Tank Johnson decommissioned by U.S. military

Over two years after his release from the Cincinnati Bengals, the United States military announced today that they had officially decommissioned former defensive tackle Tank Johnson, saying the NFL deserved a leaner, more efficient model fit for today's gridiron battles. Following in the large tracks of the Tank Destroyer, The 2004 Tank Johnson (Model DT-95) was renowned for its large but mobile build and gaudy appearance. Though the military faced scrutiny after it was re[...] continue reading ›

“But how ‘free’ is free agency, really?” muses Robin Canó during six-hour meeting with Yankees executives

NEW YORK, NY -- Though the New York Yankees described their six-hour meeting with free agent second baseman Robinson Canó as “very productive,” unnamed sources reported today that Canó spent much of the meeting waxing philosophical on the concept of liberty and whether a free agent was truly free, to the great frustration of Yankees executives. “In one sense, free agency simply implies I’m able to rationally act within the constructs collectively agreed upon by a naturally[...] continue reading ›

NFL honors Veterans by refraining from comparing football to war for 24 hours

TAMPA, FL -- The NFL and NFLPA continued its long history of honoring veterans and active duty members of the military today by pledging to refrain from hyperbolically comparing football to war for 24 hours on Veterans Day, according to a press release. Along with wearing commemorative hats, gloves, and using camouflage Gatorade towels on the sideline, coaches and players will not refer to rallying the troops, doing battle, going to war, fighting it out in the trenches, or[...] continue reading ›

Study: 63% of SEC school alums aged 22-28 have been drunk since 9 AM

In an incredibly sloppy poll conducted at tailgates and sports bars nationwide, approximately 63% of SEC school alums aged 22-28 were found to have been legally intoxicated since 9AM this morning. An additional 23% of recent graduates were found to be "buzzed," while 9% claimed to be the designated driver, limiting their beer consumption to an even dozen. "Win or lose we STILL BOOZE!!! YEAH!!!!!" said Stuart Boone, 24, a financial analyst and University of Florida gradu[...] continue reading ›