Tags archives: nba

Derrick Rose determined to return quickly from torn meniscus, find out what meniscus is

In his first public comments since the Chicago Bulls announced he would miss the entire 2013-14 season after undergoing surgery to repair a torn medial meniscus in his right knee, all-star point guard Derrick Rose vowed to work as hard as he could to return from his latest injury and to find out what exactly a meniscus is as soon as possible. “Obviously dealing with another setback this bad is very frustrating for me,” Rose said, as he flipped through a human anatomy textbook. “Fortunately I’ve been through this before, and I will have plenty of time to heal from this injury and figure out what that thing in my knee that hurts is. It starts with an M, that much I know for sure.” “It’s been so long since I took my SATs, it’s crazy how quickly you forget this stuff,” Rose added. “I think I did pretty well on the anatomy section too. How ironic. Right? That’s what that word means? The section with the words and letters [...]

Michael Carter-Williams wondering why Sixers GM keeps trying to squash him with anvil

Michael Carter-Williams worried he would lose minutes to more experienced veterans as a rookie for the Philadelphia 76ers. But after a stellar early-season performance netted him NBA Player of the Week honors and victories over the Heat and Bulls and , he’s no longer looking over his shoulder. Except for when he’s avoiding the giant anvil someone keeps trying to drop on him. Over the course of the last week, Carter-Williams has narrowly avoided being crushed by a giant falling anvil at the Sixers practice facility three times. While no one has been officially blamed for the near-accidents, many suspect Sixers GM Sam Hinkie, who has allegedly been going to great lengths to ensure Carter-Williams’ stellar play does not derail the team’s plan of tanking the regular season in order to secure a top-3 pick in the loaded 2014 draft. Carter-Williams, to his credit, strongly defended his GM. “The reports out there about Sam trying to hurt me are a bunch of bull,” Carter-Williams said. “Sam has been like a [...]

Lob City files for bankruptcy after loss to Lakers

Following an embarrassing 116-103 season-opening loss to the crosstown Los Angeles Lakers, the acting government of Lob City filed for Chapter 9 municipal bankruptcy, citing an unsustainable demand for oops and slams that has left the city overextended and deeply in debt. The bankruptcy came as a shock to some, as Lob City’s product — though sometimes volatile — seemed to stabilize after a disappointing 4th quarter performance last year. But with hundreds of millions invested in long-term assets, Lob City was forced to borrow against interest in their YouTube compilations — generally considered a dangerous move by financial analysts, especially with Lob City balance sheets showed significant major losses. “Lob City’s revenue base is unique among NBA cities, as its revenue is directly tied to the performance of the Lakers,” said NBA analyst Zach Lowe. “With Lob City taking such a beating at the hands of their crosstown rivals, residents of Lob City will soon be moving back to Los Angeles.” “Fewer residents means a smaller tax base, just [...]

Miami Heat fans upset no one told them city had undefeated football team until now

MIAMI – Fans of the Miami Heat were outraged Monday upon hearing that not only did Miami have a football team, but an undefeated one at that. The notorious fair-weather fans, many of whom heard news of the Dolphins’ 3-0 start through coworkers, were deeply upset to learn that no one had told them about the football team until now. “Wait, so Miami has a good football team, too?” asked Heat fan David Young, who in recent years has mostly considered himself a fan of the Patriots, and more recently the Ravens. “Why didn’t I know about that? I could’ve been cheering for them all along!” Many of the fans, still riding the high of the Heat’s second consecutive championship, immediately swore their allegiance to the Dolphins upon hearing of their recent success. “I only found out the Dolphins existed a couple hours ago, but already I feel like I’m pretty much the biggest Dolphins fan on the planet,” boasted Tyler Metzger, who had already ordered a customized LeBron James-Ryan [...]

Chris Kaman acquired by zoo

LOS ANGELES – NBA center Chris Kaman was acquired by an area zoo Friday after the Lakers agreed to part with him for an undisclosed cash sum. The seven-footer was picked up by the Santa Ana Zoo in hopes that he would help anchor the park’s popular Amazon’s Edge rainforest exhibit, utilizing his strange, monster-like appearance to attract curious tourists. “We’re very excited to welcome Chris to our facilities, and we expect that his veteran presence will bring some much-needed cohesion to our primate family,” stated zoo curator Keith Maakestad. “There’s already an enormous amount of buzz among our visitors—they’re wondering if he’s a sasquatch, or perhaps some sort of ape with leukemia. Folks are absolutely captivated!” Kaman, whose player reputation has been declining in recent years, will now suddenly find himself in a starring role that staying in the NBA couldn’t have facilitated. It is expected that the 31-year-old will wow tourists with his ball-handling skills, running simple pick-and-rolls with some of the zoo’s gorillas using a coconut as [...]