Queen impresses crowd with flawless bicycle kick at Diamond Jubilee

LONDON - Queen Elizabeth II, the constitutional monarch of the United Kingdom and 15 other sovereign states, delighted her adoring subjects at the Diamond Jubilee celebration on Tuesday with a flawlessly executed bicycle kick. As a massive crowd of well-wishers accumulated outside Buckingham Palace to commemorate her 60 years on the throne, the Queen took to her balcony to express her gratitude. After offering a brief word of thanks, she signaled to a guard to toss up a so[...] continue reading ›

Lance Armstrong faces new doping charges after giving birth to bicep

Lance Armstrong’s seven Tour de France titles are in peril Wednesday after the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency presented new evidence indicating him in a doping scandal. Medical records from 2005 show that the cyclist was hospitalized for several days after giving birth to a healthy, fully formed bicep through his anus. The bicep was disposed of as medical waste, despite Armstrong’s objections that he wanted to raise it as his son. “Patient was weeping hysterically when the bic[...] continue reading ›

James, Wade keep things light during Finals by incessantly quoting Jar Jar Binks

MIAMI - One could expect the burden of the world’s expectations to take an oppressive toll on Miami Heat superstars LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, but the two have managed to keep things light during the Finals thanks to a shared love of the fictional Star Wars character Jar Jar Binks. Featured prominently in The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, the much-maligned Jar Jar Binks has been a thorn in the side of Star Wars loyalists for his embarrassing comic sensibiliti[...] continue reading ›

Rockies enlist guy who threw ceremonial first pitch to start game

DENVER - The woebegone Colorado Rockies, stricken with the worst pitching staff in baseball, attempted to improve on their collective ERA by recruiting the man who threw the ceremonial first pitch before yesterday’s game to start against the A’s. Darren Beaty, a corporate sales manager for Staples, won the opportunity to throw out the first pitch by entering a contest on the Rockies website. Beaty threw a fastball in the mid 60s that surprised manager Jim Tracy with its ac[...] continue reading ›

Rex Ryan: “I’m very excited to breastfeed Tebow this coming season”

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - As ongoing contract disputes with Darrelle Revis continue to put a damper on the New York Jets offseason, head coach Rex Ryan is electing to remain optimistic about the upcoming year by focusing on the positives. “We dramatically improved our receiving corps, our pass rush is looking better, and, to be honest, I’m just so dang excited to begin breastfeeding Tim Tebow, to nurture him into the kind of quarterback who can one day lead this franchise to a[...] continue reading ›

Philosophical Kendrick Perkins ponders whether a free throw can ever truly be free

OKLAHOMA CITY - While his teammates’ minds are likely heavily invested in the NBA Finals series against the Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder center Kendrick Perkins is reserving his mental energy for subjects of greater philosophical importance. The low-post big man has confessed to struggling lately with a question that strikes him each time he steps onto the court: Can a free throw ever truly be free? “Basketball is my life, so it’d be foolish for me to blindly accept ever[...] continue reading ›

Greg Oden sustains serious injury after getting penis caught in escalator

COLUMBUS, OH - Notably well-endowed free agent Greg Oden learned the hard way Wednesday that having giant junk can be both a blessing and a curse. In a Columbus, Ohio, mall, the seven-foot big man became the center of a horrifying scene after getting his penis caught in an escalator. Oden was kneeling down to tie his shoe as the escalator arrived at the landing platform when his penis, unwittingly hanging from his athletic shorts, got pulled into the steel comb beneath whi[...] continue reading ›

Colts fans still waiting on Peyton Manning to return from quick trip to buy cigarettes

INDIANAPOLIS - The Indianapolis Colts faithful have endured a dramatic, confusing offseason, punctuated by a massive overhaul of their team’s roster and an urgent sense of impatience spawning from the mysterious absence of quarterback Peyton Manning. Andrew Neel, Hartford County resident and treasurer of the unofficial Colts fan club, has been waiting on word from Manning since he last spoke at a cryptic press conference in March. “We was all waitin’ there for an autogr[...] continue reading ›

Yankees respond to Nick Swisher beaning by pegging him three more times in dugout

New York Yankees outfielder Nick Swisher, who in a recent MLB players’ poll was named the third most hated man in baseball, had no problem living up to his reputation on Monday. After being hit by a pitch from Atlanta Braves lefty Mike Minor in the second inning, Swisher returned to the dugout only to be pegged by three additional pitches thrown by his teammates. The pitches resulted in a bruised right ribcage, a minor concussion, and a raised welt on Swisher’s left shi[...] continue reading ›

Batboys angrily dishevel batting helmets during bench-clearing brawl

Tempers spiked and benches cleared during the first game of a double header Saturday between the Double-A Huntsville Stars and Mobile BayBears, and no one reacted quite as belligerently as the teams’ batboys. As the dugouts emptied following an intentional beaning of Mobile hitter Alfredo Marte, each team’s respective batboy seemed intent on expressing his rage over the incident. After yelling at each other from across the field and making some choice inflammatory gestures[...] continue reading ›

Embarrassed Cubs player keeps first date alive by saying he works in digital marketing

CHICAGO - Worried that his affiliation with the worst team in baseball might be a deal breaker, Chicago Cubs catcher Steve Clevenger lied on Saturday night in order to keep a promising first date alive. Witnesses at a nightclub on Chicago’s north side report that Clevenger told his companion that he had a successful career in digital marketing, despite the fact that he had lost to the Boston Red Sox earlier that day. “He said that he spoke at a lot of marketing conferen[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Jets admit to losing Greg McElroy in J.C. Penney four months ago

At a press conference Wednesday, New York Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum found himself in the uncomfortable position of having to account for third-string quarterback Greg McElroy’s whereabouts. After first denying McElroy’s existence, then insisting that he’d been traded, Tannenbaum made a startling confession to attending media members. “So the situation on McElroy is, well, we believe we lost him at J.C. Penney a few months back,” said Tannenbaum. “This type of thing has happened[...] continue reading ›