Tank Johnson decommissioned by U.S. military

Over two years after his release from the Cincinnati Bengals, the United States military announced today that they had officially decommissioned former defensive tackle Tank Johnson, saying the NFL deserved a leaner, more efficient model fit for today’s gridiron battles.

Following in the large tracks of the Tank Destroyer, The 2004 Tank Johnson (Model DT-95) was renowned for its large but mobile build and gaudy appearance. Though the military faced scrutiny after it was revealed Johnson had been outfitted with illegally obtained assault rifles and 37mm tank guns, Coordinators of Defense across the NFL couldn’t resist Tank’s potential for lethal destruction.

“On paper, Tank Johnson was built from the blueprints of success,” said military spokesman Lenny Howard. “But much like the federal budget, the DT-95 was ultimately a bloated nuisance that caused more trouble than it was worth.”

Coming out of Washington, Johnson’s extra large chassis could cover 40 yards in under 4.7 seconds, and was a favorite of defense contractors for its raw power and explosiveness. However, after multiple embarrassing performances and public breakdowns, the underperforming unit was put out to pasture by the U.S military, ultimately breaking down well before its expected shelf life of 12 to 14 years.

“Me and the boys from Rank 5 used to love that machine,” said Staff Sergeant John Riley. “Back in the day, that monster could destroy anything in its path. But not anymore. These days I doubt Tank Johnson could hit a target three yards in front of him, much less withstand the carnage of war in the trenches.”

At press time, a military spokesman confirmed that the newly completed Tank Carradine (Model DE-95) was undergoing a final round of testing at Fort Candlestick in San Francisco, and should be expected to be ready for active duty within a week.


Thanks to Stuart Grimes for the awesome submission! Got a funny article idea? Submit your hilarious writing here.

Add your own juke or spin

Have something to say?