Derrick Rose determined to return quickly from torn meniscus, find out what meniscus is

In his first public comments since the Chicago Bulls announced he would miss the entire 2013-14 season after undergoing surgery to repair a torn medial meniscus in his right knee, all-star point guard Derrick Rose vowed to work as hard as he could to return from his latest injury and to find out what exactly a meniscus is as soon as possible. “Obviously dealing with another setback this bad is very frustrating for me,” Rose said, as he flipped through a human anatomy textb[...] continue reading ›

NBC pulls confusing ads promoting next Sunday’s Manning II -- RG III III matchup

Following the successful promotion of last night’s Denver Broncos - New England Patriots matchup as Manning -- Brady XIV, NBC executives were quick to promote next week’s Sunday Night Football game between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins using the same roman numeral format, underscoring the Super Bowl-level importance of the game. However, only hours after debuting a new campaign centered around star quarterbacks Eli Manning and Robert Griffin III, NBC decided [...] continue reading ›

University of Colorado students encourage football team to accept invitation to Smokah Bowl

BOULDER, CO -- With only a few weeks left in the college football regular season, students at the University of Colorado held a press conference at 4:20 local time today announcing their hopes that UC Athletic Director Rick George would accept an invitation to the Smokah Bowl on behalf of the football team. Though not generally known as a high-stakes contest, the Smokah Bowl, sponsored by Taco Bell and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, has historically drawn high ratings despite airing[...] continue reading ›

Daniel Nava admits beard was artificially enhanced after testing positive for Rogaine

In a shocking revelation that calls into question the legitimacy of the 2013 Boston Red Sox World Series win, the Boston Globe reported today that outfielder Daniel Nava tested positive for the hair-growth supplement Minoxidil -- commonly known as Rogaine -- to artificially enhance his beard. At a hastily arranged press conference, Nava showed contrition for his actions, and asked for forgiveness from Red Sox Nation. “I’ve always done everything I can to help my team, b[...] continue reading ›

Whoops: Watch a golf legend's trick shot ricochet into his own groin

Chi-Chi Rodriguez has been smacking balls off of tees for over 70 years. But if this trick shot gone wrong is any indication, he may want to hang up the spikes for good if he values the health of his testes. The nut-crunching shot occurred during filming of the Golf Channel reality show The Big Break, in which Rodriguez attempted to break a pane of glass with his swing. Unfortunately, the glass fought back, and Rodriguez probably had to hit the clubhouse early for a ba[...] continue reading ›

Area man more likely to watch ESPN's Monday Night Countdown after learning it's Served by Applebee's

ASHEVILLE, NC -- While surfing channels waiting for tonight's Monday Night Football matchup between the Carolina Panthers and New England Patriots, local man Barry Sutton settled on ESPN's Monday Night Countdown, largely because the program is Served by Applebee's™. "Woah, the 'Bee's™ is servin' up some tasty football insight?" Sutton said, sitting up from his couch and knocking aside his Car Side to Go™ box, containing remnants of last night's 2 for $20 Meal Deal.™ "That'[...] continue reading ›