Lance Armstrong faces new doping charges after giving birth to bicep

Lance Armstrong’s seven Tour de France titles are in peril Wednesday after the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency presented new evidence indicating him in a doping scandal.

Medical records from 2005 show that the cyclist was hospitalized for several days after giving birth to a healthy, fully formed bicep through his anus. The bicep was disposed of as medical waste, despite Armstrong’s objections that he wanted to raise it as his son.

“Patient was weeping hysterically when the bicep was taken from him, screaming at doctors that he’d built a nursery in which he would nurture the tissue,” the official medical report read. “In a demonstration of rage, patient then threw a miniature bicycle he’d had made for the bicep across the delivery room.”

According to doctors specializing in prenatal development, such a birth is wholly unnatural and could only be possible through a massive intake of performance-enhancing drugs. Biopsy results from the bicep overwhelmingly support this possibility.

“Using blood and tissue samples from the bicep baby, we isolated staggering quantities of various growth hormones, cortisone, EPO, and testosterone,” said Dr. Kendra Bailey, who performed the procedure. “It was an utter monstrosity.”

Representatives of Armstrong are fervently denying the accusations, arguing that the cyclist was hospitalized for an appendectomy.

“We are currently compiling evidence to dispel any claims that Mr. Armstrong is guilty of wrongdoing,” read an official statement. “The ‘bicep baby’ in question was merely a massive shit loaf, one which had accumulated for several days following the removal of Mr. Armstrong’s appendix.”

Even if Armstrong succeeds in proving his innocence in regards to the bicep, the surfaced medical reports still paint a damning portrait. A nurse’s notes on his medical file describe Armstrong intermittently sneezing out hypodermic needles. Further, hospital security records indicate that Armstrong was visited every day by a Mexican courier bearing a cooler that read NOT STEROIDS.

Armstrong is expected to present a thorough defense by the end of the week.

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