Tamagotchi kills itself after realizing owner is LeBron James

MIAMI, FL—A Tamagotchi owned by Miami Heat forward LeBron James ended its own life Tuesday after gaining sentience and learning the identity of its master. The handheld digital pet, purchased at a local RadioShack, was “born” several minutes after being activated by James. Upon recognizing that it would be doomed to live with the most detested athlete on the planet, the Tamagotchi immediately shorted out its own circuits, causing small wisps of smoke to emit from its egg-s[...] continue reading ›

Delonte West to James: “Your mom and I are very proud”

MIAMI - It’s been a long time coming for LeBron James. Nine years of ruthless scrutiny and unfulfilled expectations have been wrested off his shoulders, and the mighty forward out of Akron, Ohio, has finally reaped what has been so painstakingly sown. On Friday, in the pink hours of the early morning, James sat out by the pool at his Miami mansion with his mother Gloria, several of his closest friends, the Larry O’Brien trophy, and former teammate Delonte West. West too[...] continue reading ›

Kimbo “Slice” Harden proud of little brother James

Kimbo “Slice” Harden knows a thing or two about taking blows. Which is why the boxer and mixed martial artist, who is just as widely recognized for his wild beard as for his brutal street fights, has to hand it to his little brother James for fielding an elbow from Metta World Peace earlier this season with utmost composure. “If someone jacked me like that, you better believe he’d spend a week or two in the hospital,” said Kimbo. “But James has always been the quiet, patie[...] continue reading ›

Detroit supports decriminalization of small amounts of Lions players

DETROIT - Mayor Dave Bing of Detroit has thrown his support behind a controversial plan that would decriminalize small amounts of Detroit Lions players. If given the City Council’s blessing, Detroit cops would be allowed to forego arresting the Lions players they encounter in public and instead issue them a ticket with a fine ranging from $100 to $400. The plan was introduced after data emerged making it apparent that police were spending more time arresting and process[...] continue reading ›

Lions coach Schwartz: “This Blackmon kid’s got promise”

DETROIT - Following news that Jacksonville Jaguars rookie Justin Blackmon had been arrested early Sunday for aggravated DUI, Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz noted his admiration for the young receiver. “This Blackmon kid’s got promise,” Schwartz said. “He wasn’t at the combine so I didn’t get much of a chance to gauge his stuff, but he’s got that criminal instinct—that willingness to risk it all—that I truly respect in young players.” It’s been a bit of a PR night[...] continue reading ›

Nation’s rednecks torn between watching Euro 2012 or NASCAR

A tough decision awaits those below the Mason-Dixon Line, as Sunday’s Euro 2012 action is set to overlap with the Sprint Cup’s Quicken Loans 400. Hillbillies and bumpkins nationwide are loudly voicing their dissatisfaction over the scheduling conflict, demanding that UEFA and NASCAR organizers revisit their agendas so that no critical sporting action is missed. “It’s a daggum shame, if you ask me,” complained Jud Hendry, a trailer-dwelling moss collector who enjoys both[...] continue reading ›

Stephen Hawking disappoints in parkour debut

CAMBRIDGE, UK - Renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking took a pause from academia Tuesday to make an attempt at parkour, the sport made famous through the Internet for its breathtaking acrobatics and stylized traversing of urban terrain. Having worked out a series of complex formulas and gravitational singularities, Hawking believed that he could very capably put on an inspiring parkour demonstration for Cambridge students and faculty. On the contrary, Hawking fell[...] continue reading ›

Stanley Cup undergoes three cosmetic procedures after 48 hours in LA

LOS ANGELES—Lord Stanley must be rolling in his grave today following news that his eponymous Cup has undergone a dramatic makeover. After the Los Angeles Kings won the Stanley Cup for the first time in their franchise history, the trophy was swiftly modified to identify with Hollywood culture. Within 48 hours, the Cup was outfitted with collagen injections around its lip, silicone implants to resemble breasts, and a “waistline reduction” around its chalice to produce more[...] continue reading ›

Magic Johnson to buy Padres with reward points from Dodgers purchase

LOS ANGELES - In response to news that golfer Phil Mickelson was hoping to buy the San Diego Padres, Magic Johnson announced today that he would be buying the team with the credit card reward points he earned from buying the Los Angeles Dodgers back in March. Johnson says he’s been working on a deal with owner John Moore for several months now, and while he respects Mickelson’s interest in the team, he and Moore are nearly ready to sign a contract. “I bought the Dodgers[...] continue reading ›

Report: Everyone LeBron James has ever touched to die someday

MIAMI - If only to further cement LeBron James’ status as the most loathed athlete in America, a new study out of the University of Florida has concluded that everyone with whom the Miami Heat star has ever made physical contact will one day die, sometimes even in horrific fashion. A team of researchers, led by Dr. Franklin Murray, has been gathering data for months on those James has encountered, using a simulator to project their vital signs over the course of the next c[...] continue reading ›

David Ortiz invents own “Hunger Games” using pepperonis, Connect Four

BOSTON - Inspired by the Hunger Games young adult novel series by Suzanne Collins, Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz has invented a “hunger game” of his own involving pepperonis and a Connect Four game. “I saw my kids were really enjoying the books, and even though I didn’t actually read them, I was pretty sure I could come up with a better hunger game myself,” said Ortiz. “It just seemed like a logical thing to do. Oftentimes I am hungry, and I also like playing games. I[...] continue reading ›

Harden questionable for game 4 after getting beard stuck in zipper doing sit-up

Oklahoma City Thunder shooting guard James Harden may be unable to compete in Saturday’s game four matchup against the San Antonio Spurs after getting his beard stuck in his zipper while doing sit-ups. When undertaking some light conditioning Friday morning, the NBA’s reigning sixth man of the year found himself face-to-face with his own crotch, as his notoriously long beard became entangled with his zipper. Thunder medical personnel made an effort pull the beard free but [...] continue reading ›