Tags archives: monday-night-football

Area man more likely to watch ESPN's Monday Night Countdown after learning it's Served by Applebee's

ASHEVILLE, NC — While surfing channels waiting for tonight’s Monday Night Football matchup between the Carolina Panthers and New England Patriots, local man Barry Sutton settled on ESPN’s Monday Night Countdown, largely because the program is Served by Applebee’s™. “Woah, the ‘Bee’s™ is servin’ up some tasty football insight?” Sutton said, sitting up from his couch and knocking aside his Car Side to Go™ box, containing remnants of last night’s 2 for $20 Meal Deal.™ “That’s a hell of a restaurant, hell of a restaurant. Guess those jokers at ESPN finally got something right.” Sutton, who usually listens to sports talk radio instead of watching ESPN before Panthers games because he believes in “supporting local small businesses,” was nevertheless swayed by Applebee’s™ ringing endorsement. “I know Applebee’s™ is nationwide, but they’ve always made sure I’m Eating Good in the Neighborhood™, you know?” Sutton said, pausing to reheat some Crunchy Onion Rings™ from last night’s trip to Applebee’s™. “I can put down a whole 2 for $20 Meal Deal™ by myself, and my [...]

Report: 70% of Monday Night Football viewers already watching Storage Wars rerun instead

A majority of viewers who tuned in to  ESPN’s Monday Night Football broadcast between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants have already changed the channel a mere fourteen minutes into the broadcast, according to instant viewer data provided by Nielsen. According to Nielsen, 69.53% of viewers who had their televisions tuned to ESPN at 8:30 switched to a rerun of A&E’s Storage Wars by 8:44, while an additional 22.84% chose to watch a rerun of Family Guy on TBS in which protagonist Peter Griffin writes a series of erotic novels. George Nelson, a marketing analyst from Dallas, Texas, said he was “shocked” ESPN had chosen to air tonight’s game instead of potentially more popular fare, such as bowling or bull riding. “Every Monday night, I sit down with a can of Bud Light, a bowl of Doritos, and I watch football,” Nelson said. “But not tonight. I’m not going to reward ESPN with my viewership if they’re going to punish us with such terrible matchups.” Nelson then proceeded to watch [...]

‘It’s the fourth quarter and we still have no idea whose pantsless toddler this is,’ report Buffalo Wild Wings patrons

PHOENIX – With the fourth quarter underway in the “Monday Night Football” showdown between the Arizona Cardinals and San Francisco 49ers, patrons at an area Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant have reported that it is unclear whose pantsless toddler has been running around the restaurant without supervision for the first 50 minutes of the game. The toddler, wearing an oversized Jeff Gordon T-shirt, a faint Kool-Aid mustache, and absolutely no pants whatsoever, has been charging around the popular sports bar with a seemingly endless reserve of energy and little to no regard for the enjoyment of other patrons. “If that were my kid, I already would’ve whupped the crap out of him,” sneered 53-year-old Glenda Anderson, a Cardinals fan. “Don’t he know we’re all tryin’ to get drunk and watch the game?” The toddler, who shed his diaper at some point during halftime, has been screaming louder and louder as the game has progressed, distracting diners from their Jammin’ Jalapeno wings and overpriced domestic drafts. Restaurant employees have been trying to [...]