Tags archives: war

NFL honors Veterans by refraining from comparing football to war for 24 hours

TAMPA, FL — The NFL and NFLPA continued its long history of honoring veterans and active duty members of the military today by pledging to refrain from hyperbolically comparing football to war for 24 hours on Veterans Day, according to a press release. Along with wearing commemorative hats, gloves, and using camouflage Gatorade towels on the sideline, coaches and players will not refer to rallying the troops, doing battle, going to war, fighting it out in the trenches, or use any other euphemism that suggests grown men playing a sport for millions of dollars can be compared in any way to the men and women who have seen active duty in the United States Military. Greg Schiano, the fiery coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, admitted he was struggling to find the right words to motivate his 0-8 team without relying on well-worn war tropes. “Come on guys, we’ve gotta go out there and play our game, we’ve gotta battle– no wait, dammit,” Schiano said, as he crossed a line [...]

Military drone surprises pilot with emotional reunion at baseball game

ST. LOUIS – On Thursday, Lt. Col. Mike Edwards was hoping that a pleasant evening at the ballpark might help relieve some of the stress from his demanding life as a combat drone pilot for the U.S. Air Force. But he wasn’t expecting to receive the surprise of a lifetime. Upon arriving at Busch Stadium, a member of the Cardinals PR staff asked if he’d be interested in throwing out the first pitch in recognition of his military service. Edwards agreed, and minutes later he found himself walking out to the pitcher’s mound to a standing ovation. Yet he had no idea that the catcher he was about to throw to was actually his drone, MQ-1, disguised behind a catcher’s mask and a chest protector. After Edwards threw the pitch, MQ-1 removed the catcher’s mask and revealed his true identity, causing the pilot to burst into joyful tears. The two locked in an emotional embrace, and MQ-1, overwhelmed with happiness, fired a series of Hellfire anti-armor missiles wildly into the [...]

America starts new war to pass time until football resumes

WASHINGTON – To help pass time until the NFL resumes next fall, the United States has officially initiated a war with the South African nation Zimbabwe. Late Wednesday night, the U.S. Army peppered the landlocked country with sustained airstrikes and penetrated its borders with a surge of 10,000 ground troops. “Let me make it very clear: The United States will not allow its citizens to be oppressed with boredom during these tedious months when there is nothing to watch but basketball and hockey,” stated President Barack Obama in a televised statement to the American people. “Therefore, to keep the national morale high until football resumes, we have declared war against Zimbabwe and launched a large-scale military invasion to subdue their regime.” When pressed to expound on the motives behind starting the war, the president seemed hard-pressed to provide any details that weren’t football related. “Well, uh, they got that dictator guy who seems like a pretty bad dude, so we’ll try to kill him, I guess,” Obama stammered. “And, um, [...]