, he hasn’t figured out that you’re not supposed to take peeks at other dudes’ junk, let alone stare for five minutes straight without blinking.”

Teammates report that Davis will often walk into the shower without soap or shampoo and simply stand there for long periods of time, gazing around at genitals that aren’t his own while ignoring any attempts at conversation.

“Sometimes I’ll wave my hand in front of his eyes and be like, ‘Hey, man, you’re making everybody feel weird, could you stop staring?’” said fellow rookie Austin Rivers. “But it’s like he doesn’t even notice me standing there. Seriously, there’s something creepy going on behind that eyebrow of his.”

There have been several occasions in which Davis has reportedly snapped out of his shower trance, but these instances only succeeded in making teammates feel even more awkward.

“I remember once we were all showering after a game when all of a sudden Anthony just blurts out the phrase ‘soft hands,’” recalled forward Ryan Anderson. “Everybody kind of looked over to him, and then he was like, ‘Soft hands. Coach says that my ball movement’s good because I have soft hands. Do you fellas have soft hands? I think I’d like to touch all your hands and see.’ And then I kid you not, the dude just wanders around to each one of us and tries to hold our hands while we’re showering, and all the while he’s licking his lips real creepily—and I should note that his tongue is, like, eight inches long.”

“I think we’re all gonna probably switch to swim trunks pretty soon,” he added.

When confronted about his shower behavior, Davis simply shrugged and offered an illogical explanation.

“You get sweaty when you play basketball, so it’s important that you clean your body after every game,” Davis mumbled, eerily stroking the back of his hand against his cheek. “I like to shower with the fellas. They make me feel warm on the inside.”

Davis’s nose then inexplicably began bleeding, which seemed to delight him, as his face lit up with a beaming smile despite the blood dribbling down over his lips and clothes.

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