Tags archives: robert-griffin-iii

NBC pulls confusing ads promoting next Sunday’s Manning II -- RG III III matchup

Following the successful promotion of last night’s Denver Broncos – New England Patriots matchup as Manning — Brady XIV, NBC executives were quick to promote next week’s Sunday Night Football game between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins using the same roman numeral format, underscoring the Super Bowl-level importance of the game. However, only hours after debuting a new campaign centered around star quarterbacks Eli Manning and Robert Griffin III, NBC decided to pull the ads — which billed the game as Manning II — RG III III — after realizing how confusing they were to viewers. “Last night’s Manning — Brady XIV was a modern classic — maybe the most exciting game of football this year,” said NBC Sports executive producer Sam Flood. “As such, we at NBC felt compelled to ‘keep a good thing going’ with next week’s great NFC East matchup between two longtime rivals. Unfortunately, the fine folks in creative at NBC failed to realize how difficult that would be with two quarterbacks who need [...]

RGIII insists knee is pain-free: 'Seriously, there’s no feeling from the waist down'

RICHMOND, VA – With the NFL season fast approaching, Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III is eager to prove that he’s recovered from his knee injury and is ready to play football. “I know some of you might be skeptical, but I swear, there’s absolutely no pain in my knee,” Griffin told his coaches at a team meeting Friday. “In fact, there’s pretty much zero feeling from the waist down, if I’m being totally honest.” Despite having sustained traumatic injuries to his LCL and ACL ligaments just seven short months ago, the reigning Offensive Rookie of the Year insists that there hasn’t been any discomfort in his knee for weeks, as all sensation has been masked by an icy numbness that consumes his entire body below the hipbones. “I know you guys are nervous that I’ll go out there and hurt myself again, but seriously, there’s not even soreness after workouts or anything like that,” Griffin assured the wary coaching staff. “What can I do to convince you guys that I’m [...]

RGIII suffers series of career-ending injuries while watching Super Bowl with friends

WASHINGTON – What began as a quiet day with close friends and family turned into a tragic nightmare for Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III. At a Super Bowl party hosted in his DC-area townhouse, guests watched helplessly as the Rookie of the Year suffered excruciating injury after injury. “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen in my life, dude just couldn’t catch a break,” remarked teammate Santana Moss. “One second he’s passing me the Doritos and the next his wrist just breaks, and suddenly there’s Doritos all over the damn place.” A broken wrist, however, was the least of Griffin’s problems on Sunday. A seemingly endless list of injuries sustained during the private party included: a broken femur, dislocated shoulder, a shattered sternum, lockjaw, PLS (phantom limb syndrome), and a severe concussion. He also reportedly bit his tongue really hard and then kept biting the same spot because it was swollen. Fellow rookie Alfred Morris was horrified by what took place. “The day started off pretty normal. He was just [...]

Mike Shanahan medically clears RGIII’s good leg for Pro Bowl

WASHINGTON – It’s now been several weeks since Redskins coach Mike Shanahan made a dangerous call that led to quarterback Robert Griffin III tearing his anterior cruciate an lateral collateral ligaments, but he’s still not ready to let his rookie superstar fade into the offseason. Shanahan announced Wednesday morning that he had cleared Griffin’s healthy left leg to participate in the Pro Bowl on Sunday, insisting that he wanted his team to have a larger presence in Honolulu. “I believe we have a championship caliber team, but our numbers at the Pro Bowl don’t yet reflect that,” explained Shanahan. “But I figured that Griffin’s a tough kid. I’m sure he won’t mind delaying the rehab if it means making his team proud.” Sources close to the team suggest that Shanahan coerced Griffin into participating by taunting him with chicken sounds until the rookie relented. Whether this is true or not, it seems that Griffin has no choice at this point but to suck it up and make the appearance. Shanahan [...]

Mike Shanahan double-dog dares RGIII’s surgeon to try it left-handed

PENSACOLA, Fla. – Moments after Robert Griffin III was put to sleep Wednesday for surgery to repair a torn lateral collateral ligament in his right knee, Redskins coach Mike Shanahan approached renowned orthopedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews to discuss the details of the procedure. “So, according to, like, everyone I’ve talked to, you’re pretty much the best in the country at this kind of surgery,” said Shanahan with a mischievous grin. “But I’m not sure if I believe them. So I was wondering if you might be up for a bit of a…challenge. I dare you to perform the entire procedure with only your left hand.” “What, are you crazy?” Andrews replied. “I’d be risking Robert’s career!” “Exactly,” smirked Shanahan. “But big risks reap even bigger rewards, and if you could pull off a left-handed surgery, I’d be happy to go to the media and declare that you are by far the finest orthopedic surgeon on the planet. Of course, if you’re a chicken, you can go ahead and do [...]

Nation questions RGIII’s blackness after he signs endorsement deal with Yankee Candle

WASHINGTON– Less than a week after ESPN suspended commentator Rob Parker for questioning the blackness of Robert Griffin III, football fans around the nation have begun expressing similar sentiments in light of the quarterback signing a $3 million endorsement deal with the Yankee Candle Company. Wearing neatly pressed Dockers and an argyle sweater vest, the Redskins rookie held a press conference Monday morning to announce the new partnership, confessing his love for the high-end scented candles, which are most commonly purchased by menopausal Caucasian mothers who insist on having their homes constantly smell like red velvet cake and seasonal wreaths. “After a hard day on the football field, nothing says ‘Me Time’ quite like coming home and watching ‘Will and Grace’ with a plate of artisanal cheeses while the warm fragrance of an apple cider jar candle fills my living room,” said Griffin, his eyes alight with the thought of his favorite festive fragrances. The quarterback will be filming a series of advertisements for the candle retailer where he reflects [...]

Choose Your Own Adventure: RGIII Edition

No matter which team you cheer for, you can’t help but like Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III. But due to his precarious playing style, his life is more or less a real-life version of “Final Destination,” and it’s hard to imagine him playing too much longer without succumbing to a career-ending injury. Let’s explore some possible options for how he might finish up the season. After suffering a knee sprain Sunday, Robert Griffin III is questionable for next week’s game against the Browns. If you think he’ll take a week to heal, move on to Option A. If you think he’ll be cleared to play, move on to Option B. Option A: RGIII watches week 15 from the sidelines, yet despite his absence, his team pulls off a big win. Conversely, the Giants and Bears each lose their games, giving the Redskins a little bit of breathing room in their hunt to clinch a playoff spot. With this in mind, the Redskins must decide whether to play a fragile RGIII [...]

RGIII confident he has three great games left in him before suffering career-ending injury

ASHBURN, VA – Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III spoke to reporters before practice Monday, saying he can lead the Redskins to three more exciting victories before sustaining his inevitable career-ending injury. Citing factors like the NFL’s brutality, the risks of his slashing quarterbacking style, and the essential cruelty of life itself, Griffin vividly described how the rest of the season will go. “We’ll ride that momentum from beating Philly into [Thursday's game against] Dallas, and after that I think we can catch the Giants sleeping,” said Griffin, upbeat as ever. “From there we could go over .500 and have a slim chance of making the playoffs if I carry us past Baltimore’s defense.” “I sure hope I can do it, because that’ll set you up for maximum heartbreak in Week 15. You know, the week when I get permanently maimed.” Griffin then made a point of showing reporters his legs, decked out in the Angry Birds socks ESPN featured in their insanely charming piece about his personality. “Look at [...]

RGIII assures box of Pop-Tarts that he didn’t suffer brain damage

ASHBURN, Va. – Since suffering a concussion at the hands of Falcons linebacker Sean Weatherspoon on Sunday, Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III has been a source of serious concern for both fans and the team. Lacking a promising backup, a Griffin-less Redskins would be a team without much hope. But the rookie quarterback has done his best to quell worries, letting a box of strawberry Pop-Tarts know that he’ll be ready to play by the team’s week-six game against the Minnesota Vikings. “Don’t worry, Pop-Tarts, there ain’t a single thing wrong with my brain,” Griffin assured the toaster pastries as drool trickled from his open mouth. Despite some mild soreness, Griffin said that nothing felt unusual on Monday, giving fans optimism for a swift recovery. “Yesterday my head went ‘BONK’ and my thinker box was tickly, but now things is A-OK and B-OK and C-OK,” shouted Griffin at an airplane passing over his DC-area home. A visit from team physicians Monday morning yielded an encouraging update on Griffin’s progress, signaling [...]

Redskins lose offensive line to Indian Removal Act of 1830

Washington, D.C. – The promise shown by rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III has made for an exciting start to the Washington Redskins’ season, but after Thursday, fans have little cause for optimism. Under direct orders from the Department of Homeland Security, the entirety of the team’s offensive line was forced to resign their roster spots in accordance with the Indian Removal Act of 1830. Effective immediately, the players will be required to begin a long and arduous journey on foot to the West, where they’ve been promised small parcels of land on which to rebuild their lives. “We regret the inconvenience that this will cause the Redskins organization, but in accordance with the law signed into effect by President Andrew Jackson, the team’s offensive line will need to evacuate this region of the country immediately,” said Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano. “We recognize that the players might not be Native American by birth, but by voluntarily signing with the team, they’re claiming heritage with the Sioux emblems visible on [...]