BEIJING – Following news that Tokyo had been selected to host the 2020 Summer Olympic Games, the People’s Republic of China announced that their 2020 gymnastics team had officially been born. In a statement released Tuesday, the Chinese Olympic Committee said that 10 athletes total—five males and five females—had simultaneously been born in a laboratory setting, each of them genetically designed to achieve Olympic gold. To foster a team mentality, the infants will not be given names until it is time to compete, though each has a 10-digit identity code tattooed behind their ear for medical reference. “They are the best in the world in their age group, and as they continue to develop basic motor skills and the ability to crawl, they will only become better,” said coach Xia Yuan, who proudly noted that she would be training the infants until they reach the “competition age” of two and a half. “For now, we must break them of any bad habits or weaknesses while their skulls are still soft [...]
Here’s Bodin Issara, who represented Thailand at the 2012 Summer Olympics, pummeling the living crap out of his former partner Maneepong Jonjit. For the first time in history, badminton sort of seems like an interesting sport.
NEW YORK – A new poll of non-amputee Olympic athletes has confirmed that Olympians with all four appendages find little to no difficulty in discreetly murdering their girlfriends. The poll, conducting by researchers at Columbia University, comes less than a week after Olympic runner Oscar Pistorius, who had his legs amputated in infancy, allegedly murdered girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. “We’re making no implication that those with disabilities should feel limited by their handicaps, but our data makes it clear that fully-limbed Olympians are far more successful at executing their loved ones and avoiding prosecution,” said lead researcher Dr. Edward Markley. Among the Olympians polled was record-breaking sprinter Usain Bolt, who was not only able to murder his girlfriend without being caught, but also did so four seconds faster than Pistorius. “I have all the respect in the world for Oscar’s ambitions, but at some point he’s going to have to admit that he’ll always fall short of the most elite competitors,” argued Bolt, who efficiently killed his girlfriend four months ago [...]
PRETORIA, South Africa – Police announced Friday morning that their search for Olympian Oscar Pistorius, who is wanted for the murder of his model girlfriend, had yielded a faulty arrest. Authorities took a man they originally believed to be Pistorius into custody on Thursday but soon thereafter released him when they realized he was just some legless guy. Lt. Katlego Mogale of the Pretoria Police Department held a press conference Friday to accept responsibility for the erroneous arrest. “Our officers swore to me that they’d arrested the right man, but then they just brought in some bloke who didn’t have any legs. I was like, ‘Who’s this, a war veteran?’ And they said, ‘It’s Pistorius, sir,’ and I said, ‘Really? You honestly think a guy without legs could be an Olympic track star?’ And that shut them up right quick.” Though the man was carrying Pistorius’s driver’s license at the time of the arrest, he explained that he had found it on the sidewalk and was planning on returning it. [...]
NEW YORK – A new study out of Columbia University has determined that nearly all of the U.S. medalists from this year’s Summer Olympics have now fully transitioned back into the inconsequential existences they led before arriving in London, despite just three months ago being nationally celebrated for their athletic heroics. The study found that though their heart-stopping accomplishments earned them a brief spell of godlike celebrity, the Olympians are now no more significant to the average American than any other schmuck they’d pass on the sidewalk. “I don’t want to say that the achievements for which they worked their entire lives were a total waste, but certainly no one beyond their immediate families can remember any of their feats, let alone their names,” said Dr. James Patten, who authored the study. “Other than the basketball guys, the gymnast girls, and a couple of the swimmers, the rest of the athletes will now live the remainder of their lives in a downward spiral of disappointment and anonymity, forever removed from [...]
LONDON – One month and one day after the men’s 400m T44 final began at the Paralympic Games, it has finally reached its harrowing conclusion. More than 13 spectators were on hand Tuesday afternoon to watch runner Edward Brace of Finland cross the finish line with a final time of 753 hours, 18 minutes, and 21 seconds. Brace lost both legs below the knee at a young age due to a rare congenital condition. Under typical circumstances he can run at impressive speeds, but occasionally his condition causes his hip to align uncomfortably with his spine, severely limiting his movement. This is what happened as he left the starting block, and within his first few strides, his back locked up and arched in a limbo-like fashion. His neck contorted uncomfortably, his thighs buckled inward, and to keep his balance he had to put both arms behind his head. The resulting posture was like that of a sloth reclining in a La-Z-Boy, which limited Brace to a painstakingly slow running pace. [...]
PYONGYANG – Citizens of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, more commonly known as North Korea, rejoiced this weekend during a parade held for the Olympic athletes who honored the country with gold medals. An Kum-Ae, Om Yun-Chol, Kim Un-Guk, and Rim Jong-Sim all took first in their pursuits at the 2012 Summer Olympic Games, with three earning the top prize in weightlifting, and one—Kum-Ae—topping the podium in judo. “The talents of these athletes have delighted me and exalted the name of my father, Kim Jong-Il,” said Kim Jong-Un, the country’s dictator. Thousands of malnourished spectators gathered at Kim Il-Sung Square at the orders of the country’s military elite and cheered fearfully as the athletes were driven around in a 1992 Crown Victoria with the roof sawed off, resembling a convertible. After being paraded around for six consecutive hours, the athletes were then taken to an elevated platform where a group of roughly two dozen individuals were standing with cloth bags over their heads. At a high-ranking general’s orders, the [...]
Here’s the blooper reel from the 2012 U.S. men’s Olympic basketball team. As far as we know, these lighthearted moments could’ve been scripted by a highly-paid image-conscious PR firm, but why don’t we just indulge ourselves and imagine that some of the biggest divas on the planet can occasionally be tolerable–maybe even likable.
LONDON – The 2012 Summer Paralympic Games, originally scheduled to commence on August 29th, were abruptly cancelled Thursday morning as a result of a poorly placed staircase that would impede wheelchair-bound athletes from entering the Olympic Stadium. “It is with tremendous sadness and utter humiliation that I must announce the cancellation of these 14th Paralympic Games,” stated International Paralympic Committee president Sir Philip Craven. “We thought we’d worked out all the bugs in regards to accommodating the athletes, but it seems we forgot about one single staircase that will unfortunately prevent most of the competitors from arriving at the venue.” Accessibility has always proven to be a difficult issue at the Paralympics, but this marks the first instance where it’s led to the Games being cancelled. The problematic staircase is located just off Marshgate Lane, where nearly all forms of transportation must exit to make their way to Olympic Stadium. Though organizers admit that a wheelchair lift could be outfitted alongside the stairs, considering the vast number of competitors that [...]
“….with the puddin’ pops and the gold medals and the silly words and faces, glarghhhhh…”
ORLANDO – Home from London after several grueling weeks of Olympic competition, the U.S. water polo teams were returned to their rightful home at SeaWorld Orlando Friday morning. Transported from Orlando International Airport in a 20,000-gallon water tank mounted to a truck bed, the athletes finally concluded their 4,000 mile journey from the U.K. when they were greeted by cheering tourists at the theme park’s entrance. “Even though we didn’t perform up to our expectations at the Olympics, it’s still wonderful to receive such a warm welcome,” said men’s captain Tony Azevedo. “We still feel like heroes, and it’s great to be home.” The women’s team, which won its first ever Olympic gold, was placed in an exhibit tank in an underwater restaurant designed to make guests feel like they’re living among the marine life. The women will swim wearing their gold medals, and they’ll recreate memorable plays from the Olympics for guests who reward them with sardines. The men’s team, still agitated from their eighth place finish, will be [...]
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA – Though the Olympics are officially over, the media frenzy surrounding all-around gold medal gymnast Gabby Douglas is just beginning. The 16-year-old has drawn loads of attention since her return to the States, with an appearance on the Tonight Show and a celebratory reception from her hometown. But presently she finds herself at the center of a news story she couldn’t have foreseen: a hostage story. As Douglas was walking from her car towards a coffee shop Thursday morning, an American stink badger burst from a coverage of shrubs and grabbed her by the wrist, quickly scurrying away before those with the gymnast could save her. Douglas, no larger than the average house cat, was helpless to defend herself against the badger and screamed in terror as she was abducted. “It was horrible,” recalled witness Susan Oberle, 42. “I couldn’t tell if it was going to eat her or mate with her, but it definitely had a plan for what it wanted to do.” The badger carried [...]
Have a shotgun ready. Or at least like a blowdryer or something.
No, seriously, McKayla Maroney. Eat your damn vegetables.
The tradition of the Olympic torch has captivated the global imagination since its inaugural year in 1928, but as society and technology have dramatically evolved over time, the flame-bearing torch has remained stuck in history. Researchers at the University of Cambridge are looking to change this and have begun developing a new torch that would be powered by electricity—not fire. “There are skeptics out there who insist it is impossible to produce such a device, but we are working with utmost confidence that an electric torch can be a reality in the foreseeable future,” said Dr. Calvin Dirac, who’s spearheading the project. In an age of iPads, pilotless drones, and genetic alteration, the idea of a handheld electric torch device doesn’t seem too farfetched, but the International Olympic Committee has been resistant to stray from the existing torch model, which leaves the flame—a symbol of international unity—susceptible to wind and rain. Dirac believes that society must strive for something better. “I know that in 2012 it seems perfectly reasonable to [...]
Sixteen-time Olympic medalist Michael Phelps aggravated hotel guests with his incessantly competitive antics in a hot tub on Thursday. Staying at the Hilton Garden Inn in Lake Forest, Illinois, Phelps elected to unwind in the hot tub after a long day of conditioning. Though initially star-struck by the athlete, other hotel guests were quickly annoyed by Phelps’ need to prove his supremacy in the water. “He made it miserable for all of us,” said Carol Hartshorn, who was in the hot tub with Phelps for eleven minutes before deciding to leave. “We should’ve known he was going to be obnoxious when he showed up in his goggles and his little Speedo outfit.” When Phelps arrived, four other guests were already enjoying the hot tub. The swimmer then dived head first into the water, creating a large splash. Michael Wesley, an insurance broker in town for a conference, was the first to recognize who had joined them. “Well at first I was stoked. I said, ‘Hey, you’re Michael Phelps! Have a [...]
In response to Olympic gold medalist Shawn Johnson’s retirement from gymnastics Sunday afternoon, thousands of America’s most repulsive pedophiles also announced their retirement from pedophilia. “It is with tremendous sadness that so many of my basement-dwelling brethren and I must officially withdraw from pedophilia,” wrote Darren Cargill, spokesman for the United Pedophiles of America, in a press release. “Even though she was 20 years old, she maintained the spirit of a sexy and precocious fifth grader, giving us a legal outlet for our detestable perversity. She will be dearly missed.” Pedophiles regarded Johnson with lusty admiration for her compact four feet nine inch frame, her skin-tight gymnastics attire, and her incredible flexibility, all of which induced millions upon millions of utterly depraved fantasies. Within minutes of her retirement announcement, the Internet was flooded with tributes to the petite blonde. “I liked looking at pictures of her butt,” reflected message board commenter ToysRUsLurker69. “She was like the little sister I never had, though if she actually was my sister I’d totally [...]