Erik Spoelstra given technical for being too darn cute

MIAMI - Adorable chipmunk man Erik Spoelstra was assessed a technical foul in the second quarter of Tuesday’s showdown between the Heat and Thunder for looking too darn cute for his own good. As Spoelstra’s Heat went on an offensive drive with less than a minute remaining in the half, official Mike Callahan halted the clock to serve the young coach a stiff penalty for his infraction. Callahan explained his decision over halftime. “Listen, you have world caliber athletes[...] continue reading ›

Hotel guests to Michael Phelps: “Chill out. It’s a hot tub.”

Sixteen-time Olympic medalist Michael Phelps aggravated hotel guests with his incessantly competitive antics in a hot tub on Thursday. Staying at the Hilton Garden Inn in Lake Forest, Illinois, Phelps elected to unwind in the hot tub after a long day of conditioning. Though initially star-struck by the athlete, other hotel guests were quickly annoyed by Phelps’ need to prove his supremacy in the water. “He made it miserable for all of us,” said Carol Hartshorn, who was [...] continue reading ›

Kim Kardashian dumps Kanye for John Clayton

NEW YORK - Celebrity socialite Kim Kardashian is raising eyebrows around Hollywood following her decision to dump rapper Kanye West for ESPN analyst John Clayton. Her split with the hip-hop mogul was made public shortly after TMZ published photos of her and Clayton getting cozy at a New York City nightclub. “It is true that Kim and Kanye have parted on amicable terms, though there will be no comment made at this time regarding any other possible relationships,” said a spok[...] continue reading ›

Scouts from Applebee’s, Home Depot present at Community College World Series

OMAHA - Excitement’s in the air in Omaha, where, in an empty lot across the street from the College World Series, the Community College World Series is in full swing. Players from community colleges all across the country have gathered to show their stuff, and word quickly got out Thursday morning that scouts from Applebee’s and Home Depot were there taking notice. “We realize that most these kids, historically speaking, are underachievers, but they’re also looking to impr[...] continue reading ›

Scared Bryce Harper asks coach to check closet for Bartolo Colon

For all the bravado 19-year-old baseball sensation Bryce Harper displays on the diamond, the young outfielder still at times relents to his childlike tendencies. In a hotel Monday night, following a 12-4 loss to the Cardinals, Harper called manager Davey Johnson into his room and asked him to check his closet for suspended A’s pitcher Bartolo Colon. “I saw him in there,” Harper reportedly said. “He’s eating a towel. He said he’s gonna bite my toes.” Johnson, sensitive t[...] continue reading ›

Thousands of nation’s pedophiles announce retirement following Shawn Johnson’s exit from gymnastics

In response to Olympic gold medalist Shawn Johnson’s retirement from gymnastics Sunday afternoon, thousands of America’s most repulsive pedophiles also announced their retirement from pedophilia. “It is with tremendous sadness that so many of my basement-dwelling brethren and I must officially withdraw from pedophilia,” wrote Darren Cargill, spokesman for the United Pedophiles of America, in a press release. “Even though she was 20 years old, she maintained the spirit of a[...] continue reading ›

NBA sweat mopper optimistic he can nail a lesser Kardashian

An NBA sweat mopper’s primary responsibility is to clean up the sweat left on the court so that no players slip and become injured. One sweat mopper, however, has assumed a slightly more ambitious duty: having sexual intercourse with one of the Kardashians. Dylan Lawson, a sweat mopper for the Oklahoma City Thunder, is optimistic that by the conclusion of the NBA finals he can successfully woo and bed one of the “lesser” Kardashian sisters, assuming that by proxy he posses[...] continue reading ›

Drugged lunatic too grossed out to eat Anthony Davis’ face

Anthony Davis, the 2012 NCAA defensive player of the year, should consider himself fortunate for his unfortunate appearance. The 19-year-old almost found himself victim to a brutal attack from a deranged homeless man who, under the influence of a controversial bath salts drug, attempted to eat Davis’ face. Mercifully, Davis was considered too ugly to be appetizing. Police arrested 53-year-old George Bilter shortly after he assaulted Davis in an alley on Chicago’s south [...] continue reading ›

Fully Americanized David Beckham spotted riding Hoveround in Denny’s

LOS ANGELES - Galaxy midfielder David Beckham, who left his native England in 2007 to play soccer in the US, is showing signs that he has completely acclimated to his American surroundings. The 37-year-old was seen Wednesday afternoon driving a Hoveround motorized scooter in a Denny’s restaurant, where he was dining with his wife and children. Restaurant manager Dale Sorley confirmed the reports, noting that Beckham seemed no different than any of his other guests who stop[...] continue reading ›

Natalee Holloway discovered playing for WNBA team

CHICAGO - Over seven years after her disappearance in Aruba, leading to an international media sensation, Natalee Holloway was discovered on Wednesday playing basketball for the Chicago Sky of the WNBA. The now-25-year-old woman, who had legally been declared dead earlier this year, has allegedly been playing professional basketball undetected for the last several years. Yet due to the widespread lack of interest in the WNBA, investigators insist that there is no way they [...] continue reading ›