Tags archives: prince-fielder

Prince Fielder caught eating sweet spots out of teammates’ bats

CLEVELAND – An unusual equipment shortage might force the Detroit Tigers to forfeit their Friday night game against the Indians. The Tigers arrived to batting practice to find that first baseman Prince Fielder had eaten all of the sweet spots out of the team’s bats, leaving them scrambling to find new lumber in time for the first pitch. According to sources, Fielder’s curiosity drove him to sneak into the team’s equipment truck and begin snacking on the bats. While he only intended to nibble on one or two, the four-time all-star admits that his hunger got the best of him. “Every time someone mentions the sweet spot on a bat, I start fantasizing about what it would taste like,” said Fielder. “And when I woke up this morning, I simply couldn’t stand not knowing anymore.” Fielder initially denied having any knowledge regarding the equipment breech, but teammates soon became suspicious when they noticed his tongue had been mutilated by jagged wooden splinters. “He was trying to blame it on termites [...]

Tim Tebow leads all players in MLB All-Star fan voting

Major League Baseball reported today that New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow is the current leading vote-getter among all players for the 84th MLB All-Star Game, with nearly 2.5 million write-in votes at first base in the American League. Tebow’s 2,493,372 appears to be big enough that he is a shoo-in starter for the July 16 game at Citi Field, easily leading Baltimore Orioles first baseman Chris Davis (1,176,016 votes), Detroit Tigers slugger Prince Fielder (1,058,371) and Boston Red Sox converted catcher Mike Napoli (489,483). While the lead is a very convincing one for Tebow, there may be some obstacles for Tebow to hurdle before he can suit up for the American League — namely that he is not a member of Major League Baseball. But Commissioner Bud Selig, who has struggled to make All-Star-Weekend relevant in previous years, seems to have no issue with Tebow potentially playing. “Major League Baseball believes strongly that fan input is the most important factor when determining All-Star lineups,” Selig said. “The fact that [...]

Prince Fielder proud to represent elephant seals at World Baseball Classic

PHOENIX – With the World Baseball Classic underway in locations all over the globe, Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder says he’s more proud than anyone to be representing his heritage. Starting with a first round showdown against Italy on Friday, the portly slugger will be swinging for Team Elephant Seal, along with 24 other elephant seals who have taken a break from sunning on rocky coastlines to compete against the world’s best. Though the intense Southwestern heat has made Fielder uncomfortable in his thick layer of blubber, he’s confident that he and his elephant seal brethren will be knocking in plenty of runs. “I might be the only one of us with big league experience, but that doesn’t mean these boys can’t hit for power,” said Fielder while chowing down on an assortment of mollusks and soft corals. “You probably won’t see us trying to steal home or anything like that, but we’ll be swinging for the fences.” Fielder was originally asked to be an alternate for Mark Teixeira on [...]

Umpire tosses Prince Fielder for using too much pine tar on McNugget

SAN FRANCISCO – There were many frustrations for the Detroit Tigers in their 8-3 loss in game one of the World Series, but none psychologically undermined them so much as the first inning ejection of slugger Prince Fielder. Fielder was sitting in the on-deck circle, preparing to square off against Giants ace Barry Zito, when the umpire called timeout and asked Fielder what he was doing. As Fielder often does before at-bats, he was dipping McNuggets into a bucket of pine tar, which he melts down to a sauce-like consistency for easy consumption. The flavor, Fielder asserts, is unmatched by any other dipping sauce, and it gives him the energy to swing with his trademark explosiveness. “You can’t eat pine tar; it’ll kill you,” shouted crew chief Gerry Davis. “No it won’t!” responded Fielder. “It comes from a tree, so it’s natural. It’s meant to be eaten.” “No, seriously, young man, I cannot conscionably stand here behind home plate and call this game when you’re shoveling a substance made for [...]

Tigers discover dozens of missing locker room items in nest built by Prince Fielder

DETROIT – Standing alone atop the AL Central, things have been pretty good for the Detroit Tigers on the field recently, but it’s a different story in the team’s locker room. For weeks, pieces of players’ uniforms and their personal items have been disappearing, fostering a sense of distrust among teammates. Wednesday, all suspicions were put to rest when a team maintenance employee discovered a massive nest constructed from the items in a seldom-used storage closet. Inside the nest was first baseman Prince Fielder. “I’d like to apologize to my teammates for stealing their things,” wrote Fielder in a statement to the team. “I just needed to build this nest, and I didn’t have that many supplies, so I just thought that maybe no one would notice if I took some things.” During home series, Fielder has apparently been living in the nest, telling the team that he’s been staying late to work on his swing, when in reality he was tucking away in his nest with snack foods and [...]