Following an embarrassing 116-103 season-opening loss to the crosstown Los Angeles Lakers, the acting government of Lob City filed for Chapter 9 municipal bankruptcy, citing an unsustainable demand for oops and slams that has left the city overextended and deeply in debt.
The bankruptcy came as a shock to some, as Lob City’s product — though sometimes volatile — seemed to stabilize after a disappointing 4th quarter performance last year. But with hundreds of millions invested in long-term assets, Lob City was forced to borrow against interest in their YouTube compilations — generally considered a dangerous move by financial analysts, especially with Lob City balance sheets showed significant major losses.
“Lob City’s revenue base is unique among NBA cities, as its revenue is directly tied to the performance of the Lakers,” said NBA analyst Zach Lowe. “With Lob City taking such a beating at the hands of their crosstown rivals, residents of Lob City will soon be moving back to Los Angeles.”
“Fewer residents means a smaller tax base, just like any major city,” Lowe continued. “No matter how many lobs and jams you throw at the problem.”
After word spread that Lob City Mayor Donald Sterling had shuttled off to another exotic vacation, Deputy Director Doc Rivers was left to reassure reporters that the future of Lob City remained bright.
“Look, I won’t pretend last night’s setback wasn’t disappointing,” Rivers said. “But Lob City is a resilient, innovative city that will rise once more. We’ll build a new identity, one post-up and set play at a time. It might not be as exciting, but I’d take the consistency of a city like San Antonio over the boom-and-bust mentality we’ve been facing the last few years.”
At press time, Lob City Councilmen Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan had not responded to requests for comment, but sources say the duo spent the last 24 hours watching their own posterizations on repeat while holding hands.