Tags archives: new-york-yankees

“But how ‘free’ is free agency, really?” muses Robin Canó during six-hour meeting with Yankees executives

NEW YORK, NY — Though the New York Yankees described their six-hour meeting with free agent second baseman Robinson Canó as “very productive,” unnamed sources reported today that Canó spent much of the meeting waxing philosophical on the concept of liberty and whether a free agent was truly free, to the great frustration of Yankees executives. “In one sense, free agency simply implies I’m able to rationally act within the constructs collectively agreed upon by a naturally occurring social structure — manifested in this case by the owners and MLBPA,” said Canó, occasionally checking his copy of Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan. “But in another sense, as the premier second baseman in baseball, I’m restricting my agency by subjugating myself to the rule of a highly restrictive authority. Locke, I believe, would posit that my God-given ability to get a $300 million contract would only be possible in a state of nature free of the CBA’s Draconian influence.” “And what of this word, “free”? Canó continued, as Yankees executives checked their watches. [...]

Mariano Rivera politely asks store clerk to stop playing Enter Sandman every time he picks up his dry cleaning

After politely smiling the first few times Enter Sandman blasted through the speakers of American Threads Dry Cleaners to mark his arrival, former New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera today asked American Threads clerk Randall Podolski to stop playing the Metallica hit song every time he came to pick up his suits and sport coats. “I know he means well, but honestly, it’s a little disrespectful,” Rivera said. “I used that song to pump me up for the biggest moments of my life. It got me through 19 seasons, five World Series wins, and 652 saves. To hear that thundering guitar riff when I’m picking up my wife’s cocktail dress really cheapens it.” “Just play some Steely Dan or something,” Rivera added. “Or some Michael McDonald-era Doobie Brothers. You know… dry cleaner music.” While Podolski quickly agreed to drop the Enter Sandman routine, he insisted the song was intended as a sign of respect for Rivera’s craft and years of consistency. “Mariano, he’s been coming in here for 19 years, [...]

Yankees acquire Oakland A’s to bolster playoff hopes

NEW YORK – Shrugging off allegations that they’d been eliminated from playoff contention, the New York Yankees announced Friday that they had acquired the Oakland A’s in an effort to boost their odds heading into the postseason. The Yankees, who already boast a staggering $229 million payroll, shelled out an additional quarter billion dollars late Thursday night to purchase the A’s after hours of tense negotiations. The A’s, who in winning the AL West clinched a playoff berth, will retain their current roster, but all postseason games will be played in the iconic pinstripe Yankees uniforms. Accordingly, any playoff achievements will be credited to the Yankees organization. “Listen, we don’t give a shit about rules or fair competition or anything like that—we insist on the Yankees being in the playoffs, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it,” said team owner Hal Steinbrenner at a press conference. “So, yeah, we went ahead and acquired the A’s, because what else were we supposed to do? All our guys were either old [...]

Pulled hamstring not as delicious as C.C. Sabathia hoped

NEW YORK – If C.C. Sabathia’s year wasn’t bad enough already, the Yankees announced Monday that the pitcher’s season had reached a premature end due to a pulled hamstring, an injury he described as “not nearly as delicious as I’d hoped.” Upon undergoing an MRI, the 289-pound ace was initially optimistic, admitting that he didn’t know much about pulled hamstrings but thought they sounded “absolutely mouthwatering.” He said that the scan of the damaged tendons appeared “tender and succulent,” but he found himself deeply disappointed when he later tried to eat them in the privacy of his home. “This had already been a rough season for me without being misled about the tastiness of my injury, but now things are feeling 10 times more hopeless,” sighed a discouraged Sabathia. “To me, a pulled hamstring sounds like some sort of savory cross between pulled pork and string cheese. But it turns out it’s not delicious at all. Even when you slather it in barbecue sauce, it still tastes like bloody rubber [...]

Yankees honor Andy Pettitte with leftover cake from Mariano Rivera ceremony

NEW YORK – The Yankees honored long-time starter Andy Pettitte on Sunday, acknowledging his impending retirement with leftover cake from an earlier ceremony honoring closer Mariano Rivera. Pettitte, who recently announced that Sunday would be his 219th and final regular-season start with the Yankees, was recognized for his service in the locker room following the team’s 2-1 loss to the San Francisco Giants. “Hey, Andy, we didn’t really have any time to do anything for you because we were mostly focused on Mariano, but on behalf of the Yankees organization, I’d like you to have some of his cake,” said manager Joe Girardi after noticing Pettitte sitting alone in the corner of the room. “You’ll always hold a special spot in Yankees history. I mean, not so special that we’re going to retire your number or give you a statue, but we’ll definitely give you, like, a 25 percent discount on tickets if you ever want to come back again to watch a game.” Also on hand for the celebration [...]

Ichiro retires after 4000th hit gets him into next round of bizarre Japanese game show

NEW YORK – Shortly after securing the 4,000th hit of his professional career on Wednesday, Yankees outfielder Ichiro Suzuki announced his sudden retirement from baseball, revealing that his entire 21 years as an athlete have all been in an effort to reach the next round of an elaborate and bizarre Japanese game show. The show, titled Takeshi’s Unbeatable Electro-Spandex Banzai Happy Sex Sports Time To The Limit!, is a wildly popular gladiator-type competition that challenges contestants to perform daunting feats in order to reach higher rounds. Those who complete the fifth and final round are bestowed the title of Ultimate Banzai Jesus Discovery Master, whereas those who are eliminated are subjected to punishments such as submersion in a gurgling vat of sewage, having their family pets detonated on live television, and having their bodies covered with tattoos of racy frog characters. “I am grateful for the years I spent in Major League Baseball, but now I must return to Japan to continue my mission towards becoming the next Ultimate Banzai [...]

A-Rod unwinds from rough week with cheery visit to puppy mill

WATERLOO, NY – Feeling tired and discouraged after a tough week in the public spotlight, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez decided to unwind a little with a cheery, uplifting visit to a rural puppy mill. Rodriguez ventured out to the breeding facility early Friday morning, beaming with excitement at the prospect of witnessing egregious animal welfare violations. Once there, Rodriguez was given a private VIP tour of the appallingly filthy kennels, the sight of which instantly melted away the former MVP’s stress. “Wow, it’s amazing how dogs so emaciated and malnourished can still look like they’re too big for their cages,” Rodriguez marveled, jabbing a Labrador retriever’s blistered paw with a stick. “If they’re so hungry, you wonder why they don’t just eat some of those flies crawling all over their faces.” Rodriguez then pretended to play the animal’s ribcage as if it were a xylophone. Over the next several hours, the facility owner delighted Rodriguez with numerous tales of cruelty and neglect, boasting of how he could sell the [...]

Yankees confident A-Rod will have most productive postseason of career

NEW YORK – Though the Yankees learned on Monday that they’d be losing star slugger Alex Rodriguez to a 211-game suspension, the team is remaining optimistic about the future. Speaking with reporters, manager Joe Girardi expressed confidence that even with the PED suspension, he still expects Rodriguez to deliver the most productive postseason of his career. “Listen, keep in mind that last year Alex was hurting our team in the playoffs and we had to bench him,” said Girardi. “If by some chance we can make it into October this year, he won’t even get the chance to hurt us. He’ll be exactly where we need him to be: out of commission.” With a 57-54 record in one of baseball’s toughest divisions, odds are getting slimmer and slimmer that the Yankees will earn a playoff berth. But even if the team fails to make a run, fans will still likely look back on the 2013 postseason as the most dominant of Rodriguez’s career. “Let’s see if I’m remembering correctly: In [...]

Incompetent Astros send ‘FAREWELL MARIANO RIVERA’ card to Fernando Rodney

  HOUSTON – On Sunday, the league-wide campaign to honor Yankees closer Mariano Rivera resumed at Fenway Park, as Red Sox fans rose for a thunderous standing ovation to show their respect for the rival pitcher. Yet further south, the 33-64 Houston Astros were less successful in their attempt to celebrate the future Hall-of-Famer, as the team mistakenly mailed a “FAREWELL MARIANO RIVERA” card to Tampa Bay Rays closer Fernando Rodney. “Wait, isn’t Mariano Rivera that really good black closer?” asked Astros manager Bo Porter upon learning about his team’s error. “Yeah, so we mailed the card to the Rays, because they’re the team with the really good black closer. Right? What am I missing here?” As the de facto closer for the hottest team in the American League, it’s understandable how Rodney might’ve caught the Astros’ attention, but many are still baffled as to how the team could’ve mistaken him for Rivera, the greatest closer in the history of the game. In the card, Astros players and coaches scrawled [...]

Jeter bores teammates with endless photos from trip to DL

NEW YORK – Making his season debut in a Yankees uniform on Thursday, Derek Jeter spent the entirety of the game boring his teammates with a slideshow of photos from his long trip to the disabled list. “…and this one’s from the hydrotherapy tub in the trainer’s office…and this one’s from one of those amazing deep-tissue stimulation sessions I keep telling you about…and this one’s of Dr. Ahmad and I chillaxin’ in the orthopedic center, sippin’ some super yummy tropical Powerade out of coconuts,” Jeter rambled as he clicked through an endless succession of photos he’d compiled in a Powerpoint entitled, “♥♥ ♥Derek’s SUPER SILLY DL Vacay!!! ♥ ♥ ♥.” Jeter’s teammates listened patiently out of respect for their captain, though it was evident that most found the slideshow excruciatingly tedious. Several players stifled yawns in an effort to stay awake, while outfielder Ichiro Suzuki pretended that he didn’t understand English so that he wouldn’t feel obligated to pay attention. Jeter repeatedly subjected the players to inside jokes that he’d [...]

Yankees designate A-Rod for rehab assignment in active volcano

NEW YORK – Following news that he’d been green-lit by team doctors to participate in rehab games, on Wednesday the Yankees designated third baseman Alex Rodriguez for assignment in an active volcano. Starting immediately, Rodriguez will have full clearance to play unrestricted innings of baseball for the first time since being sidelined by a hip injury. He’ll work to get back into playing shape from the inside of Popocatepetl, a massive active volcano 30 miles outside of Mexico City that is widely considered to be one of the world’s most dangerous. “As players age, it’s good to give them rehab assignments in places that are warm and humid to keep their joints moving fluidly,” explained Yankees GM Brian Cashman. “Seeing that Alex is getting older and is no longer giving us all-star production, we figured it’d be helpful for him to spend a few weeks simmering amidst a bubbling lake of 2,192 °F lava.” He continued: “Really, though, we’re mostly just sending him there because we hate him.” Rodriguez will not [...]

Yasiel Puig on record pace to become a Yankee

NEW YORK – Having batted .474 with five home runs in the first 15 games of his major league career, Dodgers outfielder Yasiel Puig is on record pace to become the next big Yankees superstar. His start, widely deemed to be one of the most impressive in baseball’s modern era, has all but guaranteed that the moment he hits free agency, the Bronx Bombers will purchase his talents with a shameful amount of cash. Speaking after Wednesday night’s game, where Puig carried the Dodgers to a breezy 6-0 win over New York, Yankees general manager Brian Cashman hinted that it was all but an inevitability that the young Cuban would one day don the pinstripes. “We can’t stake a claim in him ‘til 2019 when he hits the market, but that just means the Dodgers will spend six years sanding his rough edges before we swoop in and steal the finished product,” Cashman explained. “Heck, if he keeps this pace up, we might bribe Selig to invent some violation that [...]

MLB suspends Manny Ramirez 500 games "just for the fun of it"

On the eve of possible suspensions for as many as 20 major league baseball players for their connections to a Miami-area pharmacy known for its sale of performance enhancing drugs, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced the league had suspended former outfielder Manny Ramirez 500 games just for the fun of it. “Given Manny’s history of repeated, brazen steroid use, suspending him again seemed like a no-brainer,” Selig said. “With so many popular and well-respected players from across the league facing lengthy suspensions and permanent asterisks next to their name, we thought we’d let fans have a bit of a laugh to take their mind off their favorite teams struggling without their best hitters.” Ramirez, who has been playing with the EDA Rhinos of the Chinese Professional Baseball League in Taiwan, has continued to hit towering home runs even at the age of 41. But with this latest suspension, a major league comeback seems unlikely, given that he will be almost 45 before he is eligible to return. Ramirez, however, chose [...]

Rivera successfully silences Chamberlain with hotdog

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – The baseball world is abuzz following an incident on Saturday in which Joba Chamberlain became outraged over being shushed by Mariano Rivera. New developments have emerged, however, and it is now being reported that Rivera quickly rectified the situation by giving Chamberlain a hotdog. Chamberlain, whose loud chatter was interrupting Rivera’s discussion with reporters about an emotional event earlier in the day, was quickly silenced upon being handed the cylinder of processed meat, as few things are more important to the pitcher than high calorie foods. “Initially, it pissed me off when I was shushed, but then [Mariano] gave me the hotdog, and that made me happy because I am a fat and disgusting slob,” Chamberlain later admitted to reporters. “Cramming my giant hog mouth with mechanically-separated animal byproducts makes me less obnoxious and self-absorbed.” Chamberlain ultimately never ended up apologizing to Rivera, though few people could expect a gesture so courteous from someone who’s so obese that he once snapped his ankle trying to bounce [...]