They say the best defense is a good offense, but I’m not sure this qualifies. Then again, the Grizzlies did go on to defeat the Clippers, 106-102, so maybe there’s something to the mid-air martial arts attack after all.
Following an embarrassing 116-103 season-opening loss to the crosstown Los Angeles Lakers, the acting government of Lob City filed for Chapter 9 municipal bankruptcy, citing an unsustainable demand for oops and slams that has left the city overextended and deeply in debt. The bankruptcy came as a shock to some, as Lob City’s product — though sometimes volatile — seemed to stabilize after a disappointing 4th quarter performance last year. But with hundreds of millions invested in long-term assets, Lob City was forced to borrow against interest in their YouTube compilations — generally considered a dangerous move by financial analysts, especially with Lob City balance sheets showed significant major losses. “Lob City’s revenue base is unique among NBA cities, as its revenue is directly tied to the performance of the Lakers,” said NBA analyst Zach Lowe. “With Lob City taking such a beating at the hands of their crosstown rivals, residents of Lob City will soon be moving back to Los Angeles.” “Fewer residents means a smaller tax base, just [...]
LOS ANGELES – Following news that NBA free agent Lamar Odom had allegedly disappeared on a 72-hour crack binge, numerous mental health experts came forward insisting that the former Laker’s behavior was a “perfectly healthy” response to living with a Kardashian. Experts say that Odom, who is married to reality TV star Khloe Kardashian, is actually handling the situation maturely, noting that others in similar circumstances could be expected to act far more erratically. “While I wouldn’t typically recommend crack cocaine use to my patients, in a case as extreme as Lamar’s, that might literally be the only substance strong enough to make life bearable,” said renowned psychiatrist Dr. Jessica Ringenberg. “Kardashians can very easily get under your skin with their irritating personalities, similar to how crack can create the delusion of parasites crawling beneath one’s skin. So Lamar isn’t using crack as an escape from his marriage but rather as a far more tolerable substitute.” Ringenberg also noted that a crack addiction and a marriage to a Kardashian are [...]
You read that correctly. The little dingus is growing up.
Dr. Drain, you lucky bastard.
LOS ANGELES – The Clippers have agreed to a three year, $21 million deal with former Celtics coach Doc Rivers, marking the highest profile acquisition to date for the team since point guard Chris Paul assumed full duties of the general manager position. Feedback has been overwhelmingly positive for Paul, who in recent months made strong free agent signings for the team and fired third-year coach Vinny Del Negro. Negotiations to acquire Rivers initially indicated a trade involving multiple draft picks and top-heavy contracts, but sources say Paul was able to shrewdly minimize the Clippers’ end of the bargain to a single draft pick in 2015. “I am pleased to announced that I’ve successfully brokered a deal to welcome Doc Rivers into our organization,” Paul announced at a press conference Monday morning. “I trust that he’ll be a valuable asset for the franchise for years to come, and I look forward to taking him under my wing to assure that he makes a smooth transition into the Clippers family.” Paul [...]
LOS ANGELES – Though he’d typically be in bitter spirits following a 109-95 loss, Lakers star Kobe Bryant was all smiles Sunday afternoon, boasting to the media about Los Angeles winning yet another Pacific Division championship. “That was a tough loss, without question, but I’m celebrating the fact that the Pacific Division title is staying in LA for the sixth straight season,” cheered Bryant, passing out bottles of champagne to his teammates. “Blake, CP3, and those guys, they’re great competitors, but they just don’t have what it takes to steal the title from the city of Los Angeles.” Despite the fact that no one else on the Lakers seemed like they were in the mood for rejoicing, Bryant hollered joyfully and sprayed bubbly all over the locker room walls, eventually pouring a bottle over his own head while singing an a cappella rendition of “We Are the Champions.” “This is a dynasty, baby, Hoops City!” Bryant shouted, lighting up a victory cigar. “People said we were a laughingstock, but they [...]
Dying 8-year-old begs Lob City councilmen to use some of alley-oop budget to build children’s hospital
LOB CITY – At a meeting of the Lob City Council Thursday night, terminally ill 8-year-old Jack Wolcott pleaded with the councilmen to consider allocating some of the city’s alley-oop budget towards building a children’s hospital. Wolcott, who suffers from acute lymphoblastic leukemia, scooted his wheelchair up to the microphone and issued a compelling argument for why the city should reconsider its basketball-centric economy. “If we want Lob City’s proud heritage of spectacular alley-oops to continue, then we must provide care for the next generation of hoopsters,” stammered Wolcott, pausing briefly to cough up blood. “But if we don’t have a children’s hospital, that simply won’t be possible, because all of us will be dead. Though it’s the nation’s leading exporter of jaw-dropping slam-dunks, Lob City has invested minimally in healthcare, infrastructure, and education. The city devotes 99.5 percent of its annual budget to alley-oops, with the remaining .5 percent going towards road maintenance and miscellaneous basketball supplies. Accordingly, the city’s unemployment rate hovers near 100 percent, as the only [...]
LOS ANGELES – In the latest installment of NBA star Blake Griffin’s Kia commercial series in which he travels back in time to offer advice to his childhood self, Griffin once again completely neglected to kill Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler. Despite being given unlimited access to a time-travelling Kia Optima for the past four months, Griffin has made no attempt to prevent the systematic murder of six million Jews, causing many to question his moral judgment. The newest commercial features Griffin travelling back to 2006, where he encourages his younger self to stay committed to his weightlifting regimen. Though mildly amusing, Griffin appears minimally concerned with the millions of Eastern Europeans whose survival could be guaranteed should he choose to intervene. In response to a petition signed by hundreds of Holocaust survivors demanding action on Griffin’s behalf, Kia Motors president Hank Lee revealed no plans for averting the course of history. “While we honor those whose lives were ended at Hitler’s behest, our current corporate strategy does not involve sending [...]