Tags archives: eli-manning

NBC pulls confusing ads promoting next Sunday’s Manning II -- RG III III matchup

Following the successful promotion of last night’s Denver Broncos – New England Patriots matchup as Manning — Brady XIV, NBC executives were quick to promote next week’s Sunday Night Football game between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins using the same roman numeral format, underscoring the Super Bowl-level importance of the game. However, only hours after debuting a new campaign centered around star quarterbacks Eli Manning and Robert Griffin III, NBC decided to pull the ads — which billed the game as Manning II — RG III III — after realizing how confusing they were to viewers. “Last night’s Manning — Brady XIV was a modern classic — maybe the most exciting game of football this year,” said NBC Sports executive producer Sam Flood. “As such, we at NBC felt compelled to ‘keep a good thing going’ with next week’s great NFC East matchup between two longtime rivals. Unfortunately, the fine folks in creative at NBC failed to realize how difficult that would be with two quarterbacks who need [...]

Eli Manning quarantined as lethal outbreak of Manningface sweeps Chicago

Following last night’s disheartening 27-21 loss to the Chicago Bears, the New York Giants received more bad news: quarterback Eli Manning has been quarantined following the discovery of a city-wide outbreak of Manningface, a recently discovered neurological disease that can lead to temporary or permanent facial disfigurement. As reports from Bears fans who attended last night’s game came pouring in, Illinois state health officials set up a crisis center in the Soldier Field visiting locker room, where Manningface specialists are doing everything they can to save patients from the disease’s potentially irreversible effects. “We are advising all Illinois residents to stay home until we are absolutely certain this outbreak has been contained,” said Illinois Director of Public Health LaMar Hasbrouck. “We unfortunately know very little about Manningface — but what little we do know is disturbing.” According to the National Institute of Health, residents of Chicago should seek medical attention if they experience facial paralysis, especially if the paralysis makes them look “like a deer in the headlights. But, like, [...]

Giants to fill holes in offensive line with premium fan seating

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – Hoping to make something good out of the team’s NFL-worst pass protection, the New York Giants announced Friday that they will begin offering premium seating for fans inside the holes in the offensive line. Marketed as Club Blitz, the seats, retailing at $4,000 per game, will allow fans to sit inside luxurious viewing pods situated in the spacious gaps created by the Giants’ offensive linemen. After each down, a series of overhead cables will lift the safety-reinforced pods and resituate them at the line of scrimmage. “We care very deeply for our fans, and realizing that this season is going to suck for them, we decided to create Club Blitz so that they might still get some satisfaction out of attending Giants games,” explained team president John Mara. “Life gave us lemons, so we figured we’d make lemonade before Eli Manning could throw them for an interception.” The team’s offensive line, while originally projected to be competent, is missing numerous veteran players to injury and is [...]

ESPN to air new Eli Manning documentary, 'The Coloring Book of Manning'

NEW YORK – In light of the success of The Book of Manning, ESPN announced Wednesday that they would be airing a follow-up to the documentary focused more specifically on Eli Manning, called The Coloring Book of Manning. The original documentary, which aired Tuesday, centered around Archie and Olivia Manning’s struggles to raise a family amidst a culture of football stardom. The Coloring Book of Manning, however, will explore Eli Manning’s experience as a small child living in a grown man’s body. “Sometimes I still tinkle on myself in bed because warm feelings are nice,” Eli says in a trailer for the documentary, which will air sometime late next month. “But after a while it gets cold and I just end up crying until I fall asleep.” Exposing some of his lesser known hardships, such as his misunderstandings of human reproduction, his hidden injuries, and his fiery temper issues, The Coloring Book of Manning reveals a tortured young quarterback whose long history of humiliation has deprived him of the respect [...]

Cooper Manning loses 39th consecutive Manning Bowl

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. – With one loss for each year of his hereditarily inferior life, Cooper Manning lost his 39th consecutive Manning Bowl Sunday, falling short of his younger brothers Peyton and Eli. The 39-year-old found himself unable to pose any substantial competition as his more athletically gifted brothers dueled back and forth on the field, leaving him relegated to the sidelines, where he engaged in a series of diversionary tactics that wholly failed to win the fans’—and his father’s—affections. “I just wish that somebody would pay attention to me,” sighed Cooper at a postgame press conference, before being shooed off stage to make room for his brothers. “Just because I’ve never won a Super Bowl doesn’t mean I’m not just as interesting as Peyton or Eli.” During the game itself, as millions of viewers watched the Giants and Broncos battle for supremacy, Cooper did everything he could to steal the show, including doing cannonballs in an inflatable swimming pool, playing “Hot Cross Buns” on his recorder, and pretending that [...]

The NFL’s Walter White: Peyton Manning is a secret drug lord

You read that headline correctly. Our investigative team has determined that Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is almost certainly a secret drug lord, living a hush-hush second life similar to that of Walter White on AMC’s Breaking Bad. Sound crazy? Yes, absolutely. But sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. News began circulating Wednesday that there was a popular strain of weed going around in Colorado called “Peyton Manning.” People seemed to get a good laugh out of seeing Manning’s face on a Schedule I substance, but no one seemed to realize that the weed probably indirectly generates a tremendous amount of income for him. As a sativa-dominant hybrid strain, the Peyton Manning marijuana is enormously potent in terms of stimulating appetite. It gives you the munchies, essentially. And there are few people in the world who profit more off snack-seeking stoners than Manning. Last year, two weeks before marijuana was legalized in Colorado, the 12-time Pro Bowler announced that he was opening 21 Papa John’s pizza locations in the [...]

Eli Manning throws record 7 tantrums before picking up his toys

NEW YORK – On the same night that his brother Peyton threw an NFL record seven touchdowns in a single game, Giants quarterback Eli Manning accomplished a similar feat, throwing a record seven temper tantrums before finally agreeing to pick up his toys. Manning started finding his rhythm shortly after dinner time, when his wife Abby told him that he needed to clean up his play area first if he wanted to watch the football game. “But I don’t wanna!” Eli complained, kicking his Angry Birds pillow in protest. “I just wanna play!” His wife then spanked his hand with a wooden spoon, causing Eli to erupt into his first tantrum of the evening. Unable to match on defense, Abby briefly left the room to compose herself, allowing Eli to happily resume the make-believe wedding between Stretch Armstrong and Baby Go Bye-Bye that he had started before dinner. Abby soon returned, however, and threatened that if Eli didn’t pick up his toys, she would take his Bubble Guppies for a [...]

Peyton Manning reassures tearful Eli that Bradley Manning isn't their brother

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – A tearful Eli Manning had to be comforted by his older brother Peyton on Wednesday in light of news that Army Pfc. Bradley Manning—the man responsible for leaking some 750,000 classified items to Wikileaks—had been sentenced to 35 years in prison for his crimes. The younger Manning was under the mistaken impression that the controversial whistleblower was his brother, despite having no evidence or memories to support such a belief. “Peyton! They got our brother! Bradley’s going to jail!” Eli sobbed to Peyton during an hour-long phone call earlier on Wednesday. “They caught him leaking army secrets to Wikipedia!” Peyton, well acquainted with Eli’s emotional outbursts, patiently tried to clarify to his brother that the Manning he had seen on the news wasn’t actually related to them, and that their real third brother, Cooper, was safe and secure in his Louisiana home. “You see, different people can have the same last name,” Peyton explained. “For instance, there’s the Fantastic Mr. Fox from your picture book and [...]

Eli Manning strips down to Blue's Clues underoos for ESPN’s ‘Body Issue’

NEW YORK – ESPN the Magazine unveiled its annual “Body Issue” on Tuesday, and perhaps the most surprising athlete to make an appearance is Giants quarterback Eli Manning. Unlike the other athletes featured, the two-time Super Bowl champ declined to go entirely nude, opting instead to wear what he described as his “Blue’s Clues underoos”—a pair of briefs patterned with images from the popular children’s show. Because the photo shoot was done at a poolside location, Manning also wore a colorful nose plug, which he insisted on wearing to protect him in the instance that he was splashed with water. “Don’t splash me or I’ll tell,” Manning warned the photo crew repeatedly. The 32-year-old Pro Bowler was reportedly extraordinarily uncomfortable throughout the duration of the photo shoot, having only agreed to it because he was told he could wear his birthday suit, which he understood to mean the Giants-themed onesie that he wears to Golden Corral every year on his birthday. When he arrived on set and realized this wasn’t [...]

Eli Manning nonchalantly playing recorder in lobby of Jay-Z’s new sport agency

LOS ANGELES – Multiple witnesses inside the offices of Roc Nation Sports, rapper Jay-Z’s new sports agency, have confirmed that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is currently stationed in the building’s lobby, playing songs on a recorder in hopes of getting Jay-Z’s attention. Manning reportedly arrived at the headquarters around noon on Friday, wearing a white T-shirt on which he’d written “World’s Coolest Athlete Client” in Sharpie. He then nonchalantly took a seat in a chair close to the main receptionist’s desk and began playing “The Wheels on the Bus” on a plastic recorder, oblivious to the fact that it was overwhelmingly obnoxious. “Can I help you, sir?” the receptionist asked, mildly annoyed. “Nah, I’m cool,” replied Manning. “Just hangin’ out, kickin’ it, doin’ the kinds of things that cool dudes do. I’m Eli Manning, by the way—two-time Super Bowl champ. If you happen to see any rappers wandering around who are looking to sign totally hip new clients, would you mind giving Big Daddy Eli a shout?” He [...]

If other athletes had imaginary girlfriends

When you invent an imaginary girlfriend for yourself, the nice thing is that you can make her exactly who you want her to be, giving her all the traits that you find most attractive. Manti Te’o chose to invent a girl who was terrible at driving and had a terminal disease that made her bald. To each his own! But what if other athletes were to invent imaginary girlfriends? Let’s just say that they might take a few more creative liberties than Manti. Tim Tebow’s girl Appearance: Pale, brown hair, modest attire. Has the slender, un-provocative figure of a 15-year-old boy. Likes: Football, obedience, smiling at inanimate objects, denim dresses, clapping to songs at church, Nestle Goobers Dislikes: Cussing, social dancing, having opinions, premarital handholding, Jews Zdeno Chara’s girl Appearance: Eight feet tall, soft coat of fur, protruding brow, stooped posture Likes: Foraging for bones, bludgeoning small animals, crapping while standing, snuggling on beds of moss and locusts Dislikes: When skunks get away, angry-looking rocks, the Montreal Canadiens, hunters/poachers Kevin [...]

The real story behind Peyton Manning and Ray Lewis’ private locker room meeting

After the Ravens victory over the Broncos Saturday, a candid photo of Peyton Manning privately congratulating Ray Lewis quickly went viral. Though it appeared to be a poignant moment between two of football’s most revered veterans, JukeLeft was able to access security footage to find out what actually took place. *** (After downing nine shots of Papa John’s garlic butter to soothe the agony of defeat, PEYTON MANNING wanders over to the Ravens’ locker room to congratulate linebacker RAY LEWIS.) PEYTON: Hello, Ray, I’m Peyton Manning. You might remember me as the winner of the 2006 Super Bowl MVP award, or perhaps from today’s game, in which your team defeated my team in double overtime. RAY: Of course, man, you’re a legend, I’m so glad to meet you. And who’s this little guy? PEYTON: This is my son, Marshall. You might be wondering why I’m letting him play with that little piece of trash in his hands, and the answer is that he is a Manning, and Mannings are not [...]

The trademarked phrases of your favorite NFL quarterbacks

News broke today that Robert Griffin III is attempting to trademark a wide array of phrases, indicating that the rookie has ambitions to be not just a marketable athlete but rather a straight-up sports mogul. Some of the phrases he’s trying to claim include “Unbelievably unbelievable,” “Go catch your dream,” “Work hard stay humble,” “Light you up,” and “No pressure no diamonds.” That got us wondering: What phrases have other NFL quarterbacks trademarked? Here’s what we uncovered.  Mark Sanchez – Buttfumble – FUMBLESTRONG – When life gives you lemons, throw them for interceptions John Skelton – HE. COULD. GO. ALL. THE. WAY. ACTUALLY. JUST. KIDDING. SACKED. FOR. LOSS. OF. TEN. – The few, the proud: my completions – Catch me if you can. (You can’t.) – LEAST MODE Michael Vick – Who let the dogs out, and why am I curb-stomping them? – Winning the war on pugs Eli Manning – I’m a big boy – Live from New York, it’s Saturday night, and I’m at home in my jammies! [...]

Eli Manning tears both MCLs attempting Victor Cruz’s salsa dance in bathroom mirror

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – The Giants’ hopes of winning a second consecutive Super Bowl were devastated Wednesday when quarterback Eli Manning suffered tears to both MCLs in a bizarre accident at his home. The 31-year-old, wearing a bright yellow polo shirt tucked neatly into a pair of too-short khakis, injured himself in front of his bathroom mirror while practicing various celebrations he could use for future rushing touchdowns. Listening to a “Jock Jams” tape that his big brother gave him in 1994, Manning attempted teammate Victor Cruz’s patented salsa dance, which he has always quietly admired. Vigorously pumping his arms forward and back like pistons, Manning felt he had perfected the upper-body portion of the dance, but it was the mechanics of the lower half that proved to be destructive. Still pumping his arms, Manning hunched his back and clumsily struggled to gyrate his buttocks, but coordinating his hips for such a motion interrupted his balance, and he inadvertently lurched forward and began humping the toilet. Using the toilet as [...]

Eli Manning asks Tom Coughlin to clarify passing route and also how sex works

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – After a morning practice Friday, Giants quarterback Eli Manning pulled head coach Tom Coughlin aside to review a couple of plays they had worked on as well as an item of a more personal nature. “Coach, I, uh, was wondering if you might, um, go over a couple of the passing routes we worked on and, um, also maybe explain how sex works,” muttered Manning, staring bashfully at the ground. The timing of the question startled Coughlin, but he was by no means surprised that Manning had asked it, as the quarterback’s emotional maturity had rarely exceeded that of a hamster in their years together. “Sure, Eli, we can discuss sex I suppose,” said Coughlin sympathetically. “But you have a daughter…how did you manage to—“ “—Stork,” Manning quickly replied. The two stepped into Coughlin’s office, where he mustered an Eli Manning bobblehead doll and a stapler to help visually demonstrate various coital techniques. Manning, holding a crayon and a wide-rule notebook, began peppering his coach with [...]