Melky Cabrera out for season with shrunken testicles, splotchy acne, inexplicable rage

  SAN FRANCISCO – The Giants announced on Wednesday that outfielder Melky Cabrera will sit out exactly 50 games in order to recover from several nagging ailments. The 2012 All-Star Game MVP, whose power hitting statistics have been growing at an unusually high pace in recent seasons, was immediately cut from Wednesday’s lineup after manager Bruce Bochy took an uncomfortable phone call from the Office of the Commissioner of Baseball that was most likely completely u[...] continue reading ›

Chad Johnson books recurring role on “COPS” reality show

MIAMI, FL - Chad Johnson, formerly Ochocino, has had an embarrassing and despicable month, having been arrested on domestic violence charges and consequently released by the Miami Dolphins. The controversial wide receiver’s August only got worse when VH1 announced that they were pulling the plug on a forthcoming reality show starring Johnson and his wife, Evelyn Lozada. But things might be looking up for the 34-year-old former all-star, as his agent has confirmed that t[...] continue reading ›

Magic Johnson to buy Padres with reward points from Dodgers purchase

In response to news that golfer Phil Mickelson was hoping to buy the San Diego Padres, Magic Johnson announced today that he would be buying the team with the credit card reward points he earned from buying the Los Angeles Dodgers back in March. Johnson says he’s been working on a deal with owner John Moore for several months now, and while he respects Mickelson’s interest in the team, he and Moore are nearly ready to sign a contract. “I bought the Dodgers with my Chase[...] continue reading ›

Chicago Cubs petition league to allow them bumpers on baselines

CHICAGO - In the midst of a nine-game losing streak, the last-place Chicago Cubs have officially petitioned the league to allow them to use bumpers on the first and third baselines during at-bats. Similar to those used in bowling alleys, the bumpers would help the Northsiders keep more balls in fair play, potentially elevating their chances of securing more baserunners. “With our winning percentage in danger of dipping below .300, it is only fair that the league allow our [...] continue reading ›

Sandusky requests to be sent to juvenile hall regardless of sentence

As jurors weighed the closing arguments from both sides in the case against Jerry Sandusky Thursday morning, attorneys for the former Penn State assistant football coach issued a final plea on his behalf. “My client would like to request, regardless of the judge and jury’s decision, that he be sent to a juvenile detention center, either to serve his sentence or to simply be around some nice young people,” stated Joe Amendola, Sandusky’s lawyer.  “Specifically, he would lik[...] continue reading ›

Researchers developing electric “flash light” to replace Olympic torch

The tradition of the Olympic torch has captivated the global imagination since its inaugural year in 1928, but as society and technology have dramatically evolved over time, the flame-bearing torch has remained stuck in history. Researchers at the University of Cambridge are looking to change this and have begun developing a new torch that would be powered by electricity—not fire. “There are skeptics out there who insist it is impossible to produce such a device, but we ar[...] continue reading ›