MLB to move All-Star Weekend up a month due to fan boredom

After an MLB.com poll revealed 78% of Americans felt that the 2013 season was taking “for-fucking-ever,” Commissioner Bud Selig elected to move the 2013 All-Star Game up a month, to June 16, to stave off fan boredom.

“When my wife asked me if the playoffs had started yet, I knew we had a problem,” Selig said. “I told her most teams had only played 50 or so games, and she looked at me like I was crazy.”

Nearly 80% of the poll respondents found it “completely insane” that there were more than 100 games left in the season, and 21% favored instituting a temporary lockout until the playoffs started.

Selig also said that June 16, which is also Father’s Day, was a logical choice for the game, as overworked dads nationwide would relish the excuse to escape their family for 3 hours.

“As a father, I sympathize with all the dads out there who can’t relate to their families without the low hum of the television in the background,” Selig said. “Now you can talk about Miguel Cabrera’s towering homers instead of delicately explaining your pending divorce to your daughters.”

According to a follow-up poll, 63% of respondents approved of the move, while 79% said they were just going to watch offseason football coverage until the playoffs anyways.

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