Word recently got out that Bruno Mars had been booked to perform this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. Everyone seemed pretty outraged about it, but honestly, Bruno Mars isn’t that terrible. Off the top of our heads, we were able to come up with 13 hypothetical halftime shows that would be way, way worse. 1. Miley Cyrus’s VMA performance reenacted by Larry King The twerking. The latex bikini. The crotch touching. Every last detail, down to a T, only with Larry King instead. 2. The Goo Goo Dolls ft. the Star Wars cantina band Every one of the Goo Goo Dolls’ songs is a bummer. Even backed by one of the cheeriest bands in the universe, the songs would still bum everyone out. And the Super Bowl shouldn’t be a bummer. 3. A terrorist attack It’s a close call, but Bruno Mars is definitely more enjoyable than a terrorist attack. 4. Vince Wilfork mournfully blowin’ on a jug It makes us sad just thinking about it. 5. Bobby McFerrin [...]
America trying to figure out whether dream where Joe Flacco won last year's Super Bowl is based on real thing
ANYTOWN, USA — With NFL preseason games taking over the national subconsciousness, America woke and spent this whole morning trying to figure out last night’s weird dream where Joe Flacco won Super Bowl XLVII. “I dreamed it was last year’s playoffs, and the Ravens were in it but not favorites or anything,” thought America, getting up and going to the kitchen for some water. “Then Joe Flacco turned into John Elway, but still looked like Joe Flacco? Or something?” “I know he Flacco-Elway-ed to a title but the dream-logic was nonsense.” America then brushed its teeth and hopped in the shower, piecing together what happened before Flacco-Elway hoisted the Lombardi Dream-Trophy. “There was all this weird stuff where Baltimore had a crappy defense, even though they’re Baltimore. And then both coaches were the same guy?” remembered America, lathering its chest. “And Alex Smith was in it, but the 49ers quarterback was this slasher with a too-skinny face. Like an Adam Levine face.” “And I don’t remember a half-hour of the [...]
DALLAS – As Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco basks in the spotlight of being a Super Bowl champion, dozens of promising youngsters are polishing their game in hopes of one day reaching his level of accomplishment. Recently, a number of sportswriters and scouts have been infatuated with one particular prospect who’s showing serious promise of becoming the next Joe Flacco: a bland stack of manila folders. Discovered in the office of a commercial real estate firm, the stack of manila folders embodies a startling array of Flacco’s most recognizable traits. It’s boring, predictable, tediously consistent, and uninspiring, and something about it seems to fundamentally reject being labeled as elite. “While the stack of manila folders isn’t yet capable of hurling a ball 60 yards, we can be sure that once it can, nothing about it will seem exhilarating, just like Joe,” explained ESPN football analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. “The stack of folders has a bright future ahead of it, but because it has no detectable personality or fascinating quirks, chances [...]
BALTIMORE – In celebration of the Ravens’ Super Bowl win over the 49ers on Sunday, the people of Baltimore have elected to take a break from violent crime to honor their hometown team. Residents of the Ellwood Park neighborhood united together Monday morning to fashion thousands of their used needles into a congratulatory wreath for the Ravens, which they intend to present to the team at the Super Bowl parade on Tuesday. “The Ravens did something really positive and inspiring for this city, so we wanted to do something positive and inspiring for them,” said homeless resident Tyrell Evans, 49, as he relieved himself on a newspaper box. “I donated 24 of my own personal needles even though I could’ve reused most of them three or four more times.” While the Ellwood area is widely recognized by its nickname of “Hellwood,” the scene was far from hellish on Monday, as hundreds of citizens normally embroiled in bitter feuds joined hands to accomplish something of lasting value. From the sidewalk, a [...]
WASHINGTON – What began as a quiet day with close friends and family turned into a tragic nightmare for Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III. At a Super Bowl party hosted in his DC-area townhouse, guests watched helplessly as the Rookie of the Year suffered excruciating injury after injury. “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen in my life, dude just couldn’t catch a break,” remarked teammate Santana Moss. “One second he’s passing me the Doritos and the next his wrist just breaks, and suddenly there’s Doritos all over the damn place.” A broken wrist, however, was the least of Griffin’s problems on Sunday. A seemingly endless list of injuries sustained during the private party included: a broken femur, dislocated shoulder, a shattered sternum, lockjaw, PLS (phantom limb syndrome), and a severe concussion. He also reportedly bit his tongue really hard and then kept biting the same spot because it was swollen. Fellow rookie Alfred Morris was horrified by what took place. “The day started off pretty normal. He was just [...]
Action was briefly halted in the third quarter of the Super Bowl as security personnel chased down a drunk, unruly streaker who was revealed to be San Francisco 49ers quarterback Alex Smith. Completely naked, Smith ran towards the 49ers huddle screaming “Hey America, check out my Colin KaeperDICK!” and attempted a half-hearted punch to the head of fellow 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick, the significantly faster and more nimble quarterback, deftly avoided Smith’s attack, stiff-arming him into the arms of waiting security. As action resumed, Smith was seen tearfully being cuffed and led away by state police, as Head Coach Jim Harbaugh purposefully avoided making eye contact.
On the heels of another positive jobs report, the White House announced today that 2,500 new jobs were created for chimpanzees in this year’s Super Bowl commercials, a 10 percent increase from the previous year. “The surge in chimp employment numbers is a sure sign that our economy is finally turning around,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Along with the uptick in positions for talking dogs, sassy kittens and the traditional seasonal employment for clydesdale horses and polar bears, Super Bowl Sunday should guarantee record economic growth in the first quarter of 2013.” Most leading economists also believe increased chimp employment will have an immediate impact on consumer confidence, as Americans have historically purchased literally anything that features chimpanzees in an advertising campaign. Not all Americans are convinced that the chimp numbers mean an economic boon, however. “Honestly, do you even remember what companies those chimps are advertising for?” said Osco salesman Frank Jeffries. “I mean, sure, a bunch of chimps riverdancing is entertaining, but what exactly does riverdancing chips [...]
After only 18 months, an online petition asking Animal Planet to invite the Baha Men to perform their seminal hit “Who Let the Dogs Out” during halftime of the Puppy Bowl reached 1,000 signatures, according to the band’s Facebook page. “We did it, Dog Pound! We reached our goal!” said a post to the group’s 502 Facebook fans. “33 years, 12 albums, 17 hard-working members, and we’ve finally hit the big time! God always had a plan for us, we just never knew it involved sharing the stage with a bunch of puppies and kittens!” The group subsequently took to Twitter, tweeting “hey call us plz” to the official Animal Planet Twitter account 53 times in the course of an hour. As of press time, Animal Planet has not responded to the petition, and rumors have already swirled that the prestigious halftime slot will instead be filled by two members of the Pussycat Dolls.
If the Ravens win – Thanks God so profusely that it distracts God from the rest of the world’s prayers, and thousands of people’s ailing grandmothers die simultaneously – Forces CBS to wait for interview until he completes his 6-hour postgame victory dance – Joyfully sacks all his coaches and trainers into comas – Claims the Super Bowl MVP trophy on behalf of Joe Flacco, then pretends it never happened when Flacco asks for his award – Gets so amped about his post-career analyst job that he conducts his postgame interview with himself – Sobs so hysterically that the Ravens get embarrassed and hide him under a blanket If the Ravens lose – Immediately switches to Sprint’s Truly Unlimited plan after failure of God’s plan – Whips out iPhone, Googles “ways to cope with stress that aren’t murder” – Intercepts the Lombardi trophy from Roger Goodell, eats it, then scurries away to go pout in his car – Blames loss on poor game management by “Jon Falco or whatever his [...]
Oh, hey guys, just finishing up some vacation plans with Nasty Nate here. We’re going to Zihuatanejo. SHHHHHH! Anyways, what’s up you stoolie bitches? Super Bowl you say? Psssh. What’s a Super Bowl without inmate #40068579? A bunch of pansies playing catch, thats what. So I guess you want me to tell you who to bet on? Wellllll, that’ll cost you three candy bars and a pack of smokes, motherfucker. SNITCHES GET STITCHES, BRO. LETS GO! Sure, Joe Flacco’s in the Super Bowl and I never even got to the playoffs, but he never had to face the tough defense of a 24/7 oxycontin-fueled rampage. LOL, just kidding that shit was totally worth it and that nurse totally had it coming (RIP). Anyway, LISTEN UP, DICK HOLES: This is Ray Lewis’ last stab at a Super Bowl and I hope he doesn’t shank it, or he’ll be in his own personal emotional prison. But it’s not just the defensive knife man that’s the story this week. We all know it’s [...]
NEW ORLEANS – Just a day after commenting that he wouldn’t accept an openly homosexual football player on his team, 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver took to his Twitter to bash the Toronto Raptors for trading Ed Davis and Jose Calderon for small forward Rudy Gay. “I don’t do that stuff and neither should they,” Culliver stated. “If they wanna have gays lurkin in the locker room, that’s their choice, but they’re makin a MISTAKE having him up in there.” Though representing San Francisco, a city with an iconic gay culture, Culliver made it unmistakably clear that he didn’t believe athletes or teams should tolerate anything even remotely homosexual, yet he seemed unable to distinguish between Gay the basketball player and gay the sexual orientation. “What if he tries to get fresh with the other guys in the shower?” Culliver tweeted. “I know Kyle Lowry, and that dude is NOT gonna put up with some other guy tryin to make out with him while he’s getting clean.” Culliver seemed unimpressed with [...]
NEW ORLEANS – Shortly after the Super Bowl Media Day festivities took place at the Superdome on Monday, coaches Jim and John Harbaugh were lured to a nearby motel, where they discovered brother/coach duo Rex and Rob Ryan awaiting their arrival in a heart-shaped hot tub. The Harbaugh brothers were leaving the stadium together, carrying on a friendly discussion about the forthcoming game, when they were alerted to a trail of rose petals by a sign that read, “Jim and John: Paradise awaits.” Intrigued yet suspicious, the brothers followed the rose petals off site to a Motel 6 and into an hourly suite where Whitesnake was blaring on a boom box and the Ryan brothers were gazing seductively from the hot tub. “Greetings, Harbaughs,” cooed Rex, pausing to feed his brother a fish stick. “Preparing for the Super Bowl must be hard. Might we treat you to some…super blow?” Rob then gestured to the bathroom counter, where large rails of cocaine had been arranged for immediate consumption. Disturbed, the Harbaugh [...]