Tags archives: mike-napoli

Daniel Nava admits beard was artificially enhanced after testing positive for Rogaine

In a shocking revelation that calls into question the legitimacy of the 2013 Boston Red Sox World Series win, the Boston Globe reported today that outfielder Daniel Nava tested positive for the hair-growth supplement Minoxidil — commonly known as Rogaine — to artificially enhance his beard. At a hastily arranged press conference, Nava showed contrition for his actions, and asked for forgiveness from Red Sox Nation. “I’ve always done everything I can to help my team, but I realize now that I made a grave mistake in pursuit of a World Series win,” said a clean-shaven Nava. “I am truly sorry, and hope that my actions do not taint the incredible beards of my teammates, who worked so hard all season to craft their winning whiskers.” Sincere as Nava’s apology may have been, the reaction from the Boston media was swift and unsympathetic. “FARCIAL HAIR” screamed the headline from the Boston Herald, while the Boston Globe opted for “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow”. “Just as the Beantown Boys’ 2004 and 2007 [...]

Attention-starved Brian Wilson shaves Mike Napoli’s beard in jealous rage

When Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli awoke in the middle of the night, he knew something was wrong. It wasn’t the previous night’s 4-2 loss to the Cardinals. It wasn’t the phone ringing — apparently Dunkin Donuts and Old Spice would resume their nonstop endorsement requests in the morning. It wasn’t even the strange man standing over his bed with a razor in his hand. It was his face. It was cold. As it turns out, Napoli had fallen victim to Dodgers relief pitcher and human meme Brian Wilson, who, in a fit of jealous rage, broke into Napoli’s hotel room and shaved the slugger’s much-beloved beard, hoping to bring media attention back to his own outlandish facial hair. Though his lawyers repeatedly advised him against talking to the press, Wilson was unable to contain himself once a microphone was present. “Ladies and gentlemen, I have just one thing to say: EPIC PRANK!” said Wilson, whose beard appeared to have bits of Napoli’s glued to it so as to [...]

Dugout phone beats Mike Napoli on three straight strikes

BALTIMORE – Jaws dropped all across baseball Saturday when David Ortiz, in response to a questionable called strike, angrily demolished the visiting dugout phone with three vicious swings of his bat. Yet on Sunday, phones got their revenge on the Red Sox, when first baseman Mike Napoli made his own furious attempt to smash a dugout phone but ended up striking out on three straight whiffs. Enraged after being called out on strikes during the fourth inning of Sunday’s game against the Orioles, Napoli bitterly stormed back to the dugout with his eyes set on repeating Ortiz’s destructive feat from the night before. But with the second most strikeouts in all of baseball, contact doesn’t come easy for Napoli, and the 31-year-old’s wild swings came no where close. After three failed attempts, he was tossed from the game, and he then shamefully retired to the locker room. There, still enraged, he attempted to punch through the drywall but missed by several feet and incapacitated an elderly custodian. His coaches were [...]

Tim Tebow leads all players in MLB All-Star fan voting

Major League Baseball reported today that New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow is the current leading vote-getter among all players for the 84th MLB All-Star Game, with nearly 2.5 million write-in votes at first base in the American League. Tebow’s 2,493,372 appears to be big enough that he is a shoo-in starter for the July 16 game at Citi Field, easily leading Baltimore Orioles first baseman Chris Davis (1,176,016 votes), Detroit Tigers slugger Prince Fielder (1,058,371) and Boston Red Sox converted catcher Mike Napoli (489,483). While the lead is a very convincing one for Tebow, there may be some obstacles for Tebow to hurdle before he can suit up for the American League — namely that he is not a member of Major League Baseball. But Commissioner Bud Selig, who has struggled to make All-Star-Weekend relevant in previous years, seems to have no issue with Tebow potentially playing. “Major League Baseball believes strongly that fan input is the most important factor when determining All-Star lineups,” Selig said. “The fact that [...]