Tags archives: miami-dolphins

NFL honors Veterans by refraining from comparing football to war for 24 hours

TAMPA, FL — The NFL and NFLPA continued its long history of honoring veterans and active duty members of the military today by pledging to refrain from hyperbolically comparing football to war for 24 hours on Veterans Day, according to a press release. Along with wearing commemorative hats, gloves, and using camouflage Gatorade towels on the sideline, coaches and players will not refer to rallying the troops, doing battle, going to war, fighting it out in the trenches, or use any other euphemism that suggests grown men playing a sport for millions of dollars can be compared in any way to the men and women who have seen active duty in the United States Military. Greg Schiano, the fiery coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, admitted he was struggling to find the right words to motivate his 0-8 team without relying on well-worn war tropes. “Come on guys, we’ve gotta go out there and play our game, we’ve gotta battle– no wait, dammit,” Schiano said, as he crossed a line [...]

Richie Incognito claims controversial voicemail was meant for friend named Jonathan Hafnegger

In his first substantive comments since being suspended indefinitely by the Miami Dolphins for allegedly bullying teammate Jonathan Martin, Richie Incognito claimed he dialed the wrong number when he left a threatening, racist voicemail for Martin, instead intending to leave a message for his good friend Jonathan Hafnegger. “Though I am deeply sorry for the hurt I have caused my teammate Jonathan Martin with my message, the fact is that I accidentally called the wrong Jon in my phone,” said Incognito, adding that his overly large hands left him especially prone to misdials. “Jon H and Jon M are right next to each other, so I’ve made that mistake a million times. I think I sent Martin a bunch of texts meant for Hafnegger too, actually.” Incognito also said the highly scrutinized parts of the voicemail where he said he would “[defecate] in your [dang] mouth,” threatened to “slap your mother across the face,” and called the listener a “[Hafnegger] piece of [excrement],” were inside jokes that only Hafnegger would [...]

Miami Heat fans upset no one told them city had undefeated football team until now

MIAMI – Fans of the Miami Heat were outraged Monday upon hearing that not only did Miami have a football team, but an undefeated one at that. The notorious fair-weather fans, many of whom heard news of the Dolphins’ 3-0 start through coworkers, were deeply upset to learn that no one had told them about the football team until now. “Wait, so Miami has a good football team, too?” asked Heat fan David Young, who in recent years has mostly considered himself a fan of the Patriots, and more recently the Ravens. “Why didn’t I know about that? I could’ve been cheering for them all along!” Many of the fans, still riding the high of the Heat’s second consecutive championship, immediately swore their allegiance to the Dolphins upon hearing of their recent success. “I only found out the Dolphins existed a couple hours ago, but already I feel like I’m pretty much the biggest Dolphins fan on the planet,” boasted Tyler Metzger, who had already ordered a customized LeBron James-Ryan [...]

Miami fans excited to see what other great sports teams city has to offer

MIAMI – As thousands of Miami residents flooded into the streets Thursday night to celebrate the Heat’s second consecutive NBA championship, many expressed their intention to defy the city’s “bandwagon” reputation and start cheering for the other local sports teams, as well. “This is one of the most fun nights of my life!” hollered 25-year-old Eduardo Castillo, who only pays attention to sports when the Heat are in the NBA Finals. “If this is what it feels like to be a supportive hometown fan, then starting tomorrow I will become a committed diehard to every other sports team in the city!” With champagne bottles popping and confetti raining from the sky, the consensus echoing among locals was that cheering for a sports team was one of the most rewarding experiences possible and that they would dedicate themselves to making it part of their lifestyle 365 days a year—not just the final climactic minutes before a team clinches a championship. “You forget how much sports can bring people together and make [...]

Bill Belichick silently cleans knife on sweatshirt for duration of sideline interview

MIAMI – After the Patriots clinched their fourth-straight AFC East title with an unimpressive win over the Dolphins Sunday, head coach Bill Belichick gave a troubling on-field interview to local CBS reporter Michele Magnuson. As his players trickled off to the locker room to celebrate, the 60-year-old silently seethed and cleaned a 12-inch fixed-blade hunting knife on the pocket of his sweatshirt, blatantly ignoring the questions Magnuson posed. Appearing possessed, with his eyes fiercely locked on the camera, he gripped the knife tighter and tighter with each new question. “Coach? Are you listening to me? Hello?” asked Magnuson after he ignored her third straight question about quarterback Tom Brady’s inefficient performance. It could not be determined what the exact substance was that Belichick was cleaning from the knife, or why he would be carrying a knife in the first place, but it certainly wasn’t the first time the coach has exhibited grim behavior on the sideline. Notorious for his severe, joyless demeanor, Belichick rarely takes any outward satisfaction in his [...]

Chad Johnson books recurring role on “COPS” reality show

MIAMI, FL – Chad Johnson, formerly Ochocino, has had an embarrassing and despicable month, having been arrested on domestic violence charges and consequently released by the Miami Dolphins. The controversial wide receiver’s August only got worse when VH1 announced that they were pulling the plug on a forthcoming reality show starring Johnson and his wife, Evelyn Lozada. But things might be looking up for the 34-year-old former all-star, as his agent has confirmed that the FOX reality show COPS has booked Johnson to star in an undisclosed number of episodes in coming seasons. COPS, which follows the activities of police officers in crime-heavy cities, would ostensibly take footage of Johnson battering important women in his life—or simply those who are physically weaker than him—and then film the ensuing scenes of him getting arrested and taken to jail. “Chad is an erratic, compelling character, and we know we can count on him to deliver the kinds of deplorable behavior our viewers appreciate most,” said FOX Executive Vice President of Programming Bill [...]