In an incredibly sloppy poll conducted at tailgates and sports bars nationwide, approximately 63% of SEC school alums aged 22-28 were found to have been legally intoxicated since 9AM this morning.
An additional 23% of recent graduates were found to be “buzzed,” while 9% claimed to be the designated driver, limiting their beer consumption to an even dozen.
“Win or lose we STILL BOOZE!!! YEAH!!!!!” said Stuart Boone, 24, a financial analyst and University of Florida graduate who works 60 hours a week and recently bought a condo with his fiance. “GOOOOOO GATORS!!!!! WOOOOOO!”
Polls found that though as many as 89% of recent SEC alums do in fact live the majority of their lives as fully functioning adults, they almost uniformly morph into raging drunken idiots for 13 saturdays out of the year, awakening even earlier than they would for their regular jobs to consume mass quantities of alcohol.
Kevin Pickens, 26, a paralegal now living in Birmingham, responded to each question posed by researchers with “ROLL TIDE!” including his political views, ideal vacation, and probable name for his firstborn child.
Although the 63% of drunken recent alums may seem high, the figure was actually lower than a previous study conducted during a week in which six of the Southeastern Conference schools celebrated homecoming week. However, data showed that the only true outlier occurred when Auburn and Alabama played each other in the Iron Bowl, at which point the figure rose from 63% to 70%, and 32% of that 70% were categorized as legally dead due to live failure.
“When you think about it, these figures aren’t especially surprising,” said Kelly Johnson, 23, a nursing assistant who graduated from Ole Miss. “There’s literally nothing else to do down here. We don’t have professional sports, our idea of fine dining is the Chick-fil-A in the campus center, and the chair of our English department is Larry the Cable Guy.”
At press time, campus officials at Ohio State, Wisconsin, and Michigan reported a surge in binge drinking-related hospitalizations as recent alums attempted to prove the Big Ten could actually beat the SEC at something for once.