BOULDER, CO — With only a few weeks left in the college football regular season, students at the University of Colorado held a press conference at 4:20 local time today announcing their hopes that UC Athletic Director Rick George would accept an invitation to the Smokah Bowl on behalf of the football team. Though not generally known as a high-stakes contest, the Smokah Bowl, sponsored by Taco Bell and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, has historically drawn high ratings despite airing at midnight on Adult Swim. “With a 4-6 record and two tough games against USC and Utah, it’s highly unlikely the Buffs will tapped for any other bowls,” said student president Harrison Butler between mouthfuls of Funyuns. “Every season has its ups and downs, but we’ve had quite a few lows lately. Why not end the season on a high note?” Several UC players expressed support for the Smokah Bowl opportunity, and hoped it would lead to more invites down the pipeline. “The Smokah Bowl would really mellow all the harsh [...]
In an incredibly sloppy poll conducted at tailgates and sports bars nationwide, approximately 63% of SEC school alums aged 22-28 were found to have been legally intoxicated since 9AM this morning. An additional 23% of recent graduates were found to be “buzzed,” while 9% claimed to be the designated driver, limiting their beer consumption to an even dozen. “Win or lose we STILL BOOZE!!! YEAH!!!!!” said Stuart Boone, 24, a financial analyst and University of Florida graduate who works 60 hours a week and recently bought a condo with his fiance. “GOOOOOO GATORS!!!!! WOOOOOO!” Polls found that though as many as 89% of recent SEC alums do in fact live the majority of their lives as fully functioning adults, they almost uniformly morph into raging drunken idiots for 13 saturdays out of the year, awakening even earlier than they would for their regular jobs to consume mass quantities of alcohol. Kevin Pickens, 26, a paralegal now living in Birmingham, responded to each question posed by researchers with “ROLL TIDE!” including [...]
It’s like that old proverb says: If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it because it fell in the middle of the field during a Tuesday night Mid-American Conference football game, does it make a sound?
LOS ANGELES – Two days after being fired as head coach of the USC Trojans football team, sources say Lane Kiffin is on the prowl for a new job, having reportedly called Chicago Bears receiver Alshon Jeffery asking for help finding work as a gas station attendant. Starkly contrasted with the 2009 incident in which Kiffin, then coach at Tennessee, told Jeffery that, if he committed to the Gamecocks over the Vols, he would end up pumping gas for the rest of his life “like all the other players” from South Carolina, the unemployed 38-year-old now seems much more eager for Jeffery to take advantage of his gas station connections. “Listen, Alshon, I know you and I don’t have the best history, but I could really use some part-time work until I’m able to get back on my feet,” Kiffin told Jeffery in a phone call Tuesday. “Is there any chance you could possibly ask one of your former teammates to help me find a gas station job? I don’t [...]
CLEVELAND – A day after naming Brian Hoyer starting quarterback and trading away running back Trent Richardson, the Cleveland Browns have been dropped out of the Associated Press Top 25 Poll. The weekly poll, which compiles the opinions of sportswriters across the nation to determine the country’s best 25 collegiate-level football teams, revealed in its updated rankings Thursday that the Browns had fallen out of the poll entirely, after holding the 22nd position a week earlier. “We can confirm that the Browns received zero votes in our rankings this week,” an AP spokesman stated. “They’ve always been somewhat of an anomaly in the poll anyway, considering they’re technically an NFL team, but, still, we’ve always felt it appropriate to include them, as they cannot be assessed using the traditional metrics for professional teams.” “We see them as a college team that could be very promising if their program ever figured out how to get its act together,” the spokesman added. Voters defended their decision by pointing out that Cleveland’s new [...]
COLLEGE STATION, TX – In a statement released on Monday, the NCAA announced that it is investigating Heisman-winning quarterback Johnny Manziel for allegedly appearing in an enormously profitable football broadcast. According to the statement, the reigning Heisman winner used his name and persona to lure viewers to Saturday afternoon’s game between No. 1 Alabama and No. 6 Texas A&M, a broadcast that earned the highest ratings for a CBS regular season college football game in 23 years. “The NCAA has learned that Mr. Manziel participated in certain inappropriate activities over the weekend, and we will seek to reprimand him to the full extent of our authority,” the statement read. “Despite any heightened media exposure, Mr. Manziel is a student—not a celebrity—and he must abide to the same rules for generating millions of dollars in revenue as every other student.” The statement went on to accuse him of violating NCAA bylaw 184.108.40.206, which forbids student-athletes from using their names or likenesses for commercial purposes. By lending his likeness to CBS for [...]
COLLEGE STATION, TX – Data from a groundbreaking new study has made a case for the possible existence of dozens of Texas A&M football players who aren’t Johnny Manziel. Though nothing from the extensive, around-the-clock media coverage of the team’s Heisman-winning quarterback would suggest anything but a one-man roster, a group of scientists has uncovered startling new evidence that seems to indicate otherwise. The research team, led by theoretical physicist Dr. Avery Stanek, began pursuing the hypothesis after data they had gathered on Manziel produced some unexpected findings, including a cryptic tweet from the quarterback referencing his “teammates”. “At first we just dismissed it as drunken nonsense,” admitted Stanek. “After all, we’d been bombarded by stories about Johnny everyday for the last six months, and never once did the term ‘teammate’ appear in any of the coverage.” Yet, on a whim, Stanek casually mentioned the tweet in interviews with a number of Manziel’s close friends and associates, several of whom conceded that they’d occasionally seen the 20-year-old fraternizing with unusually [...]