Tags archives: peyton-manning

NBC pulls confusing ads promoting next Sunday’s Manning II -- RG III III matchup

Following the successful promotion of last night’s Denver Broncos – New England Patriots matchup as Manning — Brady XIV, NBC executives were quick to promote next week’s Sunday Night Football game between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins using the same roman numeral format, underscoring the Super Bowl-level importance of the game. However, only hours after debuting a new campaign centered around star quarterbacks Eli Manning and Robert Griffin III, NBC decided to pull the ads — which billed the game as Manning II — RG III III — after realizing how confusing they were to viewers. “Last night’s Manning — Brady XIV was a modern classic — maybe the most exciting game of football this year,” said NBC Sports executive producer Sam Flood. “As such, we at NBC felt compelled to ‘keep a good thing going’ with next week’s great NFC East matchup between two longtime rivals. Unfortunately, the fine folks in creative at NBC failed to realize how difficult that would be with two quarterbacks who need [...]

Cooper Manning loses 39th consecutive Manning Bowl

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. – With one loss for each year of his hereditarily inferior life, Cooper Manning lost his 39th consecutive Manning Bowl Sunday, falling short of his younger brothers Peyton and Eli. The 39-year-old found himself unable to pose any substantial competition as his more athletically gifted brothers dueled back and forth on the field, leaving him relegated to the sidelines, where he engaged in a series of diversionary tactics that wholly failed to win the fans’—and his father’s—affections. “I just wish that somebody would pay attention to me,” sighed Cooper at a postgame press conference, before being shooed off stage to make room for his brothers. “Just because I’ve never won a Super Bowl doesn’t mean I’m not just as interesting as Peyton or Eli.” During the game itself, as millions of viewers watched the Giants and Broncos battle for supremacy, Cooper did everything he could to steal the show, including doing cannonballs in an inflatable swimming pool, playing “Hot Cross Buns” on his recorder, and pretending that [...]

The NFL’s Walter White: Peyton Manning is a secret drug lord

You read that headline correctly. Our investigative team has determined that Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is almost certainly a secret drug lord, living a hush-hush second life similar to that of Walter White on AMC’s Breaking Bad. Sound crazy? Yes, absolutely. But sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. News began circulating Wednesday that there was a popular strain of weed going around in Colorado called “Peyton Manning.” People seemed to get a good laugh out of seeing Manning’s face on a Schedule I substance, but no one seemed to realize that the weed probably indirectly generates a tremendous amount of income for him. As a sativa-dominant hybrid strain, the Peyton Manning marijuana is enormously potent in terms of stimulating appetite. It gives you the munchies, essentially. And there are few people in the world who profit more off snack-seeking stoners than Manning. Last year, two weeks before marijuana was legalized in Colorado, the 12-time Pro Bowler announced that he was opening 21 Papa John’s pizza locations in the [...]

Eli Manning throws record 7 tantrums before picking up his toys

NEW YORK – On the same night that his brother Peyton threw an NFL record seven touchdowns in a single game, Giants quarterback Eli Manning accomplished a similar feat, throwing a record seven temper tantrums before finally agreeing to pick up his toys. Manning started finding his rhythm shortly after dinner time, when his wife Abby told him that he needed to clean up his play area first if he wanted to watch the football game. “But I don’t wanna!” Eli complained, kicking his Angry Birds pillow in protest. “I just wanna play!” His wife then spanked his hand with a wooden spoon, causing Eli to erupt into his first tantrum of the evening. Unable to match on defense, Abby briefly left the room to compose herself, allowing Eli to happily resume the make-believe wedding between Stretch Armstrong and Baby Go Bye-Bye that he had started before dinner. Abby soon returned, however, and threatened that if Eli didn’t pick up his toys, she would take his Bubble Guppies for a [...]

Obama: “Fuck Syria, fuck everything. It’s football time, America.”

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia – Speaking from the G20 summit in Russia Thursday, U.S. President Barack Obama ignored any questions from reporters regarding urgent world crises, instead proclaiming that there was only one thing that mattered to him at the present time. “Fuck Syria, fuck everything,” Mr. Obama declared. “It’s football time in America, and that’s all we fucking care about.” The president made it exceedingly clear that he currently has zero patience for anything other than football, noting that he has “suffered immensely” over the seven-month offseason and that “baseball is boring as dog shit.” “Seriously, that was a long-ass fucking offseason,” Mr. Obama reiterated. “Felt like the whole fucking time I was being waterboarded with everyone’s stupid dipshit problems. ‘Mr. President, another asshole kid shot up a school,’ ‘Mr. President, the economy sucks and everyone’s poor as fuck,’ ‘Mr. President, Syria’s being a dick, and no matter what you do, you’re gonna look like a dick, too’—it just goes on and on and on. But not anymore. It’s football [...]

Broncos clinch AFC West

DENVER – With a 27-26 win over the St. Louis Rams on Saturday, the Denver Broncos secured their third straight AFC West title, sending the Chiefs, Chargers, and Raiders back to the drawing board for 2014. Surging up and down the field at blistering speeds behind quarterback Peyton Manning, the Broncos handily demonstrated their ability to perform as a competent team unit, which was all it took to officially establish themselves as the undisputed kings of their division. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell officially recognized the playoff berth in a ceremony following the game, acknowledging that even though the regular season had yet to commence, there’s no point in dragging out what’s already certain. “I hereby declare the Denver Broncos the AFC West champions, as it is indisputably clear that they will encounter no discernible competition from other teams within the division,” Goodell stated as the players popped champagne bottles in the background. “This does not mean the Chiefs, Chargers, and Raiders are eliminated from wild card contention, though I anticipate [...]

Peyton Manning reassures tearful Eli that Bradley Manning isn't their brother

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – A tearful Eli Manning had to be comforted by his older brother Peyton on Wednesday in light of news that Army Pfc. Bradley Manning—the man responsible for leaking some 750,000 classified items to Wikileaks—had been sentenced to 35 years in prison for his crimes. The younger Manning was under the mistaken impression that the controversial whistleblower was his brother, despite having no evidence or memories to support such a belief. “Peyton! They got our brother! Bradley’s going to jail!” Eli sobbed to Peyton during an hour-long phone call earlier on Wednesday. “They caught him leaking army secrets to Wikipedia!” Peyton, well acquainted with Eli’s emotional outbursts, patiently tried to clarify to his brother that the Manning he had seen on the news wasn’t actually related to them, and that their real third brother, Cooper, was safe and secure in his Louisiana home. “You see, different people can have the same last name,” Peyton explained. “For instance, there’s the Fantastic Mr. Fox from your picture book and [...]

The real story behind Peyton Manning and Ray Lewis’ private locker room meeting

After the Ravens victory over the Broncos Saturday, a candid photo of Peyton Manning privately congratulating Ray Lewis quickly went viral. Though it appeared to be a poignant moment between two of football’s most revered veterans, JukeLeft was able to access security footage to find out what actually took place. *** (After downing nine shots of Papa John’s garlic butter to soothe the agony of defeat, PEYTON MANNING wanders over to the Ravens’ locker room to congratulate linebacker RAY LEWIS.) PEYTON: Hello, Ray, I’m Peyton Manning. You might remember me as the winner of the 2006 Super Bowl MVP award, or perhaps from today’s game, in which your team defeated my team in double overtime. RAY: Of course, man, you’re a legend, I’m so glad to meet you. And who’s this little guy? PEYTON: This is my son, Marshall. You might be wondering why I’m letting him play with that little piece of trash in his hands, and the answer is that he is a Manning, and Mannings are not [...]

Tony Dungy takes troubled box turtle under his wing

TAMPA – As a mentor to many troubled NFL players throughout the years, former head coach Tony Dungy has sculpted an image as a compassionate, trustworthy father figure. Dungy took this image to the next level Wednesday by taking Lil’ Franklin, a troubled 2-year-old box turtle, under his wing. Dungy discovered Lil’ Franklin at Tampa’s Lowry Park Zoo, where the box turtle had been snapping at tourists through the glass and refusing to eat the foliage in his exhibit. Upon seeing the distressed turtle, Dungy reportedly began whispering to it. “Look at you, little box turtle. You’re so lost. C’mere, Lil’ Franklin. I’ll help you. I will help you find your way.” Dungy then pressed his cheek against the aquarium and began making soothing whistle sounds, his tears dribbling down the glass in a show of intense empathy. Other guests were so disconcerted by the former coach’s behavior that security was summoned to attend to the situation. When Dungy was asked to leave, he demanded that he be able to [...]

The trademarked phrases of your favorite NFL quarterbacks

News broke today that Robert Griffin III is attempting to trademark a wide array of phrases, indicating that the rookie has ambitions to be not just a marketable athlete but rather a straight-up sports mogul. Some of the phrases he’s trying to claim include “Unbelievably unbelievable,” “Go catch your dream,” “Work hard stay humble,” “Light you up,” and “No pressure no diamonds.” That got us wondering: What phrases have other NFL quarterbacks trademarked? Here’s what we uncovered.  Mark Sanchez – Buttfumble – FUMBLESTRONG – When life gives you lemons, throw them for interceptions John Skelton – HE. COULD. GO. ALL. THE. WAY. ACTUALLY. JUST. KIDDING. SACKED. FOR. LOSS. OF. TEN. – The few, the proud: my completions – Catch me if you can. (You can’t.) – LEAST MODE Michael Vick – Who let the dogs out, and why am I curb-stomping them? – Winning the war on pugs Eli Manning – I’m a big boy – Live from New York, it’s Saturday night, and I’m at home in my jammies! [...]

Letters from NFL quarterbacks when they were little kids

Last night on Sunday Night Football, we were treated to an adorable letter that Colin Kaepernick wrote in fourth grade, where he predicted that he’d one day be an NFL quarterback for either “the niners or the packers.” JukeLeft’s investigative team has uncovered some other letters that NFL quarterbacks wrote when they were kids, but we can’t say that they’re all as adorable. Tim Tebow Cam Newton Kyle Orton Peyton Manning Chad Henne Jay Cutler

JukeLeft digs into the Thanksgiving traditions of your favorite athletes

When they’re not getting DUIs or filing for bankruptcy, your favorite sports heroes are often enjoying peaceful time with their loved ones. Here are some of their most beloved Thanksgiving traditions. – Kobe Bryant has his family members go around the table and share which Kobe Bryant-related feat they’re most thankful for. – Jay Cutler severely concusses himself on a tough piece of gristle. – Brett Favre drives around the neighborhood demanding royalties from any families he sees playing football in Wrangler jeans. – Members of the Chiefs, Indians, Blackhawks, Redskins, and Braves all have their houses invaded by ravenous white men who force them to migrate westward with nothing but $10 in land grants and cholera. – Bill Belichick refers family members to a team spokesman regarding what he’s thankful for. – C.C. Sabathia calls dibs on the drumsticks, as well as the white meat, dark meat, sides, desserts, and the fake plastic leaves in the cornucopia. – Placido Polanco generously donates his head to be used as a [...]

Osweiler era begins in Denver

ATLANTA – As the janitorial crew worked to clean up the mess left behind by the Georgia Dome’s sell-out crowd at the Falcons 27-21 victory over the Broncos, they knew they’d be working overtime to scrape Peyton Manning’s tarnished legacy from the stadium’s flattened turf. Monday’s horrific outing was more or less an ugly retirement party for Manning, erasing every single positive memory from his storied career with three interceptions in Denver’s first three drives. The loss, which all but derailed the team’s journey on the Super Bowl Express, will mark a critical pivot for the Broncos from the Era of Manning to the Era of Osweiler. “In light of the disaster Peyton perpetrated against this organization last night, it’s obvious to everyone here in the Broncos’ front office that now is the time to put the team’s fate in the hands of rookie quarterback Brock Osweiler,” said executive vice president of football operations John Elway. “It’s time for a fresh start, and we can’t wait to see where Brock [...]

Andrew Luck unsure why Archie Manning spanking him, calling him Peyton

INDIANPOLIS – Colts rookie quarterback Andrew Luck had a rough first day in the NFL, suffering three interceptions and a fumble in a 41-21 loss against the Chicago Bears. But things grew even more unpleasant for Luck when he arrived home Sunday and was ambushed by Archie Manning, father of former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. The senior Manning was allegedly waiting in Luck’s living, where he surprised the 22-year-old by jumping from behind an ottoman and turning him over his knee. He then proceeded to spank him with an open hand 15-20 times on the buttocks, shouting, “Bad boy, Peyton! You did a bad job today! I’m very ashamed of you!” It was at this point that the situation slowly began to register with Luck. “At first my instinct was to beat the crap out of the guy, but then I realized how old he was and thought that maybe he’d gotten away from a nursing home or something,” Luck explained. “Finally, once he started saying ‘Peyton,’ it occurred to [...]

Colts fans still waiting on Peyton Manning to return from quick trip to buy cigarettes

INDIANAPOLIS – The Indianapolis Colts faithful have endured a dramatic, confusing offseason, punctuated by a massive overhaul of their team’s roster and an urgent sense of impatience spawning from the mysterious absence of quarterback Peyton Manning. Andrew Neel, Hartford County resident and treasurer of the unofficial Colts fan club, has been waiting on word from Manning since he last spoke at a cryptic press conference in March. “We was all waitin’ there for an autograph, thinkin’ he was gonna say somethin’ congratulating his brother, when he told us he was goin’ out for a pack of smokes and that we should learn to love Andrew Luck while he’s gone,” said Neel. The official transcript of the press conference reads as follows: My sweet, beloved Colts fans, I want you to know that I care for all of you and that you’re all so special in your own unique ways. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But I also wanted to let you know that I’m going to be leaving. Just [...]