MIAMI – Speaking to a group of reporters after a morning shoot-around, Chris Bosh said that his family would be flying in from their home on a distant nebula to support the power forward during the Heat’s decisive Game 7 against the Spurs. Bosh said that his family members, including his mother, father, sister, and a cloud of ionized gas he’s related to through marriage, would be arriving shortly before tipoff Thursday night, most likely landing their spacecraft on the roof of American Airlines Arena. Due to the immense volumes of radioactive light they emit, stadium officials will have to first blanket them in customized lead robes before ushering them to their seats. But then, according to Bosh, they’ll appear no different than all of the other families showing their support. “Living 7,000 light-years away, they don’t get to make it to games very often, so I’m definitely excited to hear the supersonic shrieks caused by their gelatinous skulls inverting and fluttering at incredible speeds,” said Bosh, describing his native [...]
MIAMI – With less than 30 seconds left in Tuesday’s NBA Finals Game 6 and San Antonio up by four, thousands of Heat fans nationwide found themselves on the brink of changing their allegiances to the Spurs. Despite it still being a two-possession game, the Heat faithful grew enormously uncomfortable at the prospect of supporting a team that was only the second best in the league, and many could be seen frantically memorizing the names of Spurs players so that they could take full advantage of the team’s impending championship celebration. “Should’ve stayed in Cleveland, you bum!” one fan shouted at LeBron James as he zipped up his sweatshirt to conceal his LeBron James jersey. “The Spurs just brought their talents to South Beach and totally kicked your ass!” Thousands of other fans in American Airlines Arena echoed similar sentiments, shamelessly denouncing the team they’d just paid hundreds of dollars to watch so that they didn’t have to experience a modicum of disappointment. “I’ve been cheering for the Spurs ever [...]
MIAMI – NBA Commissioner David Stern walked happily into American Airlines Arena early Tuesday evening, announcing to reporters that he was looking forward to what he termed “tonight’s Game 7 preview.” With disappointing television ratings for the NBA Finals thus far, it’s clearly in Stern’s best interest for the Heat to come back and nab a Game 6 win, setting up a riveting Game 7 series finale. Stern confirmed this much during a pregame press conference. “Listen, I guess the Spurs could technically win the championship tonight, but that’d be kind of boring, wouldn’t it?” he asked, diabolically stroking a hairless cat. “I’m sure San Antonio will do their best to close it out tonight, but something tells me that they’ll find it quite impossible.” Eyebrows were raised Tuesday afternoon when news broke that working Game 6 would be Joey Crawford, a veteran official who was suspended for the 2007 for his “improper conduct and lack of professionalism” in a game towards the Spurs. During this year’s Eastern Conference Finals, [...]
MIAMI – Speaking to reporters Tuesday afternoon, Erik Spoelstra offered his heartfelt thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation for once again allowing him to coach in the NBA Finals. “I never thought I would be able to coach basketball in the NBA, but then Make-A-Wish came to my mom and dad and said that they wanted to make my dream come true,” the childlike man remarked. “I’d like to say thank you to everyone at Make-A-Wish for letting me go out on the sidelines and pretend I’m a real-live coach like Gregg Popovich or Tom Thibodeau.” Though Make-A-Wish typically only grants wishes to children ages 2-18 with life-threatening illnesses, they made a rare exception for Spoelstra, who they deemed “too pitiful to ever achieve his dreams on his own volition.” In cooperation with the NBA, the charitable organization put Spoelstra in charge of the Miami Heat, largely because LeBron James’ extraordinary abilities make having a coach largely unnecessary. Though Spoelstra mostly just sits patiently on the sideline drawing irrational scribbles—or “plays”—on [...]
SAN ANTONIO – After 18 rigorous years of playing professional basketball, Spurs shooting guard Manu Ginobili surprised fans Sunday night by throwing down an incredible 24 points and 10 assists to help boost his team to a crucial Game 5 win over the Miami Heat. The aging star hadn’t given such a dominant performance in years, and with a long and storied career to look back on, he says that this game just might be the cherry on top. “One day I’ll tell my grandkids about this,” he told reporters at a postgame press conference. “Maybe tomorrow. They’re really cute kids. I think they’d be excited to tell all their friends that their granddad beat LeBron.” Despite his prominent baldness and worn-down frame, on Sunday Ginobili hardly played like the washed-up elderly person that he’s gradually evolved into, riling up the 18,581 fans in attendance with feats that’d be impressive for a man a third his age. Yet with 169 career playoff games under his belt and free agency looming [...]
“What are these things?!?!?”
LOS ANGELES – No stranger to selling a foul, San Antonio Spurs guard Manu Ginobili has earned his reputation over his 10-year career as the NBA’s most egregious flopper. In Wednesday’s game against the Clippers, that reputation backfired, as the 6’ 6” Argentinian suffered a 33-minute epileptic seizure near center court without drawing notice from any of the referees or players. A minute into the second quarter, Ginobili collapsed to the hardwood while being guarded by Jamal Crawford, resulting in a turnover. With both the refs and players assuming Ginobili was milking the situation, no one paid any notice as he floundered violently on the ground, his eyes rolled back and his head slapping frenetically against the court. “What can I say, I thought the guy wanted a foul,” said official Leon Wood. “Manu’s like the boy who cried wolf, except instead of whining about a vicious man-eating wolf, it’s gentle nudging from highly-paid sweaty dudes.” Gameplay continued with minimal interruption for the remainder of the half, with players mindlessly [...]
I don’t speak French, but you don’t need to understand this video for it to invade your nightmares.