RGIII gruesomely reinjures knee in last-ditch effort to keep starting job

WASHINGTON – Faced with the possibility of sitting the remainder of the season on the sidelines, Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III intentionally reinjured his surgically repaired right knee Thursday in hopes that head coach Mike Shanahan would allow him to keep the starting job.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from playing for the Redskins, it’s that Coach is more inclined to trust me to carry this team if I’m playing with a heightened risk of career-ending injury,” said Griffin, just moments after horrifically mutilating his own ACL with a rusty pair of garden shears. “If this still doesn’t convince him to let me play, maybe I’ll go ahead and partially disembowel myself.”

In response to Griffin’s actions, Shanahan insisted that he still plans on starting backup Kirk Cousins, though he acknowledged that he could still change his mind if Griffin were to entertain him with a pathetic little jig, prancing to and fro in a humiliating fashion until the agony caused him to lose consciousness.

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Cooper Manning loses 39th consecutive Manning Bowl

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. – With one loss for each year of his hereditarily inferior life, Cooper Manning lost his 39th consecutive Manning Bowl Sunday, falling short of his younger brothers Peyton and Eli. The 39-year-old found himself unable to pose any substantial competition as his more athletically gifted brothers dueled back and forth on the field, leaving him relegated to the sidelines, where he engaged in a series of diversionary tactics that wholly failed to win the f[...] continue reading ›