EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – As ongoing contract disputes with Darrelle Revis continue to put a damper on the New York Jets offseason, head coach Rex Ryan is electing to remain optimistic about the upcoming year by focusing on the positives.
“We dramatically improved our receiving corps, our pass rush is looking better, and, to be honest, I’m just so dang excited to begin breastfeeding Tim Tebow, to nurture him into the kind of quarterback who can one day lead this franchise to a Super Bowl,” said Ryan, whose wardrobe must frequently be replaced as a result of breast-related stretching.
The 49-year-old head coach has been personally breastfeeding many of his promising young players since his tenure on the Cardinals’ coaching staff during the 1990s. The milk he produces provides the players with some of the nutritional enhancement necessary to bulk up their still-collegiate frames, and it also helps foster a bond of trust that doesn’t come easy among coaches and players.
“Just as with Sanchez, I expect that when Tim takes my biddie into his mouth he’ll feel a sense of comfort that can’t be developed on the sidelines,” said Ryan. “He’ll grow. He’ll grow from my love.”
The notoriously chaste Tebow reportedly had reservations about accepting fluids from another man into his mouth, but all indicators seem to suggest that he has since reversed his stance.
“I’ll do whatever I can to bring success to this team, and part of that is putting faith in the tactics and strategies of my coaching staff,” said Tebow. “Rex has been around the game for a long time, and I trust that he wouldn’t ask me to suckle from his breast unless he was certain it’d improve my game.”
Though both Tebow and Ryan are on the same page in regards to the breastfeeding, a team dietician, speaking on condition of anonymity, still holds some reservations.
“We can’t necessarily determine what the actual liquid is that Rex’s nipple is secreting, but it certainly isn’t milk,” he said. “A lab ran some tests on a sample a little while ago, and its chemical makeup most closely resembles that of regurgitated Little Caesar’s.”