MIAMI – As the baseball world finds its bearings following news of the blockbuster trade between the Marlins and Blue Jays that will send Jose Reyes, Josh Johnson, Mark Buehrle, and others north to Toronto, fans in Miami skeptically await the next step in Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria’s massive overhaul.
To their inevitable chagrin, the team announced Wednesday that the $158 million in cleared salary space will go towards financing a colossal golden sculpture of a middle finger which will be displayed at the entrance of Marlins Park.
Cast in pure, unalloyed gold from base to top, the sculpture is projected to be five meters tall and weigh just short of seven tons. At $1,400 per troy ounce, the sculpture’s materials alone are expected to cost upwards of $300 million.
“I can only assume the commoners—sorry, the fans—will take this as some sort of insult, but truthfully, it’s merely meant to finalize the artistic vision of this wonderful stadium that their taxes paid for,” explained Loria from his stately Jacuzzi as two muscular young men in ornate Marlins body paint washed his belly. “Just imagine the brilliant sunsets shimmering off the blue water and washing the sculpture’s golden surface with a resplendent Floridian rainbow of color, the defiant middle finger saying ‘f*** you’ to the chintzy, unrefined décor of the surrounding community.”
Like Loria’s controversial home run sculpture in right field, this newest fixture will be fuel to the fire for critics who believe the owner is oblivious of his true responsibilities to the team. The money for the sculpture, which just a year ago was designated towards building a competitive ball club, is now being squandered to ensure that the Marlins have one of the most lackluster rosters in the majors.
“Players? Who cares about the players?” laughed Loria as he dried himself with a peacock. “Cubans wash up on shore here every day. I’ll just sit out at the beach one morning with a stack of $20 bills and sign the first few virile youngsters I see. I’m sure they’ll all be superstars.”
Loria then stepped out onto his balcony and began urinating to the streets below, soaking two elderly men in Marlins hats.