Tags archives: baseball

Daniel Nava admits beard was artificially enhanced after testing positive for Rogaine

In a shocking revelation that calls into question the legitimacy of the 2013 Boston Red Sox World Series win, the Boston Globe reported today that outfielder Daniel Nava tested positive for the hair-growth supplement Minoxidil — commonly known as Rogaine — to artificially enhance his beard. At a hastily arranged press conference, Nava showed contrition for his actions, and asked for forgiveness from Red Sox Nation. “I’ve always done everything I can to help my team, but I realize now that I made a grave mistake in pursuit of a World Series win,” said a clean-shaven Nava. “I am truly sorry, and hope that my actions do not taint the incredible beards of my teammates, who worked so hard all season to craft their winning whiskers.” Sincere as Nava’s apology may have been, the reaction from the Boston media was swift and unsympathetic. “FARCIAL HAIR” screamed the headline from the Boston Herald, while the Boston Globe opted for “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow”. “Just as the Beantown Boys’ 2004 and 2007 [...]

“But how ‘free’ is free agency, really?” muses Robin Canó during six-hour meeting with Yankees executives

NEW YORK, NY — Though the New York Yankees described their six-hour meeting with free agent second baseman Robinson Canó as “very productive,” unnamed sources reported today that Canó spent much of the meeting waxing philosophical on the concept of liberty and whether a free agent was truly free, to the great frustration of Yankees executives. “In one sense, free agency simply implies I’m able to rationally act within the constructs collectively agreed upon by a naturally occurring social structure — manifested in this case by the owners and MLBPA,” said Canó, occasionally checking his copy of Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan. “But in another sense, as the premier second baseman in baseball, I’m restricting my agency by subjugating myself to the rule of a highly restrictive authority. Locke, I believe, would posit that my God-given ability to get a $300 million contract would only be possible in a state of nature free of the CBA’s Draconian influence.” “And what of this word, “free”? Canó continued, as Yankees executives checked their watches. [...]

Mariano Rivera politely asks store clerk to stop playing Enter Sandman every time he picks up his dry cleaning

After politely smiling the first few times Enter Sandman blasted through the speakers of American Threads Dry Cleaners to mark his arrival, former New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera today asked American Threads clerk Randall Podolski to stop playing the Metallica hit song every time he came to pick up his suits and sport coats. “I know he means well, but honestly, it’s a little disrespectful,” Rivera said. “I used that song to pump me up for the biggest moments of my life. It got me through 19 seasons, five World Series wins, and 652 saves. To hear that thundering guitar riff when I’m picking up my wife’s cocktail dress really cheapens it.” “Just play some Steely Dan or something,” Rivera added. “Or some Michael McDonald-era Doobie Brothers. You know… dry cleaner music.” While Podolski quickly agreed to drop the Enter Sandman routine, he insisted the song was intended as a sign of respect for Rivera’s craft and years of consistency. “Mariano, he’s been coming in here for 19 years, [...]

Chicago Cubs fall short of World Series title

CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs fell short of a championship for the 105th consecutive season Wednesday, as the Boston Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals 6-1 to clinch the World Series title. “We came so heartbreakingly close, but once again, we unfortunately were unable to win the World Series,” said Dale Sveum, who was recently fired as the Cubs manager after somehow managing to make the team worse than it already was. “I mean, we came 27th closest to winning the title, which is pretty dang impressive if you consider there are over seven billion people in the world. We’re in the 99.999999th percentile—the elite of the elite—but sadly we weren’t quite elite enough.” In hopes of reversing their luck for next season, the team is already going back to the drawing board, with plans to implement factors like occasionally hitting the ball and running the bases counter-clockwise into their every-day strategy.

Brian McCann berates child for disrespecting unwritten rules of Monopoly

Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann was involved in another dust-up today, berating a young child for disrespecting the unwritten rules of Monopoly during a friendly game at the Boys and Girls Club of Metro Atlanta. McCann was incensed when T.J. Nelson, 8, declined to give McCann $50 for landing on Free Parking, insisting that no such rule existed. “Look kid, I’m trying to uphold the sanctity of the game here,” McCann said, his hands wavering dangerously close to flipping over the board. “I’ve been playing Monopoly for longer than you’ve been alive, and everyone knows that landing on Free Parking entitles you to a reward. It’s just disrespectful and downright wrong to play any other way.” According to onlookers, the Free Parking snafu was not the first incident to raise McCann’s ire. Earlier in the match, he demanded to see a copy of the rules after Nelson refused to grant him and extra $100 for landing exactly on Go. A few turns later, McCann rolled a snake eyes, and threw [...]

Rays secure away-field advantage for ALDS

CLEVELAND – The Tampa Bay Rays were feeling confident following their 4-0 AL wild-card win over the Indians Wednesday knowing that they were heading into the American League Division Series with the away-field advantage. The Rays fought valiantly to finish the regular season with fewer wins than the Red Sox, successfully positioning themselves to play the least amount of playoff games in front of their hometown fans as humanly possible. Now getting ready to square off with Boston in the ALDS, the Rays are optimistic knowing the scheduling favors their success. “I really believe that we can win any game that we set our minds to, just as long as we don’t have play in our empty, lifeless stadium in front of our crappy, dead-eyed fans,” said pitcher Alex Cobb. “Sure, the fans in Boston might boo us and stuff, but negative energy is better than no energy at all.” The Rays boast the lowest home attendance in all of baseball by a considerable margin, with a fanbase disproportionately loaded [...]

Cubs fire Dale Sveum for dutifully upholding team legacy

CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs announced Monday that they had fired manager Dale Sveum as a result of him dutifully upholding the team’s legacy throughout his two years on the job. Having finished the season last place in the NL Central with a 66-96 record, Sveum was deemed “a perfect fit” for the franchise’s historical narrative, preserving the storied traditions that have distinguished the Friendly Confines for over a hundred years. “Today, we made the very difficult decision to relieve Dale Sveum of his duties as Cubs manager, despite his tireless commitment to this organization’s long-held ideals,” announced team president Theo Epstein. “His extraordinary passion for underachievement has made us proud, and we have no doubt that he’ll find a new home to continue cultivating these principles—perhaps with the Marlins or the White Sox.” Having relentlessly championed the franchise’s 104-year pursuit of not being champions, Sveum was admittedly baffled by the news, saying he’d done everything in his power to foster his young roster’s shortcomings. He insisted that no other [...]

Yankees acquire Oakland A’s to bolster playoff hopes

NEW YORK – Shrugging off allegations that they’d been eliminated from playoff contention, the New York Yankees announced Friday that they had acquired the Oakland A’s in an effort to boost their odds heading into the postseason. The Yankees, who already boast a staggering $229 million payroll, shelled out an additional quarter billion dollars late Thursday night to purchase the A’s after hours of tense negotiations. The A’s, who in winning the AL West clinched a playoff berth, will retain their current roster, but all postseason games will be played in the iconic pinstripe Yankees uniforms. Accordingly, any playoff achievements will be credited to the Yankees organization. “Listen, we don’t give a shit about rules or fair competition or anything like that—we insist on the Yankees being in the playoffs, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it,” said team owner Hal Steinbrenner at a press conference. “So, yeah, we went ahead and acquired the A’s, because what else were we supposed to do? All our guys were either old [...]

Doctors inform Nationals that ‘Natitude’ was multiple sclerosis all along

WASHINGTON – In a somber meeting Wednesday morning, team doctors informed the Washington Nationals that the competitive symptom they’d all season described as “Natitude” was actually an aggressive form of multiple sclerosis. Though earlier in the season the team had identified Natitude as a driving force behind their World-Series-or-bust mentality, doctors made it clear to the players that it was actually the cause of their disappointing performance, and that without it they likely would not have been eliminated from playoff contention. “In your physicals many of you described a distinct tingling sensation that you’d associated with Natitude and your excitement to go out and win a championship,” said team physician Dr. Dennis Cullen. “That tingling was actually multiple sclerosis attacking your nervous system. It’s largely responsible for your lackluster performance this year, as its primary symptoms result in the deterioration of reflexes, loss of physical energy, wavering motor skills, and depleted muscle strength.” Cullen added that the multiple sclerosis was an obvious catalyst of many of the Nats’ most troubling [...]

Pulled hamstring not as delicious as C.C. Sabathia hoped

NEW YORK – If C.C. Sabathia’s year wasn’t bad enough already, the Yankees announced Monday that the pitcher’s season had reached a premature end due to a pulled hamstring, an injury he described as “not nearly as delicious as I’d hoped.” Upon undergoing an MRI, the 289-pound ace was initially optimistic, admitting that he didn’t know much about pulled hamstrings but thought they sounded “absolutely mouthwatering.” He said that the scan of the damaged tendons appeared “tender and succulent,” but he found himself deeply disappointed when he later tried to eat them in the privacy of his home. “This had already been a rough season for me without being misled about the tastiness of my injury, but now things are feeling 10 times more hopeless,” sighed a discouraged Sabathia. “To me, a pulled hamstring sounds like some sort of savory cross between pulled pork and string cheese. But it turns out it’s not delicious at all. Even when you slather it in barbecue sauce, it still tastes like bloody rubber [...]

Yankees honor Andy Pettitte with leftover cake from Mariano Rivera ceremony

NEW YORK – The Yankees honored long-time starter Andy Pettitte on Sunday, acknowledging his impending retirement with leftover cake from an earlier ceremony honoring closer Mariano Rivera. Pettitte, who recently announced that Sunday would be his 219th and final regular-season start with the Yankees, was recognized for his service in the locker room following the team’s 2-1 loss to the San Francisco Giants. “Hey, Andy, we didn’t really have any time to do anything for you because we were mostly focused on Mariano, but on behalf of the Yankees organization, I’d like you to have some of his cake,” said manager Joe Girardi after noticing Pettitte sitting alone in the corner of the room. “You’ll always hold a special spot in Yankees history. I mean, not so special that we’re going to retire your number or give you a statue, but we’ll definitely give you, like, a 25 percent discount on tickets if you ever want to come back again to watch a game.” Also on hand for the celebration [...]

Todd Helton rallies teammates to help him finish third in NL West one last time

DENVER – Following his announcement that he would be retiring at the end of the season, Rockies first baseman Todd Helton asked his teammates to help him finish third in the NL West just one last time. Speaking in the locker after Monday night’s game, the 40-year-old made an emotional plea to his teammates to do whatever they could to help him go out on top. “Fellas, I’ve never asked too much for you, but right now I’d really appreciate it if you could help me end things on a high note,” Helton began. “Of course, by a high note, I mean the Rockies’ equivalent to a high note, which I’d say is probably about third place in the division.” Helton then fondly recalled the three other times the team had finished third during his 17-year tenure, moments he described as the “crowning achievements” of his career. “When we were little boys, we all dreamed of one day winning a World Series,” Helton continued. “I realized that that was clearly [...]

White Sox whiff rock bottom

CHICAGO – Following a humiliating 1-0 shutout loss to the Tigers Wednesday night, the last place Chicago White Sox officially whiffed rock bottom, dropping to 58-87 on the season. In order for the team to have actually hit rock bottom, they would’ve needed to demonstrate a basic capacity to hit something, which they’ve been unable to do in the 2013 season. “Yep, doesn’t really get any worse than this,” sighed White Sox manager Robin Ventura. “We can’t even get being terrible right.” The South Siders, with an anemic 3.74 runs per game, have the most pitiful offense in the American League by a considerable margin, even falling short of the woeful Astros. Team captain Paul Konerko has all but lost his power at the plate, and the remainder of the roster appears to be doing an elaborate impression of the Marlins, seemingly only carrying bats so that fans can distinguish between the players and the grounds crew. “We…uh…shouldn’t be allowed to be a baseball team,” Ventura admitted, taking a long [...]