Tags archives: football

NBC pulls confusing ads promoting next Sunday’s Manning II -- RG III III matchup

Following the successful promotion of last night’s Denver Broncos – New England Patriots matchup as Manning — Brady XIV, NBC executives were quick to promote next week’s Sunday Night Football game between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins using the same roman numeral format, underscoring the Super Bowl-level importance of the game. However, only hours after debuting a new campaign centered around star quarterbacks Eli Manning and Robert Griffin III, NBC decided to pull the ads — which billed the game as Manning II — RG III III — after realizing how confusing they were to viewers. “Last night’s Manning — Brady XIV was a modern classic — maybe the most exciting game of football this year,” said NBC Sports executive producer Sam Flood. “As such, we at NBC felt compelled to ‘keep a good thing going’ with next week’s great NFC East matchup between two longtime rivals. Unfortunately, the fine folks in creative at NBC failed to realize how difficult that would be with two quarterbacks who need [...]

Tank Johnson decommissioned by U.S. military

Over two years after his release from the Cincinnati Bengals, the United States military announced today that they had officially decommissioned former defensive tackle Tank Johnson, saying the NFL deserved a leaner, more efficient model fit for today’s gridiron battles. Following in the large tracks of the Tank Destroyer, The 2004 Tank Johnson (Model DT-95) was renowned for its large but mobile build and gaudy appearance. Though the military faced scrutiny after it was revealed Johnson had been outfitted with illegally obtained assault rifles and 37mm tank guns, Coordinators of Defense across the NFL couldn’t resist Tank’s potential for lethal destruction. “On paper, Tank Johnson was built from the blueprints of success,” said military spokesman Lenny Howard. “But much like the federal budget, the DT-95 was ultimately a bloated nuisance that caused more trouble than it was worth.” Coming out of Washington, Johnson’s extra large chassis could cover 40 yards in under 4.7 seconds, and was a favorite of defense contractors for its raw power and explosiveness. However, after multiple [...]

Richie Incognito claims controversial voicemail was meant for friend named Jonathan Hafnegger

In his first substantive comments since being suspended indefinitely by the Miami Dolphins for allegedly bullying teammate Jonathan Martin, Richie Incognito claimed he dialed the wrong number when he left a threatening, racist voicemail for Martin, instead intending to leave a message for his good friend Jonathan Hafnegger. “Though I am deeply sorry for the hurt I have caused my teammate Jonathan Martin with my message, the fact is that I accidentally called the wrong Jon in my phone,” said Incognito, adding that his overly large hands left him especially prone to misdials. “Jon H and Jon M are right next to each other, so I’ve made that mistake a million times. I think I sent Martin a bunch of texts meant for Hafnegger too, actually.” Incognito also said the highly scrutinized parts of the voicemail where he said he would “[defecate] in your [dang] mouth,” threatened to “slap your mother across the face,” and called the listener a “[Hafnegger] piece of [excrement],” were inside jokes that only Hafnegger would [...]

Report: 70% of Monday Night Football viewers already watching Storage Wars rerun instead

A majority of viewers who tuned in to  ESPN’s Monday Night Football broadcast between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants have already changed the channel a mere fourteen minutes into the broadcast, according to instant viewer data provided by Nielsen. According to Nielsen, 69.53% of viewers who had their televisions tuned to ESPN at 8:30 switched to a rerun of A&E’s Storage Wars by 8:44, while an additional 22.84% chose to watch a rerun of Family Guy on TBS in which protagonist Peter Griffin writes a series of erotic novels. George Nelson, a marketing analyst from Dallas, Texas, said he was “shocked” ESPN had chosen to air tonight’s game instead of potentially more popular fare, such as bowling or bull riding. “Every Monday night, I sit down with a can of Bud Light, a bowl of Doritos, and I watch football,” Nelson said. “But not tonight. I’m not going to reward ESPN with my viewership if they’re going to punish us with such terrible matchups.” Nelson then proceeded to watch [...]

Ndomukong Suh fined $46,000 for tripping Roger Goodell

ALLEN PARK, Mich. – Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh was fined $46,000 today for tripping NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as they were leaving a disciplinary hearing, according to a press release from league offices. The trip, which occurred in front of several reporters awaiting comment on Suh’s latest fine for a hit on Cleveland Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden, was initially ruled unintentional. But after league officials reviewed the tape, they issued Suh yet another fine. In a clip obtained by TMZ, Suh appears to step in front of Goodell to hail a taxi, causing the commissioner to stumble slightly, but remain upright. Though Goodell quickly regained his composure, smiling and calling himself “a clumsy Clyde,” analysts believe Suh’s lack of apology to the commissioner may be the key reason NFL disciplinarians felt compelled to act. “When dealing with a repeat offender, the league tends to err on the side of player and commissioner safety,” said Vice President of Officiating Dean Blandino. “When we looked at the tape, there appeared [...]

Wisconsin man 'very upset' that girlfriend thinks Jay Cutler is hotter than Aaron Rodgers

BROOKFIELD, WI – Tempers flared in Wisconsin today when Brookfield resident Jennifer O’Riordan told boyfriend Ken Schulz she found Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler more attractive than Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, resulting in a two-hour argument and subsequent silent treatment from both parties. “Ken has a legitimate man crush on Aaron Rodgers,” O’Riordan said, citing several wall posters and the pristine condition of Schulz’s authentic game-worn Rodgers jersey as evidence. “Every week, he’s talking about the throws he makes, his leadership skills, his fun-loving attitude — he can’t get enough of the guy.” O’Riordan and Schulz’s argument began after Schulz pressed her for the tenth time that week about which NFL quarterback she thought was the hottest. After telling Schulz she “could barely tell with their helmets on,” O’Riordan reluctantly named Cutler, sending Schulz into a rage. Schulz defended his actions, insisting his girlfriend’s choice of Cutler was irrational, and that, as a heterosexual man, he believed Rodgers was the natural choice. “Look, I’m not gay or anything, [...]

"You won’t believe what happened to my fantasy team last night," reports nation’s obnoxious coworkers

OFFICE, USA – After reports surfaced Monday that there was uncertainty about how their week 7 fantasy matchup was going to end up, the nation’s obnoxious coworkers reported this morning that you wouldn’t believe what happened to their fantasy team last night, adding that it was “totally crazy.” “So going into Monday Night Football, I knew it was gonna be close,” said the coworkers, who were ahead or behind a certain number of points, as is the case in every fantasy football match ever. “I really needed a win this week, so I was hoping Philip Rivers would have it in him.” The coworkers added that they were playing their brother/cousin/girlfriend/former history professor, so they knew they’d never hear the end of it at the dinner table/family reunion/shared apartment/occasional business lunch if they lost. “So it’s the fourth quarter, and I’m on pins and needles,” the coworkers said, oblivious to the fact that no fellow colleague in the history of offices has ever cared about a fellow coworker’s fantasy team. [...]

Eli Manning quarantined as lethal outbreak of Manningface sweeps Chicago

Following last night’s disheartening 27-21 loss to the Chicago Bears, the New York Giants received more bad news: quarterback Eli Manning has been quarantined following the discovery of a city-wide outbreak of Manningface, a recently discovered neurological disease that can lead to temporary or permanent facial disfigurement. As reports from Bears fans who attended last night’s game came pouring in, Illinois state health officials set up a crisis center in the Soldier Field visiting locker room, where Manningface specialists are doing everything they can to save patients from the disease’s potentially irreversible effects. “We are advising all Illinois residents to stay home until we are absolutely certain this outbreak has been contained,” said Illinois Director of Public Health LaMar Hasbrouck. “We unfortunately know very little about Manningface — but what little we do know is disturbing.” According to the National Institute of Health, residents of Chicago should seek medical attention if they experience facial paralysis, especially if the paralysis makes them look “like a deer in the headlights. But, like, [...]

Browns still thinking Hoyer’s their best bet for Week 6

CLEVELAND – Undeterred by news that quarterback Brian Hoyer had suffered a torn ACL, members of the Cleveland Browns’ front office have reportedly agreed that Hoyer should still be their guy. According to sources, Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski met with owner Jimmy Haslam and GM Michael Lombardi early Friday morning to discuss the team’s quarterback situation, eventually arriving at the conclusion that an undrafted benchwarmer with a crippling ligament injury was still somehow their best bet moving forward. “What we need to keep in perspective is that this is a guy who won two games in a row for us. Two!” exclaimed Haslam. “I didn’t even know that was possible. Like, I’ve seen us win one game, then lose six games, and then win another game, but to win two games in a row, and then pave the way for a third win in a row? Torn ACL or not, this Hoyer kid could potentially carry us to a six- or even seven-win season!” Though the other men initially [...]