Entire state of Indiana takes day off to watch Hoosiers for 8 hours

by kevin 15 days ago in Articles

Following the Miami Heat’s crushing defeat of the Indiana Pacers in game 7 of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals last night, 99-76, Indiana Governor Mike Pence declared a state of emergency today and encouraged citizens statewide to remain in their homes while watching the 1986 film Hoosiers on repeat. “In light of yesterday’s traumatic defeat, I knew we needed to take swift and immediate action,” Pence said. “I believe every last person in our state, from South Bend to Terre[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Hundreds of children suffer seizures after prolonged exposure to Craig Sager’s suit

by kslane 16 days ago in Articles

Hundreds of children nationwide suffered brief but intense epileptic seizures after an extended halftime interview by TNT analyst Craig Sager during tonight’s game 7 Eastern Conference Finals matchup between the Miami Heat and Indiana Pacers. Sager, well known for his obnoxiously colorful suits, had just finished talking to Heat guard Ray Allen when calls began flooding emergency rooms nationwide, in what trauma officials are calling the worst epilepsy epidemic since hundred[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

MLB to move All-Star Weekend up a month due to fan boredom

by kslane 19 days ago in Articles

After an MLB.com poll revealed 78% of Americans felt that the 2013 season was taking “for-fucking-ever,” Commissioner Bud Selig elected to move the 2013 All-Star Game up a month, to June 16, to stave off fan boredom. “When my wife asked me if the playoffs had started yet, I knew we had a problem,” Selig said. “I told her most teams had only played 50 or so games, and she looked at me like I was crazy.” Nearly 80% of the poll respondents found it “completely insane” that[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

ESPN cuts hundreds of employees to facilitate 20-year, $485 million deal with Skip Bayless

by kevin 20 days ago in Articles

Many wondered why ESPN downsized hundreds of employees last week despite yearly profits in the billions. As it turns out, the company was ensuring they had sufficient cash reserves to sign First Take anchor Skip Bayless to an eye-popping 20-year, $485 million extension, ensuring he will remain with the Worldwide Leader in Sports through 2033. “At ESPN, we believe our employees are our most valuable asset,” said ESPN president John Skipper, as dozens of downsized employees [...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Popular new Astros promotion lets first 10,000 fans go home after first inning

by jubjub 21 days ago in Articles

HOUSTON – With a .288 win percentage, it’s not exactly easy for the Houston Astros to keep their fans happy. But thanks to a popular new promotion, the fans seem just as enthusiastic as they would be if the team were in first place. On all weekday home games throughout the 2013 season, the Astros are giving the first 10,000 fans red wristbands that allow them to leave the game without hassle immediately following the first inning. While ticketholders are technically all[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Redskins owner caves to critics, changes team name to Blanket-Weavin’ Super Squantos

by manutetroll 21 days ago in Articles

WASHINGTON – Under heavy pressure from advocacy groups, pundits, and even members of Congress, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder finally caved Wednesday and announced he was changing the team’s name to the Blanket-Weavin’ Super Savages. For years opponents have blasted Snyder for sticking with the racially insensitive Redskins name, arguing that it’s derogatory towards Native Americans. Snyder told reporters that while he still doesn’t agree with his critics, he ultimately didn[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Heat forfeit Game 4 to avoid spending any more time in Indiana

by jubjub 22 days ago in Articles

INDIANAPOLIS – Speaking briefly with reporters late Tuesday afternoon, Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra confirmed that the team had forfeited its Game 4 matchup against the Pacers. “Being in Indiana has been a total bummer for the guys, so we made a group decision just to finish this thing off at home,” Spoelstra explained. “It stings to absorb a loss like this, but we’re confident we can stick a fork in the series with our two remaining games in Miami.” Spoelstra confir[...] continue reading ›