In a shocking revelation that calls into question the legitimacy of the 2013 Boston Red Sox World Series win, the Boston Globe reported today that outfielder Daniel Nava tested positive for the hair-growth supplement Minoxidil — commonly known as Rogaine — to artificially enhance his beard. At a hastily arranged press conference, Nava showed contrition for his actions, and asked for forgiveness from Red Sox Nation. “I’ve always done everything I can to help my team, but I realize now that I made a grave mistake in pursuit of a World Series win,” said a clean-shaven Nava. “I am truly sorry, and hope that my actions do not taint the incredible beards of my teammates, who worked so hard all season to craft their winning whiskers.” Sincere as Nava’s apology may have been, the reaction from the Boston media was swift and unsympathetic. “FARCIAL HAIR” screamed the headline from the Boston Herald, while the Boston Globe opted for “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow”. “Just as the Beantown Boys’ 2004 and 2007 [...]
CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs fell short of a championship for the 105th consecutive season Wednesday, as the Boston Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals 6-1 to clinch the World Series title. “We came so heartbreakingly close, but once again, we unfortunately were unable to win the World Series,” said Dale Sveum, who was recently fired as the Cubs manager after somehow managing to make the team worse than it already was. “I mean, we came 27th closest to winning the title, which is pretty dang impressive if you consider there are over seven billion people in the world. We’re in the 99.999999th percentile—the elite of the elite—but sadly we weren’t quite elite enough.” In hopes of reversing their luck for next season, the team is already going back to the drawing board, with plans to implement factors like occasionally hitting the ball and running the bases counter-clockwise into their every-day strategy.
When Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli awoke in the middle of the night, he knew something was wrong. It wasn’t the previous night’s 4-2 loss to the Cardinals. It wasn’t the phone ringing — apparently Dunkin Donuts and Old Spice would resume their nonstop endorsement requests in the morning. It wasn’t even the strange man standing over his bed with a razor in his hand. It was his face. It was cold. As it turns out, Napoli had fallen victim to Dodgers relief pitcher and human meme Brian Wilson, who, in a fit of jealous rage, broke into Napoli’s hotel room and shaved the slugger’s much-beloved beard, hoping to bring media attention back to his own outlandish facial hair. Though his lawyers repeatedly advised him against talking to the press, Wilson was unable to contain himself once a microphone was present. “Ladies and gentlemen, I have just one thing to say: EPIC PRANK!” said Wilson, whose beard appeared to have bits of Napoli’s glued to it so as to [...]
The owner of the Red Sox just bought the Boston Globe, and JukeLeft has uncovered all his diabolical plans
News broke recently that Red Sox owner John Henry had reached an agreement to purchase the Boston Globe for $70 million—roughly $12.5 million less than John Lackey’s contract. While the 141-year-old newspaper has always been revered for its award-winning journalism, it seems now that it might take on a totally different reputation JukeLeft was able to gain access to exclusive documents detailing the changes and additions Henry intends to make. And if what we uncovered is any indication, one of the most respected media companies in the country is about to deteriorate into the biggest Red Sox tribute the world has ever seen. Here’s what to expect: – A weekly column from David Ortiz reminiscing about different hamburgers he’s eaten. – As a nod to Jacoby Ellsbury, all words in the paper that should logically end with B will now end with an unnecessary Y. – Henry will fire longtime editor Brian McGrory and then hire the first human being who can correctly spell ‘Saltalamacchia.’ – An obituary for Derek [...]
BALTIMORE – Jaws dropped all across baseball Saturday when David Ortiz, in response to a questionable called strike, angrily demolished the visiting dugout phone with three vicious swings of his bat. Yet on Sunday, phones got their revenge on the Red Sox, when first baseman Mike Napoli made his own furious attempt to smash a dugout phone but ended up striking out on three straight whiffs. Enraged after being called out on strikes during the fourth inning of Sunday’s game against the Orioles, Napoli bitterly stormed back to the dugout with his eyes set on repeating Ortiz’s destructive feat from the night before. But with the second most strikeouts in all of baseball, contact doesn’t come easy for Napoli, and the 31-year-old’s wild swings came no where close. After three failed attempts, he was tossed from the game, and he then shamefully retired to the locker room. There, still enraged, he attempted to punch through the drywall but missed by several feet and incapacitated an elderly custodian. His coaches were [...]
Yeah, you tell ‘em, David! Make it hurt!
“And they all scuttle off for a nap.”
Major League Baseball reported today that New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow is the current leading vote-getter among all players for the 84th MLB All-Star Game, with nearly 2.5 million write-in votes at first base in the American League. Tebow’s 2,493,372 appears to be big enough that he is a shoo-in starter for the July 16 game at Citi Field, easily leading Baltimore Orioles first baseman Chris Davis (1,176,016 votes), Detroit Tigers slugger Prince Fielder (1,058,371) and Boston Red Sox converted catcher Mike Napoli (489,483). While the lead is a very convincing one for Tebow, there may be some obstacles for Tebow to hurdle before he can suit up for the American League — namely that he is not a member of Major League Baseball. But Commissioner Bud Selig, who has struggled to make All-Star-Weekend relevant in previous years, seems to have no issue with Tebow potentially playing. “Major League Baseball believes strongly that fan input is the most important factor when determining All-Star lineups,” Selig said. “The fact that [...]
BOSTON – David Ortiz made his long-awaited season debut last Saturday, and ever since he’s been boosting his club with some much-needed offense. Yet in Monday’s game against Oakland, the hefty lefty’s hot bat couldn’t save him from getting thrown out in a rare 4-6-5-2-1-9-8-7-5-6-4-3 double play. Early in the fourth inning, with Dustin Pedroia on first, Ortiz stepped up to the plate and hammered a grounder to A’s second baseman Eric Sogard, who quickly threw out Pedtroia at second, which was being covered by shortstop Jed Lowrie. Noticing that, despite running at full steam, Ortiz had barely yet cleared the batter’s box, Lowrie elected to pass some time and throw the ball to third baseman Andy Parrino, who then lobbed it to catcher John Jaso. At this point, Ortiz and his heavy frame had chugged roughly a quarter of the way up the first baseline, so Jaso decided to continue the game of catch, throwing the ball to pitcher A.J. Griffin, who then shrugged and tossed the ball out [...]
NEW YORK – In a season when the Red Sox and Yankees are likely to be inconsequential presences in the AL East, both teams are still fiercely determined to one-up each other in one way or another. Carrying on the tradition of one of baseball’s most storied rivalries, each team has made clear its intentions to totally out-suck their opponent in Monday’s season opener. “We weren’t able to purchase a lineup capable of staying healthy enough to be competitive, so we’re going to need to do something else to support our franchise’s massive ego,” confided Yankees coach Joe Girardi. “Right now, our immediate goal is to out-suck Boston and prove to them that they’re our inferiors by being more dysfunctional than them in every single aspect of our game.” Starting an Opening Day lineup that features Jayson Nix, Eduardo Nunez, and Vernon Wells, it’s clear the Yankees plan to make good on their ambitions, but the Red Sox are determined not to be pushovers. Having not made the postseason since [...]
BOSTON – Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine has had an embarrassing first season with the squad, dragging a championship-caliber team into the muck with his blatant condescension of players and outspokenly defeatist attitude. But with the regular season winding down, the skipper has shown he’s willing to make an effort to salvage ties with the battered organization. Following Wednesday’s loss to the Mariners, Valentine gathered his team in the locker room and made an audacious case for their respect. “Listen,” the 62-year-old manager said. “I know we’re down and out. But we still have to keep the attitude that we’ll do anything to win. And I mean anything, no matter how reckless.” Valentine continued: “You see these? These are two yellow Warheads. The most sour candy you can buy on this side of the Mexican border. Now right here on the label it reads, ‘WARNING: Eating multiple pieces within a short time period may cause a temporary irritation to sensitive tongues and mouths.’ Sure, something might go wrong if I [...]
BOSTON – Inspired by the Hunger Games young adult novel series by Suzanne Collins, Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz has invented a “hunger game” of his own involving pepperonis and a Connect Four game. “I saw my kids were really enjoying the books, and even though I didn’t actually read them, I was pretty sure I could come up with a better hunger game myself,” said Ortiz. “It just seemed like a logical thing to do. Oftentimes I am hungry, and I also like playing games. It’s like a marriage of my two greatest passions.” The premise of the game is relatively simple: Follow the basic rules of Connect Four, only instead of using checkers as game pieces, use pepperonis. If you successfully align four pepperonis, you get to eat them. “I have been playing the game for three days straight now,” said the rotund Dominican. “Even after my kids go to bed, I keep playing the game alone.” “I really like pepperonis,” he added. Ortiz, who’s batting .315 [...]