Police find Aaron Hernandez murder weapon beneath Vince Wilfork’s left breast

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. – According to reports, Massachusetts police have recovered the weapon allegedly used by Aaron Hernandez in the June murder of Odin Lloyd. Sources say that the .45-caliber pistol was found buried beneath the left breast of Patriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork.

Earlier in the week, investigators scoured the bottom of a murky lake located near the murder site, failing to uncover anything useful. They were only alerted to the weapon’s actual location when another man arrested in connection with the case disclosed the information during interrogation.

“At this time we can positively confirm that the murder weapon has been found and will now be examined by a team of forensic specialists,” stated a spokesman from the Bristol County Police Department. “We owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to the brave men and women who risked their lives to recover the weapon, and we trust that their heroic efforts will help bring Aaron Hernandez to justice.”

Wilfork was pulled from drills during training camp Friday morning and escorted to an undisclosed police facility, where investigators spent the next several hours laboring to salvage the weapon. The five-time Pro Bowler denied having any knowledge as to the weapon’s whereabouts, requiring police to search underneath both breasts, using powerful hydraulic equipment to lift the colossal mounds of flesh.

After an initial search failed to turn up results, two detectives donned full scuba gear and took turns crawling beneath the breasts, guided by a rope secured to an iron beam. When one of the detectives finally discovered the gun, he set off a signal flare to alert those at the surface to reel him to safety.

The following items were also recovered from depths of Wilfork’s chest: several Cheetos, a whistle, various chicken bones, a hammock, a remote control, a ping pong paddle, a Furby, discarded scratch-off tickets, a squirrel skeleton, a vegetable crisper, a curling iron, a deflated football, a ticket stub from Shrek 2, a tire iron, and half of a Pop-Tart, which Wilfork proceeded to eat.

At this time, investigators do not believe Wilfork is complicit in the crime, as the informant claimed that the gun was hidden while the defender was in a deep sleep. However, Wilfork may now be charged with health code violations as a result of noxious breast-flap odors that rendered multiple investigators unconscious.

Add your own juke or spin

Have something to say?

Cowboys blame tough loss on hurricane

ATLANTA – The Cowboys’ 13-19 loss to the Falcons Sunday marked another frustrating development in their tepid 2012 campaign. The team, hoping to rebound from last week’s disappointing defeat at the hands of the Giants, was unable to mount a consistent offensive attack against the undefeated Falcons, though they acknowledge that larger forces played into their downfall. “We really wanted to come out and make a statement with a big win, but considering the devastating effect[...] continue reading ›

Tom Brady goes to Craigslist to find new receivers

Tom Brady's having a rough time adjusting to his new receiver situation. In Thursday's game against the Jets, he had one of the worst statistical performances of his career, going 19 for 39 and completing fewer than 50 percent of his passes for the first time in four years. Brady was visibly angered by his young receivers, who often struggled to make easy catches and run their routes. If this Craigslist post is any indication, it seems like Brady has had enough.