Tags archives: denver-broncos

The NFL’s Walter White: Peyton Manning is a secret drug lord

You read that headline correctly. Our investigative team has determined that Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is almost certainly a secret drug lord, living a hush-hush second life similar to that of Walter White on AMC’s Breaking Bad. Sound crazy? Yes, absolutely. But sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. News began circulating Wednesday that there was a popular strain of weed going around in Colorado called “Peyton Manning.” People seemed to get a good laugh out of seeing Manning’s face on a Schedule I substance, but no one seemed to realize that the weed probably indirectly generates a tremendous amount of income for him. As a sativa-dominant hybrid strain, the Peyton Manning marijuana is enormously potent in terms of stimulating appetite. It gives you the munchies, essentially. And there are few people in the world who profit more off snack-seeking stoners than Manning. Last year, two weeks before marijuana was legalized in Colorado, the 12-time Pro Bowler announced that he was opening 21 Papa John’s pizza locations in the [...]

Joe Flacco urges teammates to have prudent, educational season in emotional pregame speech

DENVER – In the minutes leading up to Thursday’s opener against the Broncos, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco gave an emotional locker room pep talk urging his teammates to have a prudent, educational season. “Boys, we’ve already got a Super Bowl under our belts, but it’s important that we stay hungry,” Flacco began. “Hungry for learning. Hungry for good decisions. Hungry for insight into who we are as athletes and a team. Knowledge is power, boys. Let’s strive to be the most powerful team on the field every single week.” Flacco then walked his teammates through a series of informative datasets that explored the team’s Pythagorean win projection as well as their defense-adjusted value over average (DVOA) rating and several other multivariable-based forecasting measurements. The reigning Super Bowl MVP claimed that he was “super amped” for the game, having spent the entire morning reviewing the Maryland tax code so that his mind would be ready to process the methodical, intricately-structured systems prescribed in the playbook for efficiently running an offense. “But [...]

Broncos clinch AFC West

DENVER – With a 27-26 win over the St. Louis Rams on Saturday, the Denver Broncos secured their third straight AFC West title, sending the Chiefs, Chargers, and Raiders back to the drawing board for 2014. Surging up and down the field at blistering speeds behind quarterback Peyton Manning, the Broncos handily demonstrated their ability to perform as a competent team unit, which was all it took to officially establish themselves as the undisputed kings of their division. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell officially recognized the playoff berth in a ceremony following the game, acknowledging that even though the regular season had yet to commence, there’s no point in dragging out what’s already certain. “I hereby declare the Denver Broncos the AFC West champions, as it is indisputably clear that they will encounter no discernible competition from other teams within the division,” Goodell stated as the players popped champagne bottles in the background. “This does not mean the Chiefs, Chargers, and Raiders are eliminated from wild card contention, though I anticipate [...]

The real story behind Peyton Manning and Ray Lewis’ private locker room meeting

After the Ravens victory over the Broncos Saturday, a candid photo of Peyton Manning privately congratulating Ray Lewis quickly went viral. Though it appeared to be a poignant moment between two of football’s most revered veterans, JukeLeft was able to access security footage to find out what actually took place. *** (After downing nine shots of Papa John’s garlic butter to soothe the agony of defeat, PEYTON MANNING wanders over to the Ravens’ locker room to congratulate linebacker RAY LEWIS.) PEYTON: Hello, Ray, I’m Peyton Manning. You might remember me as the winner of the 2006 Super Bowl MVP award, or perhaps from today’s game, in which your team defeated my team in double overtime. RAY: Of course, man, you’re a legend, I’m so glad to meet you. And who’s this little guy? PEYTON: This is my son, Marshall. You might be wondering why I’m letting him play with that little piece of trash in his hands, and the answer is that he is a Manning, and Mannings are not [...]

Osweiler era begins in Denver

ATLANTA – As the janitorial crew worked to clean up the mess left behind by the Georgia Dome’s sell-out crowd at the Falcons 27-21 victory over the Broncos, they knew they’d be working overtime to scrape Peyton Manning’s tarnished legacy from the stadium’s flattened turf. Monday’s horrific outing was more or less an ugly retirement party for Manning, erasing every single positive memory from his storied career with three interceptions in Denver’s first three drives. The loss, which all but derailed the team’s journey on the Super Bowl Express, will mark a critical pivot for the Broncos from the Era of Manning to the Era of Osweiler. “In light of the disaster Peyton perpetrated against this organization last night, it’s obvious to everyone here in the Broncos’ front office that now is the time to put the team’s fate in the hands of rookie quarterback Brock Osweiler,” said executive vice president of football operations John Elway. “It’s time for a fresh start, and we can’t wait to see where Brock [...]

Andrew Luck unsure why Archie Manning spanking him, calling him Peyton

INDIANPOLIS – Colts rookie quarterback Andrew Luck had a rough first day in the NFL, suffering three interceptions and a fumble in a 41-21 loss against the Chicago Bears. But things grew even more unpleasant for Luck when he arrived home Sunday and was ambushed by Archie Manning, father of former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. The senior Manning was allegedly waiting in Luck’s living, where he surprised the 22-year-old by jumping from behind an ottoman and turning him over his knee. He then proceeded to spank him with an open hand 15-20 times on the buttocks, shouting, “Bad boy, Peyton! You did a bad job today! I’m very ashamed of you!” It was at this point that the situation slowly began to register with Luck. “At first my instinct was to beat the crap out of the guy, but then I realized how old he was and thought that maybe he’d gotten away from a nursing home or something,” Luck explained. “Finally, once he started saying ‘Peyton,’ it occurred to [...]

Colts fans still waiting on Peyton Manning to return from quick trip to buy cigarettes

INDIANAPOLIS – The Indianapolis Colts faithful have endured a dramatic, confusing offseason, punctuated by a massive overhaul of their team’s roster and an urgent sense of impatience spawning from the mysterious absence of quarterback Peyton Manning. Andrew Neel, Hartford County resident and treasurer of the unofficial Colts fan club, has been waiting on word from Manning since he last spoke at a cryptic press conference in March. “We was all waitin’ there for an autograph, thinkin’ he was gonna say somethin’ congratulating his brother, when he told us he was goin’ out for a pack of smokes and that we should learn to love Andrew Luck while he’s gone,” said Neel. The official transcript of the press conference reads as follows: My sweet, beloved Colts fans, I want you to know that I care for all of you and that you’re all so special in your own unique ways. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But I also wanted to let you know that I’m going to be leaving. Just [...]