Tags archives: new-england-patriots

Gronkowski doubtful for Week 3 with hangover

FOXBOROUGH, MA – According to a team source, New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is doubtful for Week 3, hinting that a pounding hangover will keep him sidelined. Gronkowski, who has missed the first two weeks of the season recovering from surgeries on his back and forearm, will be making an appearance at an area nightclub Saturday night that will likely see him consuming a harrowing amount of alcohol. Though he wishes a Sunday morning hangover was avoidable, he conceded that it was highly improbable. “Yeah, it sucks it has to be this way,” Gronkowski said, confirming his Saturday night plans with reporters. “But when you drink, you get hangovers, and the Gronkster’s got to drink. Beer, Jäger Bombs, tequila off your sister’s titties—whatever. Fact is, the Gronk Man’s gonna get wasted, and there’s nothing we can do about it.” The two-time Pro Bowler did offer some good news, however, noting that he was making “big-time strides” with his rehab and could probably play his first game of the [...]

Tom Brady goes to Craigslist to find new receivers

Tom Brady’s having a rough time adjusting to his new receiver situation. In Thursday’s game against the Jets, he had one of the worst statistical performances of his career, going 19 for 39 and completing fewer than 50 percent of his passes for the first time in four years. Brady was visibly angered by his young receivers, who often struggled to make easy catches and run their routes. If this Craigslist post is any indication, it seems like Brady has had enough.

Report: 26-year-old unemployed virgin’s life way better than yours

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. – According to nearly every relevant metric, your life is vastly inferior to that of 26-year-old unemployed virgin Tim Tebow. Sources indicate that no matter how successful you might happen to be, whether in your career field or with the opposite sex, your accomplishments are pathetically miniscule compared to those of Tebow, who has no worthwhile prospects for employment and has never been intimate with a woman—not even an unattractive one with low standards. “Yep, sorry to break it to you, but that 26-year-old unemployed virgin is far happier and more accomplished than you can ever hope to be,” said Harvard professor of socioeconomics, Dr. Edwin Conner. “To put it into perspective, if a 26-year-old unemployed virgin is a filet mignon, then you’re basically a half-eaten hotdog with ants crawling all over it.” Conner went on to say that, statistically speaking, your hopes of achieving a life that is even half as prosperous and rewarding as a 26-year-old unemployed virgin’s are essentially nonexistent, and therefore you might as [...]

Police find Aaron Hernandez murder weapon beneath Vince Wilfork’s left breast

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. – According to reports, Massachusetts police have recovered the weapon allegedly used by Aaron Hernandez in the June murder of Odin Lloyd. Sources say that the .45-caliber pistol was found buried beneath the left breast of Patriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork. Earlier in the week, investigators scoured the bottom of a murky lake located near the murder site, failing to uncover anything useful. They were only alerted to the weapon’s actual location when another man arrested in connection with the case disclosed the information during interrogation. “At this time we can positively confirm that the murder weapon has been found and will now be examined by a team of forensic specialists,” stated a spokesman from the Bristol County Police Department. “We owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to the brave men and women who risked their lives to recover the weapon, and we trust that their heroic efforts will help bring Aaron Hernandez to justice.” Wilfork was pulled from drills during training camp Friday morning and escorted to [...]

‘SI Kids’ scores grisly tell-all interview with Aaron Hernandez

NEW YORK – Sports Illustrated Kids announced Tuesday that the publication had secured the first public interview with disgraced tight end Aaron Hernandez since he was arrested in June on murder charges. Described as a “grisly, tell-all look inside the former Patriot’s twisted mind,” the interview will debut exclusively in the magazine’s print edition later this week. “Aaron told us that he had a lot of psychological issues rooted in his childhood, so he wanted to share his story through a children’s publication so that the kids might potentially see some of the warning signs in their own lives,” explained SI Kids editor-in-chief Brad Pielet. “Definitely a little different than the stories we usually run, but we just couldn’t pass on the opportunity.” In the interview, which took place over the weekend, Hernandez spoke though prison bars to nine-year-old junior reporter Dylan Sween, addressing his personal demons in sobering detail for over three hours. Defying the wishes of his legal team, Hernandez gave Sween a horrifying minute-by-minute account of the [...]

Nation briefly stops complaining about stupidity of royal baby coverage to check out latest Tim Tebow gossip

According to reports, millions of Americans briefly stopped complaining about the stupidity of the royal baby coverage on Monday in order to check out the latest gossip concerning New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow. After spending the majority of the day venting about how news outlets should be covering the stories that truly matter instead of needlessly sensationalizing some dumb baby whose actions bear no real consequence on the daily life of Americans, the majority of the U.S.’s citizens were eager to take a break and get the scoop on all the juiciest Tebow rumors spreading across the Web. “It’s so pathetic how every day countless acts of violence and corruption go entirely unreported in this country, and yet when some irrelevant British lady’s water breaks, all the major news networks are there giving breathless play-by-play on her dilating cervix,” scowled millions upon millions of Americans before excusing themselves to see exclusive TMZ footage of Tebow having coffee with an unidentified mystery woman. “This country needs to get its priorities [...]

Aaron Hernandez uses allotted phone call to accept offer from Lions

NORTH ATTLEBOROUGH, Mass. – Shortly after being arrested and consequently released by the New England Patriots, Pro Bowl tight end Aaron Hernandez elected to use his one allotted phone call at the North Attleborough police station to field a contract offer from the Detroit Lions. Hernandez had heard that the team had garnered interest in his talents in light of his alleged involvement in the murder of an acquaintance, and this is likely what prompted him to reach out to the Lions from his jail cell. According to sources, Hernandez verbally agreed to a three-year contract with the team, reportedly worth upwards of $10 million. Lions GM Martin Mayhew confirmed as much Wednesday morning, acknowledging that Hernandez would be suiting up for team training sessions as soon as he posted bail. “Aaron’s just a spectacular fit for this organization, a guy who’s got that criminal’s instinct—that willingness to risk it all—that makes him go the extra mile out on the football field,” stated Mayhew. “My only regret is that he [...]

Aaron Hernandez tragically misconstrues Rob Gronkowski’s advice to take some shots

FOXBOROUGH, MASS. – According to investigators, Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez tragically misconstrued a piece of advice from teammate Rob Gronkowski that possibly led to the death of 27-year-old Odin Lloyd. Police reports say that the two players were at a nightclub in Boston over the weekend when Gronkowski, shirtless and wearing a pair of glow-in-the-dark sunglasses, loudly exclaimed that the pair should take some shots. Hernandez was reportedly so intoxicated from the 25 previous rounds of shots that Gronkowski had ordered that he gravely misunderstood the instructions and staggered out to his car, where he kept a gun for personal protection. He took the gun from the glove box, blasted LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” from the car’s speakers, and proceeded to aimlessly fire six rounds at nothing in particular while singing, “AARON ROCK IS IN THE HOUSSSSSE TONIGHT, SHOOTING GUNS MAKES FOR A REALLY GOOD TIIIIIIIMMMMME.” According to witnesses, one of the bullets then struck and killed Lloyd, who was innocently walking to a nearby McDonald’s for a late-night [...]

Patriots sign Tim Tebow as a hybrid quarterback-mascot

A few days ago, the New England Patriots released third-string quarterback Mike Kafka. Yesterday, the team fired the man who dressed for games as Pat Patriot, the team mascot. And today, the team filled both needs with a single player. The New England Patriots announced they have signed free agent quarterback Tim Tebow and intend to use him as a hybrid quarterback-mascot, according to coach Bill Belichick. “I’ve said over and over, I admire three things about Tim Tebow — his versatility, his intelligence, and his character,” Belichick said. “Coincidentally, those are the same three things I’ve admired about Pat Patriot. The second we lost Pat, I knew we had to sign Tim.” Tebow is expected to report to minicamp on Tuesday, where he’ll be reunited with former Broncos head coach and current Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels. He will also meet with Patriots head cheerleaders Alexandria, Allyson and Amber, where he’ll review team chants and cheer protocol. “Tim is known throughout the league as a model teammate, a great [...]

Bill Belichick silently cleans knife on sweatshirt for duration of sideline interview

MIAMI – After the Patriots clinched their fourth-straight AFC East title with an unimpressive win over the Dolphins Sunday, head coach Bill Belichick gave a troubling on-field interview to local CBS reporter Michele Magnuson. As his players trickled off to the locker room to celebrate, the 60-year-old silently seethed and cleaned a 12-inch fixed-blade hunting knife on the pocket of his sweatshirt, blatantly ignoring the questions Magnuson posed. Appearing possessed, with his eyes fiercely locked on the camera, he gripped the knife tighter and tighter with each new question. “Coach? Are you listening to me? Hello?” asked Magnuson after he ignored her third straight question about quarterback Tom Brady’s inefficient performance. It could not be determined what the exact substance was that Belichick was cleaning from the knife, or why he would be carrying a knife in the first place, but it certainly wasn’t the first time the coach has exhibited grim behavior on the sideline. Notorious for his severe, joyless demeanor, Belichick rarely takes any outward satisfaction in his [...]

Rob Gronkowski wishes there were way to end phone calls other than spiking phone

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. – New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski can be accused of being many things—a party animal, a meathead, a physical freak of nature—but inventive isn’t one of them. Yet the 23-year-old Pro Bowler claims he does, in fact, have an innovative side, and he’s trying to prove it by devising a method for ending phone calls that doesn’t require spiking the phone on the ground. “There’s gotta be some sort of way to rig a cellphone to where you can hang up without spiking it triumphantly on the asphalt,” mused Gronkowski, who goes through 60-80 iPhones a year due to his habit of spiking them to conclude conversations. “Maybe some sort of website where you can indicate that you’re done with the call and the phone company can suspend the service, or maybe something as simple as a button or a lever.” Sitting in his sparse Foxborough condo wearing frayed cargo shorts and a YO SOY FIESTA T-shirt, Gronkowski spent Tuesday morning jotting down ideas for his [...]