Michael Carter-Williams wondering why Sixers GM keeps trying to squash him with anvil

Michael Carter-Williams worried he would lose minutes to more experienced veterans as a rookie for the Philadelphia 76ers. But after a stellar early-season performance netted him NBA Player of the Week honors and victories over the Heat and Bulls and , he’s no longer looking over his shoulder.

Except for when he’s avoiding the giant anvil someone keeps trying to drop on him.

Over the course of the last week, Carter-Williams has narrowly avoided being crushed by a giant falling anvil at the Sixers practice facility three times. While no one has been officially blamed for the near-accidents, many suspect Sixers GM Sam Hinkie, who has allegedly been going to great lengths to ensure Carter-Williams’ stellar play does not derail the team’s plan of tanking the regular season in order to secure a top-3 pick in the loaded 2014 draft.

Carter-Williams, to his credit, strongly defended his GM.

“The reports out there about Sam trying to hurt me are a bunch of bull,” Carter-Williams said. “Sam has been like a father to me. Since I’ve been here, he’s given me coupons for free skydiving lessons, lent me his old motorcycle, and introduced me to Allen Iverson’s entourage.”

“My only complaint about Sam is he’s a messy eater,” Carter-Williams added. “He keeps dropping banana peels whenever we talk. What a slob!”

Hinkie strongly denied responsibility for the mysterious anvil drops, saying the health of every 76ers player was his first priority.

“What happened at those practices was a complete accident,” Hinkie said. “Michael’s had a stretch of bad luck, what with the anvils, the live chainsaw in his locker room, me accidentally hitting him with my car on nine separate occasions — wait, did you guys know about that? Forget I said that.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some film to break down,” Hinkie added, as he returned to watching a VHS copy of Home Alone while taking detailed notes on what appeared to be a blueprint of Carter-Williams’ apartment.

At press time, Hinkie had not responded to reports that he had been in contact with the Cleveland Cavaliers inquiring about the possibility of trading Carter-Williams straight up for Andrew Bynum.

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