UFC fighter Khabib Gurmedov is 21-0, and quickly gaining respect from fight fans. I’m guessing this video of him wresting a bear in Russia at age 9 won’t hurt his reputation too much.
LAS VEGAS – The ongoing controversy about gay rights in pro sports has been dominating recent headlines, though for the fastest growing sport in America, it’s the rights of heterosexual athletes that are being called into question. UFC President Dana White has been leading a push to make his organization the most inclusive in all of sports, but he’s facing resistance from some fighters who believe there’s no room for straight people in such a blatantly gay atmosphere. White suspects that there are several straight fighters who are already active in the UFC, though he respects their decision to keep their sexual orientation private, understanding the potential discrimination they might face. “If there are any straight dudes, you can’t blame them for staying quiet,” reasoned White at a recent press conference. “In a high percentage of our fights, the athletes end up locked in intensely intimate embraces on the mat, and I think many of our fighters would be uncomfortable in those situations if their opponent wasn’t deriving as much [...]
DES MOINES – After watching Saturday’s UFC 156 headline bout between Alistair Overeem and Antonio Silva at a local Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant, 26-year-old construction worker Steve Anders decided to purchase a hooded sweatshirt from the MMA company Pretorian. Pretorian’s logo had been prominently featured on the ass of Silva’s trunks, and though Anders asserts that he unmistakably heterosexual, the prolonged sight of the ass logo compelled him to look up the company on the Internet and purchase one of their things. Just as lingerie retailer Victoria’s Secret displays the word “PINK” on the ass of their sweatpants, so UFC fighters sport the logos of their sponsors on their trunks. While 99.8 percent of UFC viewers claim to not notice the logos, the surge in sales following fights confirms that a large portion of the fan base is staring long and hard at the ass logos, admiring them lustfully as the fighters’ buttocks muscles clench and ripple. Anders denies that the ass logo influenced his decision to purchase the garment, [...]
THE UNITED STATES – After months of intermittently submitting job applications to appease their nagging stepmoms, the nation’s UFC fans announced Thursday that they had been hired to work the morning shift at Hardee’s restaurants around the country. For the next four days, the UFC fans will learn how to operate the cash register under the supervision of a 43-year-old assistant manager named Rodney, who used to get into UFC and all that but now mostly just sticks to dragsters and NASCAR. “But I’ll definitely still watch it if they got it on at B Dubs,” Rodney clarified. The nation’s UFC fans were dismayed to learn that on the job they will not be permitted to wear their black graphic tees patterned with ridiculous violent imagery such as angels made of fire and skulls with bullets for teeth, but instead will have to don the company-issued red polo shirt. “Fine, but I’m not gonna tuck it in,” muttered the UFC fans, who feel the constant need to act like hard-asses [...]
LAS VEGAS – Ultimate Fighting Championship, the world’s largest mixed martial arts promotion company, apologized Friday for hosting their first ever Take Your Daughter to Work Day, which they admitted was a “tragic mistake.” UFC president Dana White acknowledged in a press conference that it was a catastrophic misjudgment on the company’s behalf to bring little girls into the world of a violent, lawless blood sport. The event, which took place Tuesday, resulted in the hospitalization of nine different fighters’ daughters, most of whom are expected to suffer lifelong consequences for their brief participation in their parent’s profession. “In hindsight, in was a terribly irresponsible idea,” confessed White. “We wanted to show the world that the UFC had a soft side, that it wasn’t all about borderline maniacs trying to murder each other with their fists.” While the daughters participating in the event were originally supposed to assist their fathers in harmless, unobtrusive ways—helping them tape their hands, giving them water, etc.—the fighters eventually conceded that maybe the girls could [...]
MILWAUKEE – To earn a spot in the Ultimate Fighting Championship, a basic requirement is that a fighter must have grotesquely disfigured cauliflower ears. Often regarded as a badge of toughness, the unsightly accumulations of fibrous tissue are a hallmark of the sport’s greatest champions. But Milwaukee native Anthony Pettis, a rising star in the UFC, has normally proportioned ears, marking him as an oddity and an underdog in the mixed martial arts organization. “Ever since I was a teenager, I remember the kids in the gym being like, ‘Hey man, your ears aren’t nauseating to look at, what makes you think you could ever be a fighter?’” Pettis recalled. “They were cruel, but their cruelty was like fuel for me, and even though I knew I had this huge disadvantage, it just motivated me to work beyond my limitations.” Pettis, who often wears a wool beanie to conceal his ears in public, got his first professional bouts in the World Extreme Cagefighting organization, a cruder league that was more [...]
The Spider channels MJ…now let’s just hope he doesn’t end up grappling with eight-year-olds.