KANSAS CITY, Mo – Former Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel, who was fired Monday after leading the team to a desolate 2-14 season, insists that he’s at peace with the dismissal. Yet that doesn’t mean that departing from his players won’t be difficult to bear.
“If my success is judged by how many wins I bring the team, then yeah, it’s understandable why they let me go,” explained Crennel. “It’s just tough. I’ve spent so much time growing with these boys, and I really mean it when I say that it’s been an incredible privilege to coach such a succulent, flavorful group of players.”
Crennel briefly addressed the media Wednesday morning when he visited the team stadium to clean out his office. The 65-year-old seemed anguished to be emptying out his drawers, which he’d filled with gallons of his favorite dipping sauces. He was seen holding back tears as he took the frames down from his walls, which contained receipts from memorable fast food runs throughout his professional coaching career.
“I’ll evaluate everything that went wrong later, but right now I just want to express my deepest gratitude to all the mouthwatering young men on this roster, for all the battles that Brady [Quinn] fought with that yummy little arm of his, for the big boys holding down the line with their savory rumps and their big ol’ thighs that’d be just heavenly fried up in corn starch and washed down with few liters of grape soda.”
He continued: “And to all my backs and receivers, hoo boy! Watching those scrumptious little legs of yours pumping up and down the field, I swear, sometimes I’d wish you’d sprint through a fountain of ranch dressing and straight down daddy’s gullet. Mercy, y’all look tasty!”
Over-stimulated and glistening with sweat, Crennel then paused to dab his face with a slice of bologna that he’d pulled from his breast pocket.
While it’s clear that other recently fired coaches such as Andy Reid and Lovie Smith will soon find homes with other teams, it is difficult to say where Crennel will end up next. However, reports indicate that he has submitted his resumé to Dippin’ Dots and Velveeta, and that he is also considering taking a year off to start a “hamburger farm.”