BRISTOL, CT – Scientists at the University of Connecticut have warned ESPN executives that the hair of football analyst Mel Kiper, Jr., is growing alarmingly strong and will soon pose a grave threat to the safety of other personalities at the network.
The scientists issued the warning shortly after Thursday’s 9 AM edition of SportsCenter, when Kiper’s voluminous mane suddenly purged several gallons of warm placenta all over his face and desk, forcing producers to cut to commercial.
“We’ve been monitoring Mel’s hair closely for years, and until now its behavior has been relatively innocuous,” said Dr. Adam Hoagland, widely regarded as the world’s leading authority on the physiology of Kiper’s hair. “But like a long-dormant volcano, it’s been rumbling disturbingly as of late, and we fear that it’s only a matter of time before it roars to life and unleashes catastrophic woe.”
Before Thursday’s placenta incident, the hair had been exhibiting unusual conduct with increased frequency, though no one detected any symptoms of impending danger.
“I noticed that it seemed to be winking at me and that it was making these crude belching noises, but, I mean, I never thought it would try to harm anything,” explained SportsCenter anchor Kevin Negandhi. “I’ll admit, though, that situation with Lindsay made me a little uncomfortable.”
Negandhi was referring to a scare last week, when Kiper’s hair grabbed hold of anchor Lindsay Czarniak’s hand and attempted to ingest it. Czarniak shrugged off the incident, insisting that the hair wasn’t strong enough to do any real harm, but those who spend the most time around the hair agree that there is cause for concern.
Sunday NFL Countdown host Chris Mortensen claims that he’s witnessed a startling array of troubling behavior from the hair.
“I kid you not, the hair has a rabbit concubine. Mel will be sitting in his office, and the hair will make this horrible whistling sound, and all of a sudden you’ll see a rabbit darting down the hall and into the office, and it’ll just be humping Mel’s head for like 20 minutes without interruption.”
Mortensen continued: “And did you know about the bones? The hair will cough out tiny little rodent bones from time to time, so you know it’s feasting somehow. I remember a few years back we were astonished when we saw it had killed a fly, and now here we are, worried that the hair’s gonna take over the network in a bloody coup.”
Heeding the scientists’ warnings, ESPN has announced that they’ll be temporarily placing Kiper under quarantine in a secluded wing of the network’s massive Bristol headquarters.
If isolation does not succeed in taming the hair, the network is considering more radical options, including military intervention or an appointment with an electric razor.