It’s been a miserable season for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Sitting 15.5 games back in the AL West with the season coming to a close, the team has fallen desperately short of the expectations they faced coming into 2013. Of course, bad Angels teams in the past have made miraculous comebacks, specifically the Angels in the 1994 Disney movie, Angels in the Outfield. So that got us wondering: What would happen if they remade the movie today with the current Angels team? . . . ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD II: HEAVEN’S REVENGE INT. NIGHT CHILD’S BEDROOM Nine-year-old ROGER lies wide-awake in his bed, staring wistfully through his window at the stars above. ROGER: God, if you’re listening, I could really use your help right now. My dad says he’ll come save me from this foster home, but only if the Angels win the pennant. They’re pretty far back in the standings right now, and I don’t think they can do it without your help. And I’d really like to have [...]
ST. LOUIS – After news broke Sunday that Albert Pujols would likely miss the remainder of the season with a partially torn foot ligament, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim decided that desperate times call for desperate measures. Aided by copious volumes of livestock-grade tranquilizer, the team quietly abandoned Pujols late Tuesday night on the doorstep of Busch Stadium, home to the St. Louis Cardinals. Tucked peacefully in a basket beneath a cozy quilt, the former MVP remained sound asleep until early Wednesday morning, when he was discovered by GM John Mozeliak. “Albert, is that you?” asked Mozeliak, dumbfounded. Startled, Pujols woke up and began crying hysterically, only calming down once Mozeliak playfully jangled his keys in front of the 33-year-old’s eyes. Pujols then handed Mozeliak a note that had been affixed to his bottom with a clothespin, printed on official Angels letterhead. “We’re so sorry to put you in this predicament, but we just simply can’t take care of little Albert anymore,” the note began. “It’s just too much [...]
LOS ANGELES – From coast to coast, millions of Americans spent their Memorial Day reflecting on the storied career of Albert Pujols, who for years was the most electrifying representative of the nation’s greatest pastime. Since being traded to the Angels, Pujols has become largely irrelevant, and most have acknowledged that his career is pretty much dead. Slow and injury-riddled, the 33-year-old has now been all but overshadowed by younger players like Miguel Cabrera and teammate Mike Trout. In a televised address on Monday, President Barack Obama took time to remember Pujols, applauding him for his service not only to Major League Baseball but also the country. “Albert was an incredible man with an incredible gift, and by making the ultimate sacrifice he will forever be remembered in this country as a hero,” Obama said. “And by ‘ultimate sacrifice’ I don’t just mean a really clutch sac fly. His career died so that others might follow his example of greatness.” At Arlington National Cemetery, in Virginia, thousands came out to [...]
Why, yes, I think he did.
ANAHEIM – The preternaturally gifted Mike Trout has been logging one of the greatest rookie seasons in baseball history, but not everyone in the Angels organization understands the extent of his value to the team. First baseman Albert Pujols has struggled all season to comprehend Trout’s staggering numbers, all because he’s operating under the belief that the 21-year-old phenom is a fish. “You’re telling me he’s supposed to be the next big thing in baseball? A fish?” snarled Pujols. “Everyone says he’s been showing me up, but I’m sorry, there’s no way some freshwater-dwelling chump is ever going to make a name for himself in this game.” Exasperated by his lack of understanding, Pujols’ teammates have gone to extensive lengths to try to communicate that Trout is a man, not a fish. “This here is a fish—a trout—that I purchased at the market,” explained outfielder Mark Trumbo to a perplexed Pujols. “If you take all its gills off and cook it on a grill, you can eat it as food.” [...]