Tags archives: college-basketball

Duke awards Krzyzewski $25,000 for physically, verbally abusing players

DURHAM, NC – Duke responded immediately Thursday to a leaked video of basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski throwing balls at players and using gay slurs, awarding $25,000 to the beloved mentor. University spokesman Randy Miller said that senior members of the administration carefully reviewed the footage Thursday morning and within minutes reached a unanimous consensus that the 33-year face of the basketball program deserved to be compensated for his passion and commitment to success. “Coach K is a revered figure on campus, and anything he decides to do with his players, no matter how horrible or violent, has the full, unyielding support of everyone at the university,” stated Miller. The video, which was leaked just one day after Rutgers coach Mike Rice was fired for similar transgressions, depicts Krzyzewski berating his players for their March Madness loss to Louisville. “You’re all just a worthless bunch of [homophobic slur]s!” screamed Krzyzewski, hurling a ball into the face of senior Mason Plumlee. “How could you not capitalize on that kid’s broken leg?!? When [...]

MARCH MADNESS REPORT: 38 million Excel spreadsheets being discreetly minimized this very second to work on brackets

UNITED STATES – According to data collected from hundreds of thousands of workplaces across the nation, 38 million Excel spreadsheets are at this very second being discreetly minimized so that workers can fill out their NCAA brackets. Among the employees minimizing the spreadsheets, roughly 12 million of them are hunched forward awkwardly in their office chairs to obstruct the sightlines of passing coworkers, while at least seven million are pecking absently on a calculator with their spare hand to provide an illusion of productivity. Further, nearly 30 million of them are minimizing their spreadsheets simply by clicking on the MINIMIZE button, suggesting that most individuals are still unaware of the ALT-TAB keyboard shortcut that would allow them to switch windows much less suspiciously. However, this lack of knowledge does not indicate a total shortcoming of sophistication in these workers’ work-avoidance approaches. The data shows that many of these employees are going to great lengths to obscure their activity, oftentimes coordinating their efforts with their coworkers. Live transcripts of G Chat [...]

Gonzaga tops "Really? No One Else Is Gonna Step Up?" poll for first time in school history

SPOKANE, WA – For the first time in school history, the Gonzaga Bulldogs are the number one team in the country. On Wednesday, it was announced that the Bulldogs had earned 51 of 65 first-place votes to top the AP’s “Really? No One Else Is Gonna Step Up?” poll after clinching the number one ranking. A March Madness mainstay, the school previously held the number two ranking in the AP’s “Please, Indiana, Don’t Lose Again” poll. Junior Kelly Olynyk has led the team as one of college basketball’s most efficient players. Olynyk, the West Coast Conference player of the year, led the Zags in points, and was voted by his teammates as the player “most likely to go to a Lord of the Rings convention dressed as Legolus.” Perhaps best known as John Stockton’s alma mater, Gonzaga has consistently produced NBA megastars like Adam Morrison, Ronny Turiaf, and Austin Daye. Asked what the new AP ranking meant for his program, head coach Mark Few downplayed its significance. “We’re only here [...]

Doctor refuses to admit Nerlens Noel to emergency room until he gives real first name

GAINESVILLE, Fla. – Kentucky freshman Nerlens Noel, who injured his knee in Tuesday’s game against Florida, was reportedly refused entrance to the emergency room by a doctor who was skeptical about his first name. Shortly after being helped off the court by his teammates, Noel was rushed to North Florida Regional Medical Center, where Dr. Edward Ruark was tasked with processing the star center. As Noel struggled to articulate his basic identification information through the agonizing pain, Ruark grew more and more distrusting of the Wildcat’s story. “I’m sorry, but if you want any chance of being attended to tonight, you’re gonna have to drop the phony name and tell me who you really are,” warned Ruark. Noel once again stated his name, explaining its Haitian provenance, but Ruark remained unconvinced. “Really? Nerlens? You honestly think I’m gonna believe that? If a wizard walks in with a tall pointy hat and a magic wand, I could maybe see him being a Nerlens, but come on. You have a hi-top fade.” [...]

Report: College basketball players with undershirts beneath jerseys looking cooler than ever

NEW YORK – A new study out of Columbia University has found that college basketball players who wear undershirts beneath their jerseys are looking cooler now than at any other time in NCAA history. Researchers polled hundreds of sexually attractive women and sports-savvy 18 to 25-year-old men to gauge their opinions on college basketball players who, despite being physically toned adults with everything going for them, still feel it necessary to wear a T-shirt bunched up beneath their jersey. Of those surveyed, more than 94 percent identified the athletes as “extremely cool-looking,” with nearly all of the female respondents indicating that the undershirts made them feel “overwhelmingly aroused.” Though research suggests that the players wear the undershirts to combat perspiration, insecurity, or discomfort, the vast majority of respondents indicated that they believed the shirts were to help the players contain all their unruly muscles. “Uhh, yeah, muscles, that’s exactly why,” muttered Creighton forward Doug McDermott, who wears undershirts during games and doesn’t in the least bit look like a self-conscious [...]

Division III point guard embarrasses team with pathetic 77-point performance

MINNEAPOLIS – In a lackluster 104-91 win over University of Wisconsin-River Falls, St. Thomas’s Ryan Eisemann humiliated teammates and fans with a feeble 77-point performance. Despite being handed more shooting opportunities than any other player on the court, the junior point guard fell laughably short of breaking any long-held NCAA scoring records, giving his anonymous Division III school practically zero chance of earning a brief cameo in the national spotlight or becoming sudden subjects of viral Internet acclaim. Totaling a mere 56 percent of Tuesday’s record-smashing 138-point haul by Grinnell’s Jack Taylor, Eisemann’s 77 points were accumulated through an impotent, uninspired effort, characterized by a tepid 14-32 showing from behind the arc. Eisemann managed to fire off a negligible 88 overall attempts, with shots coming at a glacial pace of roughly one every 40 seconds, giving spectators huge swathes of time to go to the bathroom or finish a game of Monopoly without missing any relevant action. “To be honest, I don’t really want to talk about it,” sighed St. [...]

Goliath-like 8th-grader to eat/dismember all other 8th-grade football players

At 6-foot-8, Tennessee power forward Jarnell Stokes is a big fella, but apparently he got the short straw as far as genetics go. Here’s his little brother, Isaiah, who in just 8th grade–pretty much the starting line of puberty!–is already as big as Jarnell. Immediately after this picture was taken, the little guy was tied into a pretzel shape and hurled up on the goalpost, where he later had to be rescued by firemen.

Bobby Knight terrorizes musical chairs game at child’s birthday party

LUBBOCK, TX – Legendary NCAA basketball coach Bobby Knight found himself in trouble with local authorities Sunday after causing a disturbance at a birthday party for his nine-year-old granddaughter. Knight, notorious for his explosive temper, allegedly grew agitated during a game of musical chairs being played by seven of his granddaughter’s friends. When Knight felt two of the children were being overly aggressive in claiming the open seats, he countered their behavior with aggression of his own. “It was just awful to see, awful for the kids to be a part of,” said Carolyn Riley, whose daughter was participating in the game. “At first he was shouting at the boys, which was inappropriate enough, but then he took things way too far and had us all absolutely terrified.” The three-time NCAA champion reportedly charged forward and grabbed several of the chairs, hurling them violently across the lawn. He then picked up one of the chairs with a child still on it and lodged it in a nearby tree, stranding the [...]