Tags archives: espn

Area man more likely to watch ESPN's Monday Night Countdown after learning it's Served by Applebee's

ASHEVILLE, NC — While surfing channels waiting for tonight’s Monday Night Football matchup between the Carolina Panthers and New England Patriots, local man Barry Sutton settled on ESPN’s Monday Night Countdown, largely because the program is Served by Applebee’s™. “Woah, the ‘Bee’s™ is servin’ up some tasty football insight?” Sutton said, sitting up from his couch and knocking aside his Car Side to Go™ box, containing remnants of last night’s 2 for $20 Meal Deal.™ “That’s a hell of a restaurant, hell of a restaurant. Guess those jokers at ESPN finally got something right.” Sutton, who usually listens to sports talk radio instead of watching ESPN before Panthers games because he believes in “supporting local small businesses,” was nevertheless swayed by Applebee’s™ ringing endorsement. “I know Applebee’s™ is nationwide, but they’ve always made sure I’m Eating Good in the Neighborhood™, you know?” Sutton said, pausing to reheat some Crunchy Onion Rings™ from last night’s trip to Applebee’s™. “I can put down a whole 2 for $20 Meal Deal™ by myself, and my [...]

NHL announces season started three weeks ago, thanks America for noticing

The National Hockey League issued a press release today stating that the 2013-14 NHL regular season started approximately three weeks ago, not like any of you dumb jerks noticed. The release, posted on the NHL’s website and authored by Commissioner Gary Bettman, reminded Americans and Canadians — but mostly Americans — that the league had kicked off another exciting season on October 2 with an electrifying matchup between two outstanding teams in the Chicago Blackhawks and Washington Capitals, in front of a near-sellout crowd and a television audience of thousands — yes, thousands. “I mean, come on, how did we not even break a million?” the release continued, “Do Americans have trouble finding channels on their television that aren’t ESPN? Our marquee game of the year, and 935,000 people watched it — and we nearly broke our all-time viewership record!” “Meanwhile 13.5 million of you mouth-breathing, one-sport watching Yankee jackoffs watched two of the worst teams in the NFL play 60 minutes of professional grab-ass. Where is the justice in [...]

Report: 70% of Monday Night Football viewers already watching Storage Wars rerun instead

A majority of viewers who tuned in to  ESPN’s Monday Night Football broadcast between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants have already changed the channel a mere fourteen minutes into the broadcast, according to instant viewer data provided by Nielsen. According to Nielsen, 69.53% of viewers who had their televisions tuned to ESPN at 8:30 switched to a rerun of A&E’s Storage Wars by 8:44, while an additional 22.84% chose to watch a rerun of Family Guy on TBS in which protagonist Peter Griffin writes a series of erotic novels. George Nelson, a marketing analyst from Dallas, Texas, said he was “shocked” ESPN had chosen to air tonight’s game instead of potentially more popular fare, such as bowling or bull riding. “Every Monday night, I sit down with a can of Bud Light, a bowl of Doritos, and I watch football,” Nelson said. “But not tonight. I’m not going to reward ESPN with my viewership if they’re going to punish us with such terrible matchups.” Nelson then proceeded to watch [...]

Matthew Berry Advises Readers To Take Michael Turner Early, Be Wary Of Andrew Luck, And Embrace Jihad Against The American Devils

BRISTOL, CT – As part of his annual list of insider tips, revered fantasy football expert Matthew Berry urged readers to draft Michael Turner early, be wary of Andrew Luck, and embrace jihad against the American infidel devils. The ESPN senior fantasy director urged his vast, trusting audience to question the conventional wisdom concerning the value of certain popular players like Calvin Johnson and Aaron Rodgers, and to also incite righteous violence against the Western non-believers. “I don’t believe that Andrew Luck is a bad quarterback, but his propensity towards interceptions still makes him a hazard in my opinion,” said Berry. “Certainly not a top 10 fantasy QB, but I suppose rankings like these won’t matter when we vanquish the enemy and implement Sharia law unto all nations, as is the divine will.” While Berry’s radical interpretations of player potential might’ve occasionally come across as surprising to many of his loyal readers, it was his radical interpretations of the Islamic faith that likely gave the most pause. Scattered between his [...]

ESPN.com commenters honored for their tireless documentation of things that are gay

BRISTOL, CT – In a private ceremony at ESPN’s Connecticut headquarters, the sports media corporation honored some of ESPN.com’s most persistent commenters for their tireless documentation of things that are gay. Speaking before the group of distinguished discussion contributors, ESPN president John Skipper offered his heartfelt thanks for their insightful feedback on the website’s columns and news articles. “When we started ESPN.com, we built the comments section in hopes that readers would engage in friendly, light-hearted banter and offer constructive opinions on the latest happenings in sports,” Skipper began. “Never did we expect to be inundated with so many intelligent and thought-provoking remarks about various athletes being ‘totally gay’ or our writers being ‘f***ing gaywads.’” The commenters, all of whom were between 16 and 24 years of age, mostly stared timidly at the ground for the duration of the presentation, many of them straddling their folding chairs uncomfortably due to their obese body proportions. Several of them had to get up and leave midway through the ceremony because their mothers [...]

JukeLeft looks into everything you can expect from the new Fox Sports 1 network

Last week, Fox Sports 1 made its national debut. Launched in an effort to become the U.S.’s premier sports entertainment destination, the bold little network is intent on proving itself as a worthy alternative to its colossal rival, ESPN. But since it’s still so new to the scene, not many people know what it has to offer. So after incessantly watching it over the past several days, we’ve taken the liberty to put together a comprehensive guide to all of Fox Sports 1’s exciting new programming. Here’s what you should expect: – An alternative to ESPN’s SportsCenter that’s tentatively titled It’s Pretty Much The Same Thing As SportsCenter But Hopefully A Little Less Douchey. – A weekly feature called Man vs. Machine, which pits Donovan McNabb against Cleatus the Fox Sports Robot in a series of debates featuring stale, computer-generated talking points and also contributions from Cleatus. – A daily talk show hosted by 81-year-old Regis Philbin that delivers all the latest news on hot topics like the Negro Leagues and advancements [...]

Nate Silver involuntarily taken under Stephen A. Smith’s wing

BRISTOL, CT – Just days after leaving the New York Times to become an analyst at ESPN, celebrated statistician Nate Silver has been involuntarily taken under the wing of ESPN First Take personality Stephen A. Smith. Upon arriving at the network’s Bristol, Connecticut, headquarters, Silver was immediately accosted by Smith, who challenged him to a shouting match to gauge his prowess as a sports commentator. When Silver politely declined, explaining that his sports analysis was driven by highly complex forecasting models, Smith scoffed and informed him that he would need a mentor to survive within the network’s competitive culture. “Listen, in my 20 years in this business, I have seen dozens of different numbers—8, 23, 15, 602, 74—and not a SINGLE one of them has ever beaten me in a sports argument,” boasted Smith. “Numbers ain’t going to get you anywhere in this business, but lucky for you, I’m going to show you the ropes so that maybe you can one day make a name for yourself.” Though Silver timidly [...]

The complete list of all the free stuff athletes scored in their ESPYs gift bags

Like most award shows, the ESPYs hooks its guests up with incredible gift bags at the end of the night. After all, you’re not gonna get dozens of high profile celebrities to fill your auditorium unless you give them a little somethin’ for their efforts. But while the Emmys and Grammys fill their gift bags with things like spa treatments, electronics, beauty products, and hotel packages, the ESPYs does things a little bit differently. Athletes don’t want the same kinds of things that normal people do. They want things that fit with their very unique lifestyles. Luckily, Johnny Manziel left the show blackout drunk last night and forgot to take his gift bag with him. So we at JukeLeft stuffed it under our tux jacket and safely smuggled it away. And after opening up, we discovered it was better than we could’ve ever imagined. Here’s a complete list of everything we found inside: – A gallon of clean, testable urine taken from drug-free virgin child – A Do-Her-Yourself Kardashian Kit, [...]

Eli Manning strips down to Blue's Clues underoos for ESPN’s ‘Body Issue’

NEW YORK – ESPN the Magazine unveiled its annual “Body Issue” on Tuesday, and perhaps the most surprising athlete to make an appearance is Giants quarterback Eli Manning. Unlike the other athletes featured, the two-time Super Bowl champ declined to go entirely nude, opting instead to wear what he described as his “Blue’s Clues underoos”—a pair of briefs patterned with images from the popular children’s show. Because the photo shoot was done at a poolside location, Manning also wore a colorful nose plug, which he insisted on wearing to protect him in the instance that he was splashed with water. “Don’t splash me or I’ll tell,” Manning warned the photo crew repeatedly. The 32-year-old Pro Bowler was reportedly extraordinarily uncomfortable throughout the duration of the photo shoot, having only agreed to it because he was told he could wear his birthday suit, which he understood to mean the Giants-themed onesie that he wears to Golden Corral every year on his birthday. When he arrived on set and realized this wasn’t [...]

SportsCenter to show hockey highlights as soon as this bowling coverage is done

Following a thrilling, triple-overtime win by the Chicago Blackhawks over the Boston Bruins in game one of the Stanley Cup Finals, SportsCenter anchor John Anderson promised viewers they would see highlights of all the amazing action as soon as ESPN concluded its bowling coverage. “I know a lot of viewers out there are tuning in after that epic, five-hour game in Chicago, and we will bring you highlights from that game VERY soon,” Anderson said, as SportsCenter wrapped up a 12-minute roundtable debate about whether Tim Tebow could play tight end in the New England Patriots offense. “All we have to do is play a couple more NBA highlights, hear Skip Bayless do a segment on how overrated LeBron James is, hear Stephen A. Smith’s take on Tebowmania, play ten minutes of US Men’s Soccer World Cup qualifier highlights, show this Outside the Lines story about the rise of bowling across the US thanks to ESPN playing PBA matches every weekend, and then we’ll see some hockey. Isn’t that right [...]

ESPN cuts hundreds of employees to facilitate 20-year, $485 million deal with Skip Bayless

Many wondered why ESPN downsized hundreds of employees last week despite yearly profits in the billions. As it turns out, the company was ensuring they had sufficient cash reserves to sign First Take anchor Skip Bayless to an eye-popping 20-year, $485 million extension, ensuring he will remain with the Worldwide Leader in Sports through 2033. “At ESPN, we believe our employees are our most valuable asset,” said ESPN president John Skipper, as dozens of downsized employees exited the building with their belongings. “And when you have an employee as valuable as Skip, you do everything in your power to reward his hard work.” “With Skip on board for the next 20 years, we are confident ESPN will continue to offer unparalleled coverage of everything sports-related for the foreseeable future,” Skipper added, before pausing to make sure long-time columnist Lynn Hoppes had turned in his keycard and employee ID. Skipper then attempted to play a video showing highlights of Bayless’s time on First Take but was unable to make the video [...]

NFL introduces new concussion-proof helmets based on Mel Kiper’s hair

BRISTOL, CT – Seeking to placate concerns over the long-term effects of head injuries, the NFL unveiled models today for a new, supposedly concussion-proof helmet modeled after ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair. “After years in the laboratory experimenting with hundreds of synthetic materials, we have finally replicated the rock-hard, flame-retardant formula that has kept Mr. Kiper’s hair immobile for decades,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “This is a game-changer.” Though league officials had long suspected the secret to a concussion-proof helmet lay in Kiper’s well-coiffed hairdo, attempts to unlock its secrets proved difficult. Officials asked fellow ESPN draft analyst Todd McShay to snag a few strands for laboratory analysis, but he was unable to do so, even when armed with a pair of sharpened garden shears while Kiper took a nap. “Scissors, a butcher knife, a flamethrower — I tried everything,” said McShay. “It defies the laws of nature and physics. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous.” After waking to McShay attempting to start a [...]

Dick Vitale to miss March Madness after puppeteer suffers injury

SARASOTA, Fla. – Just a day before the NCAA Mens’ Basketball Tournament kicks off, ESPN has announced that popular puppet character Dick Vitale will not be available to provide commentary due to a hand injury sustained by longtime puppeteer Bruce Lanoil. Vitale was scheduled to appear throughout the tournament alongside human play-by-play announcer Brad Nessler for the network’s international TV feed, but Lanoil’s injury now makes this impossible, as he’s responsible not only for Vitale’s movements but also his voice. “It’s really a shame,” sighed Lanoil. “I’ve been performing Dick’s character since his first broadcasts in the 70s, and I’ve never once had to cancel.” Vitale, beloved by fans for his small, melon-like head and constant cartoon-ish shouting, was built in an artist’s workshop in the mid 60s out of latex foam, sun-damaged leather, and tufts of dead moss that were repurposed as hair. His larger than life persona and memorable catchphrases have captivated basketball fans in such a way that many forget he’s a puppet altogether. Yet always strategically [...]