NEW YORK – Sports Illustrated Kids announced former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky as its annual Doo-Doo Head of the Year recipient on Tuesday.
The convicted serial child molester received the honor after the magazine’s editorial staff determined that his horrific crimes distinguished him as stinkier than all other notable doo-doo heads of the past year. Kids around the country were also allowed a chance to weigh in by submitting essays on the magazine’s website.
“I think Jerry Sandusky should be Doo-Doo Head of the Year because he is a scary grandpa and because I like Nebraska who is Penn State’s rival,” wrote Eric Matthews, age 8. “Also, my mom let me watch Dark Knight Rises because I am old enough now.”
Runner-ups for the award include Melky Cabrera, the Detroit Lions, Floyd Mayweather, and David Stern, but editor-in-chief John Huey insists that none of them came close to beating Sandusky.
“Really, it was no contest,” said Huey. “Considering that we’re a kids’ publication and that Sandusky perpetrated his crimes exclusively against kids, he probably deserves the title for years and years to come.”
In addition to being named Doo-Doo Head of the Year, Sandusky will be lampooned in a ten-page spread featuring doctored photos of the 68-year-old in humiliating scenarios. One involves a tribe of half-pirate, half-crocodiles prodding Sandusky towards the end of a plank while pelting him with Beyblades. Another involves Albert Pujols hitting Sandusky in the groin with a baseball bat while bright green slime pours onto his head.
Though Sandusky declined to give an acceptance speech, he did issue a statement responding to the award.
“Despite my imprisonment, I still declare myself to be innocent, and therefore I do not believe I am a doo-doo head. However, I have enjoyed looking at the pictures in Sports Illustrated Kids for many years now, so I admit this award leaves me feeling somewhat honored.”